Accepting Your 'You'

I can't believe I'm even talking about this.

Progress.

As I peel off the dead skin from one of my many odd tan lines, wondering how embarrassing it would be to wear that new skirt I just got. "I knew I shouldn't have worn those shorts over my bathing suit." I thought. A one piece. Already covering most of my body, I still felt the need to wear shorts. And now I am reaping the consequences, unable to correct the damage thanks to rain and mosquitos. "Next summer" I whispered.

Parts of me are whiter than the vanilla ice cream I forgot to put in the freezer, others are gold and freckled. Tank top tan lines and you can tell I wore sunglasses most days. My feet, when cleaned, show that I left my tennis shoes in a car that went back to Knoxville. Flip flop tan lines are my favorite.

Bruised, scabbed, and a little crooked... my knees are healing quite nicely from the summers beatings. I thought I would be tough and go against a brother triple my size while playing ball... the mark still looks like Africa. I think it goes great with my other scars from trying to rescue a raccoon out of a dumpster, and the dozens of trees I climbed back in the day. The raised line on my right hand is often forgotten until someone asks me about it. "Dogs really like me." Is usually my response.

Needing a hair cut would be an understatement. Half blonde half brown. The dead ends are real. I never do my hair, unless the kids get ahold of it, and even then they don't have much to work with. I used to joke Sophomore year that I didn't own a hairbrush. You would have thought it was true. It's truly the least of my worries.

My eyes never used to be outlined black, and they could have stared you right back in the eye. Now they wander in hopes you won't notice. I remember when sleepovers weren't an event I had to map out every scenario. Or the hurt I have to cover up when I'm asked why I'm different. Masked. I'm in hiding. To bad my hiding place sucks and has to many glitches. What I would do to go back...

With a crooked back, uneven skin, extra long fingers, size 11 feet, and eyes most people can't describe other than "wolf" or "grey blue" I am a whole lot of mess.

I used looked in the mirror in hate, to wish, and regret.

I can't believe I'm even talking about this.

Progress.

Someone told me I was beautiful. Someone told me I was His creation. They didn't give me the crappy, "It's what's on the inside" speech. They told me my voice was big. That they would take me bald. That I was safe without the mask. That my anxiety, and the actions from it, don't define me as a person. It was up to me to see that I was beautiful. To know that confidence makes a world of difference. Letting my guard down was freaking scary, sharing my insecurities and baring my naked self for all to see was NOT easy. And I cried.

But then something happened...

I was still me. I was still loved, accepted, and cared for. They saw me in my vulnerability and life continued on. Do you know how beautiful that is? To be free for the first time after so long you kept yourself locked up for no reason? I know what it feels like now. And yes, I still wake up in the morning and wish I looked more like Keira Knightley, Jennifer Lawrence or Natalie Portman (The taller versions.) But now I look in the mirror without hurtful words, but acceptance. To "work with what ya got."

I'm slowly learning these things. Slowly. But it's progress, and I love it. I am proud of myself. That I have gotten this far. That the stretch marks don't mean ugly, and the angel kiss on my ear isn't weird. My broad "football" shoulders, as we call them, look awesome in a strapless dress. And people would "kill" for my legs.

So I guess you could say I am accepting my me. Not because I've thrown a pity party like "Might as well accept the bad." Not at all. I'm just finally starting to see the good. It's not all about the looks *woah didn't I just say I don't like that speech? Yes, but this is different. Focus on having a beautiful mind, heart, and soul... next thing you know people will see a change in you too.

I have a journal that says "Live Beautifully" on the front cover. I've adopted this as my sort of mantra. So here I am. That once masked girl buried in her own insecurities, focused on what others saw when they looked at her. And now I can confidently say, that if I'm living beautifully, that's what will be seen. Both in my own eyes and others.


GOD IS WITHIN HER; SHE WILL NOT FALL. PSALM 46:5

Bittersweet: The End of a Season

     "I've thought long and hard about this. I've even tried not thinking about it. I've cried... a lot and prayed over and over again. Yet the words just don't come out right. They will never express how I want them to. Maybe they're not supposed to."
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     Yesterday was my last day. 20 days till I move. 20 days till I leave all this behind. After the most rewarding 10 weeks of my life it has come to an end. I hate the word bittersweet just for the sake of how real it is.

Let's back up a little...

     Before I went to Bolivia in May I got a text that said I needed to go to their house for a meeting. I had no idea that this trip to their basement, which is like a second home to me, would be the beginning of my long time dream coming true. I was handed papers to 'look over' and before I could find my seat I started bawling... of course. Long story short, as many of you know, I accepted an internship with The Lexington Leadership Foundation this summer. I would be working with their Youth Ministries: Urban Impact and Amachi... but I also got to take part in events for the Fatherhood Initiative, as well as sitting in on various meetings concerning the city of Lexington.

