100

   
                                                     
Have you ever written a date in your phones calendar thinking only of its meaning in that moment? Perhaps you are like me in that the event added, is just a marker for something bigger, more important. And yet, that event you added changes things... things you were not ready for. Then the day comes when it pops up, makes a little noise and says, "Hey remember me? I'm that forgotten day." And then stuff gets real.

I woke up yesterday to a forgotten calendar date. One that wasn't the real event, just a marker, or the start of a count down. "100 days till move - in day!" Now for a lot of people 100 days couldn't be longer, but for me - I hate knowing. I think it shrinks down the time left an excessive amount. Moving to Knoxville in 100 days. Going to college. All of this at 7:00am when I had about 3 hours of sleep doesn't sit well with this emotional girl receiving the news.

I thought of doing something special or meaningful each of the last days in Lex. But of course I would forget one day and that would ruin everything, plus I don't want to think of it as the world is ending, because it's not. It's just getting a little bigger.

I'm still waiting on my Algebra 2 grade to come in the mail (can you hear the excitement in my voice?) So I can send in my last transcript. Then the finalization of my acceptance will begin and my roommate, class schedule, and financial aid plan will become real. I have 99 days till I walk into my first dorm room and hug the girl I pray to God will become my best friend. 99 days till I no longer reside in my beautiful Kentucky. There are 99 summer nights I get to spend with my family, friends, and kids making new memories, and remembering old ones. So if you see me crying at a cookout, or pool party, it's not because I ate bad food or didn't get my turn off the high dive ;) It's because I am taking it all in the only way I know how. Blessed and thankful for the people around me that make it hard to leave.

That doesn't mean I won't stress or worry or feel sad. A dear friend that is back from school for the summer told me the other day that "Sometimes you have to let yourself worry a little... and then you realize. Oh wow it's really not that bad. And you're ok." I believe God does not want me to worry and to give it to Him. But I am not superhuman. And I don't want to try to test my powers against Gods. I trust Him that I am doing what He wants, and in that I will be ok. Human emotions are inevitable. So when I haven't slept in a week because I have horrible anxiety. And my half introverted half extroverted self can't decide if I want to be around people or all alone. I just kinda freak out.

I've done different things to relieve stress in a healthy way but in recent nothing is working. I saw my middle schoolers get off the bus before bible study and it made my day. Like I hadn't been forgotten. They were so grown. And I thought of how they would be in High School before I moved back. Then it got quiet in my heart again.

Last night the only thing that worked was to call Kelsey. Not to talk about the 100 day calendar event, my work week, or why I was freaking out. I just wanted to hear her. I just wanted something or someone that was for sure and consistent in my life. And I was ok after that.

Today I sat outside. And laughed because I am so pale.

Then I held back the tears thinking of being alone. Baby Lucy woke up and cried with me. She laid on my chest for about 30 minutes because neither of us wanted to do anything else except be close to someone without all the work. Without the stress. Or the constant up and downs our very different lives bring us. I like when Jesus teaches me things through babies.

There are a billion different ways to explain how I feel, or what I'm planning to do with my 99 days. All I know is it's ok to have mixed emotions. Besides Gods plans are always way better than mine anyway.

I talk to Him more now. About the stuff I get scared about, and the things I love. Normal things are still hard... bigger ones are even harder. But when it comes to fear and love, He is getting a lot more from me than before. And I thank Him for progress. 99 days might not come up in a conversation, but He knows. He knows how I feel. And that along with a big sister, a baby, and the sunshine makes things ok.