Everyone Keeps Asking Me How I Feel...

Everyone keeps asking me how I feel...

The words haven't had enough time to process.
The dust has hardly settled.
I am still trying to make it through the last week of Emerald, while also packing for my trip to San Diego & to move back to Lexington.
There isn't a whole lot of room to think about how I feel... and honestly I don't want to.

If you don't know this about me already, I am actually the most emotional human to walk the earth.
Crying at the drop of a hat isn't out of the ordinary for me,
but when change, transition, goodbyes, moving, growing up, new seasons begin, old seasons end, start to add up, I will quickly tap into my overflowing amount of emotions and silence them for another day.
Pushing through everyday on the calendar in order to reach a point I can turn them back on, let it flow, and then allow myself to function like a normal human again.
Cause when I tell you I would not be able to do anything else if I actually acknowledged everything happening around me... believe me.

I've been blessed with family all over the place. I could hop on a plane going in any direction, and more than likely land somewhere, a least close, to where I have "family." I spent all weekend with family from California, Florida, Tennessee, Ohio, Kentucky, etc. My heart was exploding watching all the siblings interact, the mentors, the friends. I didn't deserve all of them showing up and cheering me on all these years, but they do, and I am so grateful.

The next few days are my last at Emerald Youth Foundation.
My exit interview is happening today.
I won't be holding back tears then.

We had our end of the year party with the high schoolers last night and there wasn't a dull moment... until the building got really quiet and I had no idea where the kids went (I'm a great AC y'all) I looked all over and didn't see them in the yard, then I realized they had gotten on the van. A side note about the EA fam is that we love van rides together. Doesn't matter where we are going, those are some of our favorite times together. Without me telling them we were leaving, they just all decided to be on the van. Laughing, roasting, just being together. It was honestly one of the most simple, but touching things to me because it just shows how much they love being around each other. It took me almost 2 hours to take 12 kids home because I had to give hugs to everyone. Momma's, brothers, sisters, goddaughters, cousins, my kids... this was one of the times I was thankful for keeping the emotions at bay... or I would have never gotten them all home.

Do good things...
See you later's...
I'm real proud of you...

Nothing I could have said seemed good enough at a time like this.

But the "I love you's" coming from each of them, had all the power in the world.

Everyone keeps asking me how I feel...

When the squad shows up to your grad party

College Street family photo

I feel like I'm losing part of my heart, and gaining a part I lost a long time ago.

I feel like I just learned my spot in Neverland was given to someone else.

I feel like I finally reached the top of the mountain I've been climbing for over half my life and the view is everything I could have dreamed of and more... 

but now I have to find the next mountain.

I feel excited and terrified all at the same time.

I feel like Gods favorite.

Good 'Ole Rocky Top

"I am starting to feel this place reaching out for me, and pulling me in close. Never wanting to let me go until it knows I've been here long enough. And for once... I'm not fighting back." 

Those were the words I wrote 4 years ago about my sweet Knoxville.

I was finally able to accept the transitions.

Making friends with new kids on the basketball court and in college.

I feel like I was just the wild freshman girl who ran up  and down the halls of her dorm at all hours of the night dancing to Beyonce with her RA's.

Now I am about to walk across a stage with 2 degrees in just a few days.

I have a lot to say about my time here...

The life long friendships I made, the mistakes I made, the family I gained, the lessons I learned in and out of the classroom. But the words need time to sit awhile longer...

It's kind of wild how I felt like this city was reaching for me back then... like it new I was a runner, afraid of falling in love with another place I would eventually have to leave. 

But my goodness am I happy it did and that I stopped fighting back! 

And now, ironically, I am the one that doesn't want to let go completely,

and this city knows it's time.

My heart is breaking more and more at the thought of how in a few weeks I'll pack up my little yellow car and return to the Bluegrass... continuing my story, ending a chapter.

But now I can proudly say, 

Rocky Top, you'll always be, home sweet home to me.

We Back

There was once a time when we were so conjoined at the hip, that we were separated by force so he would listen to other leaders and I could set healthy boundaries. A lesson I have continued to learn with these young men who usually tower over me, forgetting their size doesn't change their age. For most, I am their sister. I am the one they tell about cute girls and the fights they get into. The one that for whatever reason, keeps choosing them. 