     One of the great things about this internship was that I got to share it with three of the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. One of those being my sister, Olivia. The other two, Michael and Chewie... (whose full name is that of a beloved Star Wars character!) Chewie, originally from the Congo, was shocked to find out that I had already been with Urban Impact for the number of years I had. I told him not to be so surprised... he would see it's very hard to leave once involved, and being employed was just a bonus compared to the lives you get to minister to.

     Olivia. The baby. The one who stays silent long enough for you to wonder what she's thinking, who speaks with grace and clarity. Stunning those listening she knows what's up. She is the writer, the thinker, the one who likes to talk one on one but deserves a stage. The visionary. I am glad to have had her intern with me. Looking forward to her growing in her faith and learning about herself as a daughter of Christ.

     Michael. Took on the title of best friend this summer. And thank God he did. The oldest and loudest of us. He was asked to make a choice at the beginning of the summer, and I think we are all happy with the one he made. Always challenging me... whether I wanted it or not. We pushed each other a lot and gained trust... say what?! My copilot, always getting on my nerves... not sure I could have survived without this one. Really proud of the man he is becoming.

     Chewie. Newest member to the crew, I always found myself saying "dang" under my breath around him. Just because you can ask him to do something, anything, and it will be done... and done well. Crafts. Heavy lifting. Prayer. Sports (Don't mess with him on the soccer field!) Canoeing. The kids love him. The list goes on and on people. For only being 15 this kid already has a heart to serve and I learned a lot from the past few weeks with him.

     Being in the office, sitting in on meetings, Thursday morning prayers, planning and going to camps upon camps, and watching the boys play basketball in the street during cookouts were great distractions to the biggest event that would come this summer. College. Moving to Knoxville, TN. And leaving behind everything I love.

     It would be selfish for me to stay...I have been selfish for not wanting to listen to Him. But I thank God daily for people that have poured into me this far, for having a reason to go and learn and gain the tools needed to come back and be more equipped for the job waiting on me. Jesus told his disciples to drop what they were doing... (what they were good at and comfortable with) to leave their families and friends behind, to follow Him. I have to remind myself of this often. I am doing what I have been called to do. No matter how hard it is. I will do it. I will live for Him and Him only.

     I won't go into detail of all the happenings this summer, but what I will mention is the late night conversations with my sweet baby girl on life or how this woman came into my life wanting me to call her 'Nana' and forever changing my heart. Not being able to accept J's friend request and the tan line from AMs bracelet. Failure after failure, disappointing those I love, but thanking God for forgiveness and lessons learned. Overcoming insecurities and proving myself wrong. Seeing my kids find Christ and saying goodbye to three boys we won't ever forget. Traveling out of the country and driving around East End. Being pushed out of the nest... literally. Solving middle school dramas and causing my own post high school. Running in the rain. Sitting at a conference desk in the Joe Craft Center, hearing the story of an immigrants daughter. Making friends in the park. Anointing the church because of a vision, praying... yes that says PRAYING praise God. SO MANY van rides that led to laughing so hard tears came down their faces. Letting my feet get dirty... because at the end of the day you can see how hard you played and worked. Using my big girl voice... some would say not enough, others would say too much (depends who was getting talked to!)

 

Just a few pics from the most amazing summer ever.

 

     I am blessed beyond measure for having the mentors I have. The constant encouragement, prayers, challenging me to not be average. Allowing yourselves to be transparent and open, showing that it's ok not to be perfect, because that can only be Christ. Teaching me how to Love God and Love Others, that I can be creative, make a difference, and that I will be missed. Forgiving me for being selfish and immature. Hearing what I have to say. Giving me such responsibility knowing I could handle it. Trusting me in situations many wouldn't. That is all I will say about them before I flood my room in tears. Love you. (Ya'll know who you are.)

     So here I am. 19 days left of this adventure called summer. Broken hearted that I won't have my kids running up to give me hugs after school. That my Tuesday nights won't be spent in their basement. I won't wake up to my mom yelling upstairs that breakfast is ready. And I have to face the reality this 'new' will be my 'normal' at some point. Yet I am so full of the Spirit. He takes the worry away, heals the thought of being lonely, and shows me His plan is so, so much better than mine.

They tell me I'm ready... and as hard as it is for me to believe them... I know I have to be.

