I regret to inform you this is my last post here in this space.
The Drums In My Heart has been a landing spot for a bright eyed girl full of joy and a corner to pile up all my rage filled emotions for the last decade. And like I wrote before, that girl is no longer here.
I've been living a very different life since then. One full of independence, self discovery, and reaching deep inside to places I didn't know were possible for me to go.
Over the last year I found my stability, a caring man, and a spark for life again. I was cooking dinner, going to farmers markets, showing up for friends, making strides in therapy. People said I looked healthy and happy! Something I didn't believe could happen for me again after presumably a very dark season.
But in that same year I also tragically lost that man, quit my job... again, cut all my hair, sold my house and made a shit plan to no longer suffer here on this earth. I don't really know how else to put it. I fell so hard from the mountain top it took a massive amount of faith and an army of people to scoop me up from the grave I dug for myself. I have many to thank for keeping me alive. And I have a long way to go before any sort of healing can take place. I've lost so much. It really is shocking to look over my shoulder at the ash and craters behind me. But I am just crazy enough to think I could rebuild.
I went back and forth for a long time on what to say, when to say it, how to say it... or if I just continue to flail around without any direction without saying anything at all. That said...
I have started to find my voice again on my substack you can go check out for things like my city to city road trip adventures. How surviving suicidal thoughts can turn into really intentional healing moments. What it's like to have a dead boyfriend. Eating good food with people I love. Feeling absolutely free and devastatingly scared simultaneously. And of course lots of hip hop and pop culture updates. Come follow me as I make a very blank canvas beautiful!
It's been freaking awesome blogpsot. Deuces.
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