Not Strong Enough For It: Part 2

"R.I.P. Zae" 

It was everywhere. Instagram. Twitter. My inbox. I couldn't escape it. 

I leaped to check the news app on my phone, which was dumb of me cause the shooting happened in Lonsdale and "the cops don't come here" statement flooded my mind almost as loud as I heard it the last time last year. Hours would go by before the WATE or WBIR news stations would provide a measly, "Fatal shooting in Lonsdale" or "Man shot and killed, more to come" Man.  Kid was 15. 

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

I cringed thinking about our many conversations of, "What happens when it's one of ours on the news... in the street... the new hashtag..." and how it became reality in a matter of moments.  
I cried, no, I sobbed when I started to think about our Falcon boys. A team I learned to support and love this past semester, but more importantly, a dozen of them call me Chlo, and make fun of how I ALWAYS think I got next during their pick up games on Wednesday nights. 

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

What is my role in this? 
What do you tell kids who just lost their brother/teammate/best friend to gang violence? 
What do you do as a lover of Christ, seeker of social justice, a supporter of the #BlackLivesMatter movement, and someone against violence? 
And dare I join the young voices crying out WHY to a creator I know better than to question...?
I fell asleep in a pool of tears.
I woke up to a short press conference with an emotional police chief, and desperate mayor challenging our Knoxville community to end this thoughtless violence. 

That's when I found out what Zaevion Dobson, a 15 year old sophomore football player at Fulton High School, member of the 100 Black Men chapter here in Knoxville, brother, and son, did last night as he died. 

"Jumped on top of 3 girls to shield them from the bullets." -KPD 

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

And now I know why the first report of the shooting addressed Zae as a man. 

I don't know of many men who will selflessly jump to save a group of people from harm, or death, not once questioning his own life, let alone a 15 year old boy with a future. 

Brave. Hero. A success story. 

These are all things Zaevion will be called the next couple of days. And then most of the further removed public will turn their heads back to their Christmas festivities, and see this day as another one on the calendar. 

Another black boy dead cause of gangs.

But I will still see his friends everyday. His family in maroon. The ones that used to sit with him in class. And play with him on that field. 

And I am faced with the feeling of not knowing how, or what, to say.

I'm faced with prayers lifted up, texts sent, hugs given, tears wiped, and candle lit vigils for a boy that won't be forgotten in this community. 

A community that knows all to well what this loss feels, looks, an tastes like. 

Many will want revenge. Answers. They will feel a sense of urgency to do something, to take action, and to make a difference.  

So we mourn today. But tomorrow we have work to do.

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

But sometimes, even when I don't think I can, I have to be... I am.