100

   
                                                     
Have you ever written a date in your phones calendar thinking only of its meaning in that moment? Perhaps you are like me in that the event added, is just a marker for something bigger, more important. And yet, that event you added changes things... things you were not ready for. Then the day comes when it pops up, makes a little noise and says, "Hey remember me? I'm that forgotten day." And then stuff gets real.

I woke up yesterday to a forgotten calendar date. One that wasn't the real event, just a marker, or the start of a count down. "100 days till move - in day!" Now for a lot of people 100 days couldn't be longer, but for me - I hate knowing. I think it shrinks down the time left an excessive amount. Moving to Knoxville in 100 days. Going to college. All of this at 7:00am when I had about 3 hours of sleep doesn't sit well with this emotional girl receiving the news.

I thought of doing something special or meaningful each of the last days in Lex. But of course I would forget one day and that would ruin everything, plus I don't want to think of it as the world is ending, because it's not. It's just getting a little bigger.

I'm still waiting on my Algebra 2 grade to come in the mail (can you hear the excitement in my voice?) So I can send in my last transcript. Then the finalization of my acceptance will begin and my roommate, class schedule, and financial aid plan will become real. I have 99 days till I walk into my first dorm room and hug the girl I pray to God will become my best friend. 99 days till I no longer reside in my beautiful Kentucky. There are 99 summer nights I get to spend with my family, friends, and kids making new memories, and remembering old ones. So if you see me crying at a cookout, or pool party, it's not because I ate bad food or didn't get my turn off the high dive ;) It's because I am taking it all in the only way I know how. Blessed and thankful for the people around me that make it hard to leave.

That doesn't mean I won't stress or worry or feel sad. A dear friend that is back from school for the summer told me the other day that "Sometimes you have to let yourself worry a little... and then you realize. Oh wow it's really not that bad. And you're ok." I believe God does not want me to worry and to give it to Him. But I am not superhuman. And I don't want to try to test my powers against Gods. I trust Him that I am doing what He wants, and in that I will be ok. Human emotions are inevitable. So when I haven't slept in a week because I have horrible anxiety. And my half introverted half extroverted self can't decide if I want to be around people or all alone. I just kinda freak out.

I've done different things to relieve stress in a healthy way but in recent nothing is working. I saw my middle schoolers get off the bus before bible study and it made my day. Like I hadn't been forgotten. They were so grown. And I thought of how they would be in High School before I moved back. Then it got quiet in my heart again.

Last night the only thing that worked was to call Kelsey. Not to talk about the 100 day calendar event, my work week, or why I was freaking out. I just wanted to hear her. I just wanted something or someone that was for sure and consistent in my life. And I was ok after that.

Today I sat outside. And laughed because I am so pale.

Then I held back the tears thinking of being alone. Baby Lucy woke up and cried with me. She laid on my chest for about 30 minutes because neither of us wanted to do anything else except be close to someone without all the work. Without the stress. Or the constant up and downs our very different lives bring us. I like when Jesus teaches me things through babies.

There are a billion different ways to explain how I feel, or what I'm planning to do with my 99 days. All I know is it's ok to have mixed emotions. Besides Gods plans are always way better than mine anyway.

I talk to Him more now. About the stuff I get scared about, and the things I love. Normal things are still hard... bigger ones are even harder. But when it comes to fear and love, He is getting a lot more from me than before. And I thank Him for progress. 99 days might not come up in a conversation, but He knows. He knows how I feel. And that along with a big sister, a baby, and the sunshine makes things ok.

Academy #ittakesavillage

A lot has happened in the past months since I've written last. An entire summer filled with some of the greatest memories I will ever have. Camp after camp, new and old friendships ignited with a fire from God. I am not writing about this summer though. If I wanted you to know my entire summer you would.

Ask me about the 4am conversations that I had with some of the most God loving people I know. Or how about the nights around camp fires with my kids just laughing. Even better? People being saved by God's grace! The singing, dancing, and cheering. This summer was filled with lessons, taught and given. I have been blessed by an amazing God, and I wouldn't change a thing that's happened. If you really want to know more about my summer just ask... I will be more than willing to spend time on the greatest time of my life! But it's back to school time now! And with it comes even more adventure!

Tomorrow marks my second year with academy. This is a milestone I won't let myself forget. A year ago the only thing I knew was I would be seeing some of my kids from camp, and helping with homework. Ha. Little did I know my life would be changed forever. I have been pushed and pushed by kids half my size to be a better person, to see from a different perspective. They have lived through things no one their age should ever have to. But they did. And they keep going. They are my biggest inspiration, motivation, and encouragement to know that I CAN do it. We have wiped each others tears, laughed till we fell over, and broken more than one pencil...