I remember when he asked me how long college was.

We were picking out his first day of school outfit and I was 2 years into undergrad.

"Half way there T... we can do it."

"Yeah... we can. What about this shirt?"

I swore there would never be another group of kids I could do the most normal day to day things with, and it feel like the greatest joy.

                                          

We were sitting around the table eating more food than we should have consumed.

Laughing so hard I thought for sure we would get kicked out of Golden Corral.

I looked at the family we've become. The inside jokes. 

The really hard days feeling far enough off that it only felt like good days existed. 

I was about to get in the car and head for Lexington one last time as an undergrad when it hit us.

I'll spare you the tears we had for a few seconds, but just know this, I was wrong 4 years ago. 

These kids proved me wrong in the most beautiful way. 

And I know for a fact the babies I left all those years ago would thank you for loving me so well.

I saw him from across the crowd.

Taller than everyone around him.

Still earning the nickname given to him in elementary school.

He has matured 10 times over and requested I be his teacher the next 3 years of high school.

     "Something like that" was my response. 

     Cause "we back."

I heard him call my name from across the crowd.

Immediately I saw her. 

One of the only girls on this earth that reminds me of my younger self so much it's scary. 

I still expect her to play ball somewhere like UK or UConn before she makes her way to the WNBA.

Still as stubborn and "anti feelings" as I remember her as a little girl, she responded to the news with 

     "Yeah okay... it's about time." 

     We shoved each other in the arm cause, "we back."

Pushing through the crowd was both fire and ice, anger and laughter, his arms wide open for a hug.

Heads taller than the last time I saw him, he said "my brothers are here too!" He already knew what I was going to ask... and so we went outside to see two other familiar faces. 

I wish you could feel what I felt in those next few moments. 

It was as if this specific level of joy I had once known, but had become dormant, was unlocked.

Not that I haven't felt joy... but this was different... this felt like coming home.

They came in close for my secret, and the one who knows my heart better than I know it myself asked with skepticism, 

     "Forever?"

     "Forever, ever." 

    

I Love That They Know

I've learned a lot about peoples love languages in the last few years...


They stood all around me.
Sweat dripping.
Before we had just given our head nods or high-fives in passing
while they ran down the court.
Now there were falling down around my feet and laying heads on my shoulder.
I didn't call them over here.
But that was game and they were catching their breath before they picked the next round of teams.
And brought soggy t-shirt hugs with them.
I love that they know.


Hard core - tears streaming down my face - belly hurting - laughed in the van this week.
If only people could hear what I hear cruising down Broadway or College St.
I tell people all the time there is something special about the times together.
The 'boy I'm on you's" and "Chloe, I have to talk to you's"
or the days we just have to play Chance.
Thankful I was trained to keep them safe, from the jump, but my goodness, do we have fun too.
I love that they know.


I sat and listened to kids defend their faith, and ask hard questions about this world.
Only jumping in when needed.
Being asked about racism, the gay community, Gods plan, suicide, all things I didn't expect to come across my radar that day, we tackled them together.
I am learning right along with them.
I love that they know.

-----

Simple things.
It's wild but,
I love that they know.

Filling.
Pouring.
Filling more and more.
Pouring always.

The sweaty hugs, the belly laughs, the hard conversations.
Like magic - they know.

This Ones for the Kids

This ones for the kids...

I couldn't have done this without you. 

There is no way I would be crossing that stage in just a few shorts weeks without your endless 

laughter, hugs, smiles, high-fives, long talks, prayers, reality checks, 

basketball, football, volleyball, track, wrestling, swim,

small group honesty, van rides blasting music,

getting snowed in on the mountain,

elementary and middle school camp,

movie days, zoo days, park days, sonic days,

college applications and bringing a baby into this world,

a summer full of Popsicle's and the next summer spent over FaceTime,

arguing over poor choices even though you knew what was right,

bad attitudes, sass, tears, and 

lots of empty threats about fighting me when I asked you to do your homework,

*thankfully I only remember 2 times that actually sort of happened, and we can laugh about it now*

art projects, hard questions about Jesus, and earning nicknames that won't ever go away.

