Day 424 of sobriety.
Today I bought plants.
Why? Because people don’t tell you on day 424… when life is crumbling around you, kids are dying, you’re bombarded with bad news every hour on the hour… your immediate response is compulsion.
To numb, to forget, to separate, to isolate. And because you don’t have alcohol, or you don’t have anymore eyelashes to pull and people caught on to when you didn’t eat… you find another thing.
Plants.
And you play your music really really loud.
And you go to the prayer room.
And you cry.
They also don’t tell you that people are sad when you don’t drink with them. Even if they don’t say it.
I never really had an issue with alcohol. However, I do have an issue with numbing.
I have an issue with reaching for anything that will separate me from pain and sadness.
Because like someone has said before, I am the personality hire.
I am joy.
And feeling anything but happiness is a scary thing. For anyone. But for someone who isn’t programmed to be anything else… I’ve been malfunctioning to put it nicely.
I’ve been in therapy before for watching an unhoused person die in the street, or for the fact I have multiple levels of OCD and depression… but my self infliction of discipline has remained unmoved.
I’m not sure why that’s my go to coping mechanism… but here I am. With plants I know will die soon. Because just like I drown out my sins, I too over water my plants.
I don’t have a solution folks.
I’m just being honest.
When will you?