People tell me it can't work. That these kids are not my siblings, that I just help them get one homework assignment turned in out of the week, I won't make a lasting impact. I have learned to stop fighting with these people. Instead i pray for them. That they will be changed, and see that God is helping me. My end goal is not to get every assignment in (although that is wonderful) or have them remember my name when their old and gray. It is that they know they are love by someone bigger than themselves, that they CAN do it. And I want them to be leaders. My name means nothing in the end. But the impact I have on them does. Love God. Love others. that's it.

I went to Woodhill twice this week because I was so excited about Monday. Getting out of my car, and getting pushed down by all the hugs is one of my favorite things. A lot of people my age would say getting a text from their crush or chilling on the beach are their favorite things. And I think those are on my list somewhere too... but those hugs.. they are my favorite. Talking to the Momma's. And waving to the neighbors who are starting to recognize me. These things mean something. I'm not sure what.. but I think it is something good.

Tomorrow they will get off the vans, give me a hug (forced or not!) and sit down once again to hear the Love God Love Others verse, and our year will begin. I have no idea what to expect now that some of my kids are in middle school, and I will have new second graders coming in. A few have matured a lot over the summer, others are going to be quite a challenge. Lucky for me, I have learned a lot, and am ready for more. One piece of advice that will be in use a lot this year, "Say it with ya chest." Things will be different for sure, but what's for sure is that I could always be a little louder!

Here's to the 2012-2013 school year and all it's lessons. Oh, and put your L's up!

Binders

     I think it's kind of ironic that my kids binders all broke at the same time... it was bound to happen any moment.

     Just like those binders full of old wrinkled up tests, permission slips lost in the chaos, 100% spelling tests, and the ripped up F's no one wants to remember getting shoved with new work and taking the beatings from dirty floors, tears, and being thrown around for over half a school year... ready to explode or break at the next math sheet jammed into it. I think we are the same way.

     So much crap and drama is building up in us, the stress from finals, work, people you just CAN NOT STAND, emotional break downs from taking on the job as a comforter to everyone else and your not allowed to break. And the good moments somehow get mixed up in all the craziness you cannot appreciate them as much as you should because there is to much other junk to worry about etc. It is assumed you can keep taking in more and more... until one day. you explode. just like those binders.

     I have to laugh at myself for not seeing this before now. I am just like one of the binders. Only though for me.. I'm not a 5" or even 3". I am a measly 1" binder who has literally been filled 3x more than I should be. And if you 'opened' me you would cry.. Lord knows I have. It's time to clean out the binders people. Your soul is dying amongst all the clutter you are chocking it with. And you cant do what you are made for when you don't know how to take care of yourself, your spirit.

     Three binders later, I am here looking at my own 'binder' and I am aware of what needs to go where, which things need to be removed and kept, forgotten and remembered. And all that stuff that needs to be put in a 'folder' under "God" yeah.. get on that. You do not need to fall apart anymore. Put away the duct tape and forget about the rubber band.. it wont work anyway.. trust me Zoe tried!

                                                      New binder. New start. Get it.

Dear A

Dear A,

I remember the day I first met you. Your voice was nothing but hate and anger. And people were scared to get to close. I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.

I remember seeing you fight back for so long. Adult after adult tried to control the hate spilling over and your easy to trigger emotions seemed to get hold of you before you even knew what to do. A battle none of us could win... it was you that needed to fix it.

A, I remember the day she had you pinned to the ground... you kept fighting. Exhausted, I held a phone to her mouth while the both of you struggled and I was there, watching you. It seemed so easy for you... we got so sweaty and out of breath just to keep you still.

I remember coming home that day.  I remember the pain in my heart.  The scars on another's arms remind the past struggles... I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.

Dear A, if you only knew how many people really do love you. How many times whispered prayers were for you. So many people called you bad. Uncontrollable. I know a few who had a dream of what it would be like to see you grow up better but doubted your abilities. I remember the day I said "The day he looks me in the eyes... then I will know."

Sometimes my mind wanders to the day your emotions flared (what others call bad behavior) you threw a table at me... and she had you take deep breaths. I remember those breathes. I took a few myself.

Time has come and gone A, and today.... you looked me in the eyes.

I was scared. So many leave it to others, and the rest just don't try. But I got down. On my knees and prayed that God would bring peace to the fist you tightened as I got to your level. "Throwing rocks is dangerous A. I'm gonna need you to apologize before I get crazy." What happened next will probably make so many laugh, and the rest question what the heck makes that any better? But I know.