I remember being nervous you wouldn't accept me.

I knew kids like you before... I was prepared for it to take a long time to earn your trust,

let alone ever finding a place in this family.

4 years later, I'm realizing how silly that fear was.

4 years.

Did you know its been that long?

Some days I believe it, I feel old trying to keep up with you all, like I've been here my whole life.

Other days I feel like I just moved to town, just started this journey, and I have nothing but time left.

I came here for college, but in the process, I ended up gaining a whole family.

A family that has supported me more than I could have ever imagined.

Granny's, Mamma's, Daddy's, Cousins, Brothers, Sisters, Goddaughters.

I have a whole lot of love to give, but the love I've received from y'all the last 4 years has overwhelmed me and I don't deserve it.

This week I pulled a lot of you aside to tell you I was moving, 

that I wouldn't be in the same city anymore.

How a 6th grade girls dream is becoming reality, thanks to your help.

 How our family bond is stronger than state lines,

and how I can still drive 2.5 hours to put you in check if need be,

or just to visit.

The crazy thing is how you all expect it from us now.

This system, this world, wasn't really built for people to stay in one spot forever.

Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally.

You can see right through me.

You know what I know, almost before I know it.

Our souls have connected on a deeper level than most,

and you feel the same breaking I feel as I am typing this.

This may seem lofty, or sappy, and

of course some of you little ones won't quite follow this long letter, 

but you know your Ms. Chloe well.

You know how when she goes on a rant, there is a point somewhere,

that when she laughs at your jokes, it's always genuine,

and she's still really sorry for cutting her hair so short you couldn't braid it anymore.

For my grown ones.

Man, its been wild!

When I think of my happiest moments in life,  the most difficult moments,

y'all are at the front of my mind.

Please don't ever stop being you.

Never waste your time over a boy.

Hitting your Free Throws will always be important.

Love the people, and look like Jesus.

Dang it...

*insert too many tears to type anymore*

I am so proud of each of you.

I love you, forever and always.

- Ms. Chloe, a.k.a. Chlo, Chloe Paige, 

Sunshine, Sis, Big Squirrel

Saturday Truths

The amount of coffee I can consume in a day no longer surprises me. What does surprise me however, is that I can never seem to drive with it in my car and not spill it.

I call my best friend who lives miles and miles (and miles) away, just to think out loud. And because he is one of the only people who is honest with me about everything.

I'm still shook over Kendrick's new joint The Heart Part 4

I looked at how many days I have left for college, till my visit to San Diego, and till I move out. My heart was met with a joy and sadness only a child could know after they learn they will become an adult some day.

This is the last March Madness I spend not celebrating on State Street.

The last research paper I will write in college is about the churches response to the #BlackLivesMatter movement. Deep breath, We gonna be alright.

The Sun is the greatest healing agent... second to the Son, but you know.

These are just some Saturday Truths.

Jefferson Ave

A few years ago I met these people that talked about Christian community development & the body of Christ as if they had seen in to my own soul & were just quoting things I had dreamed of myself.
We joked about me living with them & pretending to be their long lost child, or something of that nature. Never really verifying if that was to happen or not.

Fast forward...

7 months ago I moved in with them & claimed the role of "baby Chlo" once again. I've learned a lot about myself & about building intentional community off campus, specifically on the east side, thanks to this family. Some days I really feel like the worst house mate there ever was, where I am met with grace & understanding & a few laughs. Other days I'm blessed with the opportunity to teach them about social networking & the most recent slang (also followed by a few laughs!)

In less than 2 months, the great big adventure of moving to Jefferson Ave, will come to a close. I can't even type that without getting emotional. The kids toys, the compost, the pizza nights, the early mornings, the late night talks, the come to Jesus meetings, the porch days,  the love & encouragement & many memories made. This year has shaped me in a beautiful way, a way I think will impact how I see my neighbors & community for years to come.

The coffee is strong, the hugs are often & I'll always be their "Baby Chlo."