Your sweet voice trying not to sound to mean or to weak "Imma need you to go with me so I don't hit nobody!" Flooded with happiness. I sigh. because you looked at me with complete honesty and admitted you needed help. Without any hate, anger, or violence you apologized and ran off to do some thinking. While you did this, I thought a lot as well. I thanked God for you. And how far you have come.

Dear A,
 You laughed today, smiled, said you're sorry, played with other kids, said my name over and over out of joy, AND you asked for a hug... which turned into chocking but hey.. I'll take what I can get<3

Lesson One: No Idols.

After a month of non secular music I am less egar to turn on my radio and listen to music I would have loved before. Does that mean I won't ever go back? No. Music is something I love, but I did this to remove myself of false idols people. Did I change? I'm not sure... that's up to everyone around me. But I do know I see people in the music industry differently than before. I will still sing along to my favorites... I just won't allow myself to go back to where I was. Now... I am listening to some love on top, down in the valley, poison and wine, and Cbreezy. Shocking Drake isn't top on my list anymore. I listened to Motto and it was good. Then I put on zone out by KB a christian rapper I have gotten super familiar over the last month and it was epic.
http://youtu.be/7tlSeDHroMo the link to this amazing song is here:) you're welcome.

When I started this challenge it was because I had a problem idolizing these people. And the trash going into my head was insane. But it wasn't a big deal because I only listed to it for the beat... right. Wheather I wanted it to or not those lyrics were burned in my head and they got misuded. It effected my mood, and the things that ran through my head throughout the day. It wasn't good. So I gave it up, along with other people who had the same idea. My own sister thought sure it was OK for me, because she didn't listen to the same stuff I did... but after a few days she caught on and decided to join me in this little adventure. And I think we both changed in our own ways, but we both willingly will g back to the secular music. Just not as obsessed, and more mindful of what we choose to listen to.God should be the only idol in my life. And that is what I am striving for now.

I can't help what plays in my work, or the store I'm shopping in but I can help what is on my ipod, the radio, and the CD's I choose to download. I love beats, I love rap. And I can honestly say that some Christian music was painful to listen to. Just like it pains me to listen to certain secular artists. You have to be willing to look for what you like and go with it. Thank goodness I know of a good handfull of guys who live and rap for Jesus. They are for sure what got me through this month. And I will listen to them everyday, along with some Jay Z, Beyonce, and Chris Brown.

You can have your own opinion on what music you listen to, and judge me all you want for going back. And also I want to say that rap is not all I listen to.. *GASP* Ever heard of the head and The Heart.. The Civil Wars.. Avett Brothers.. or Regina Specktor? Yeah those are like in my top 10 artists for sure.. but I had to give them up too. They do not have any vulgar language or cryptic message that makes you worship them, no drugs.. just great music and very creative voices. But do they openly worsjip the Lord or send inspirational bible verses throughout the lyrics not quite.. so they were out in the cold too. But I listen to some of their music today and I cant stop smiling! They just make me happy. And they have such talent! Something a few of the artists on my local christian radio could not offer me. Which is super sad. That is why I normally chose to not listen to the radio. Only CDs given to me or youtube some good NEEDTOBREATH:)

Anyway. This is super random but people wanted to know my thoughts about this whole thing when it was done. I recommend it, and I would do it again. After I had a MAJOR panic attack the first few days it wasn't hard at all. I actually FORGOT about some of my 'favorit' songs... it was crazy. I fell in love with the music played that worshiped God. And didn't tell me getting high and having random baby mamas was what being a pimp meant. And I have to laugh that those are things people still obsess over. I obsessed over.

The Drake concert will be at Rupp Arena this month and a lot of my friends are going. Some think I'm stupid not to go. But let me tell you, Drake is great at what he does. And I will still pick and choose the songs I like of him and don't like, just as I did before. But when God gives you talent and you abuse it with some of the crap,,

                                ****PAUSE*** ADELLE JUST CAME ON THE RADIO.

Bahaha. Ok As you can see I am so not very serious when it comes to writing about this. These artists are just PEOPLE. And I will no longer knock a girl out if they try to change the station that is playing Marvin and Chardonnay. It just wont happen. I won't even scream when Chris Brown comes on the TV anymore... fingers crossed. I also learned that basketball players are just guys as well. Along with everyone else in the world. We are all people. and just because you can sing, dance, act, play ball, or just look plain fly should make me freak out. I call this challenge a detox of fame and idols. Because after awhile you see differently, and I quiet like it. Now if you will excuse me some Tripp Lee has just been downloaded and I need to listen to Robot:) and I hear Jay Z has done a song about his baby girl. <3