I think it's kind of ironic that my kids binders all broke at the same time... it was bound to happen any moment.
Just like those binders full of old wrinkled up tests, permission slips lost in the chaos, 100% spelling tests, and the ripped up F's no one wants to remember getting shoved with new work and taking the beatings from dirty floors, tears, and being thrown around for over half a school year... ready to explode or break at the next math sheet jammed into it. I think we are the same way.
So much crap and drama is building up in us, the stress from finals, work, people you just CAN NOT STAND, emotional break downs from taking on the job as a comforter to everyone else and your not allowed to break. And the good moments somehow get mixed up in all the craziness you cannot appreciate them as much as you should because there is to much other junk to worry about etc. It is assumed you can keep taking in more and more... until one day. you explode. just like those binders.
I have to laugh at myself for not seeing this before now. I am just like one of the binders. Only though for me.. I'm not a 5" or even 3". I am a measly 1" binder who has literally been filled 3x more than I should be. And if you 'opened' me you would cry.. Lord knows I have. It's time to clean out the binders people. Your soul is dying amongst all the clutter you are chocking it with. And you cant do what you are made for when you don't know how to take care of yourself, your spirit.
Three binders later, I am here looking at my own 'binder' and I am aware of what needs to go where, which things need to be removed and kept, forgotten and remembered. And all that stuff that needs to be put in a 'folder' under "God" yeah.. get on that. You do not need to fall apart anymore. Put away the duct tape and forget about the rubber band.. it wont work anyway.. trust me Zoe tried!
New binder. New start. Get it.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Dear A
Dear A,
I remember the day I first met you. Your voice was nothing but hate and anger. And people were scared to get to close. I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.
I remember seeing you fight back for so long. Adult after adult tried to control the hate spilling over and your easy to trigger emotions seemed to get hold of you before you even knew what to do. A battle none of us could win... it was you that needed to fix it.
A, I remember the day she had you pinned to the ground... you kept fighting. Exhausted, I held a phone to her mouth while the both of you struggled and I was there, watching you. It seemed so easy for you... we got so sweaty and out of breath just to keep you still.
I remember coming home that day. I remember the pain in my heart. The scars on another's arms remind the past struggles... I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.
Dear A, if you only knew how many people really do love you. How many times whispered prayers were for you. So many people called you bad. Uncontrollable. I know a few who had a dream of what it would be like to see you grow up better but doubted your abilities. I remember the day I said "The day he looks me in the eyes... then I will know."
Sometimes my mind wanders to the day your emotions flared (what others call bad behavior) you threw a table at me... and she had you take deep breaths. I remember those breathes. I took a few myself.
Time has come and gone A, and today.... you looked me in the eyes.
I was scared. So many leave it to others, and the rest just don't try. But I got down. On my knees and prayed that God would bring peace to the fist you tightened as I got to your level. "Throwing rocks is dangerous A. I'm gonna need you to apologize before I get crazy." What happened next will probably make so many laugh, and the rest question what the heck makes that any better? But I know.
Your sweet voice trying not to sound to mean or to weak "Imma need you to go with me so I don't hit nobody!" Flooded with happiness. I sigh. because you looked at me with complete honesty and admitted you needed help. Without any hate, anger, or violence you apologized and ran off to do some thinking. While you did this, I thought a lot as well. I thanked God for you. And how far you have come.
Dear A,
You laughed today, smiled, said you're sorry, played with other kids, said my name over and over out of joy, AND you asked for a hug... which turned into chocking but hey.. I'll take what I can get<3
I remember the day I first met you. Your voice was nothing but hate and anger. And people were scared to get to close. I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.
I remember seeing you fight back for so long. Adult after adult tried to control the hate spilling over and your easy to trigger emotions seemed to get hold of you before you even knew what to do. A battle none of us could win... it was you that needed to fix it.
A, I remember the day she had you pinned to the ground... you kept fighting. Exhausted, I held a phone to her mouth while the both of you struggled and I was there, watching you. It seemed so easy for you... we got so sweaty and out of breath just to keep you still.
I remember coming home that day. I remember the pain in my heart. The scars on another's arms remind the past struggles... I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.
Dear A, if you only knew how many people really do love you. How many times whispered prayers were for you. So many people called you bad. Uncontrollable. I know a few who had a dream of what it would be like to see you grow up better but doubted your abilities. I remember the day I said "The day he looks me in the eyes... then I will know."
Sometimes my mind wanders to the day your emotions flared (what others call bad behavior) you threw a table at me... and she had you take deep breaths. I remember those breathes. I took a few myself.
Time has come and gone A, and today.... you looked me in the eyes.
I was scared. So many leave it to others, and the rest just don't try. But I got down. On my knees and prayed that God would bring peace to the fist you tightened as I got to your level. "Throwing rocks is dangerous A. I'm gonna need you to apologize before I get crazy." What happened next will probably make so many laugh, and the rest question what the heck makes that any better? But I know.
Your sweet voice trying not to sound to mean or to weak "Imma need you to go with me so I don't hit nobody!" Flooded with happiness. I sigh. because you looked at me with complete honesty and admitted you needed help. Without any hate, anger, or violence you apologized and ran off to do some thinking. While you did this, I thought a lot as well. I thanked God for you. And how far you have come.
Dear A,
You laughed today, smiled, said you're sorry, played with other kids, said my name over and over out of joy, AND you asked for a hug... which turned into chocking but hey.. I'll take what I can get<3
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Lesson One: No Idols.
After a month of non secular music I am less egar to turn on my radio and listen to music I would have loved before. Does that mean I won't ever go back? No. Music is something I love, but I did this to remove myself of false idols people. Did I change? I'm not sure... that's up to everyone around me. But I do know I see people in the music industry differently than before. I will still sing along to my favorites... I just won't allow myself to go back to where I was. Now... I am listening to some love on top, down in the valley, poison and wine, and Cbreezy. Shocking Drake isn't top on my list anymore. I listened to Motto and it was good. Then I put on zone out by KB a christian rapper I have gotten super familiar over the last month and it was epic.
http://youtu.be/7tlSeDHroMo the link to this amazing song is here:) you're welcome.
When I started this challenge it was because I had a problem idolizing these people. And the trash going into my head was insane. But it wasn't a big deal because I only listed to it for the beat... right. Wheather I wanted it to or not those lyrics were burned in my head and they got misuded. It effected my mood, and the things that ran through my head throughout the day. It wasn't good. So I gave it up, along with other people who had the same idea. My own sister thought sure it was OK for me, because she didn't listen to the same stuff I did... but after a few days she caught on and decided to join me in this little adventure. And I think we both changed in our own ways, but we both willingly will g back to the secular music. Just not as obsessed, and more mindful of what we choose to listen to.God should be the only idol in my life. And that is what I am striving for now.
I can't help what plays in my work, or the store I'm shopping in but I can help what is on my ipod, the radio, and the CD's I choose to download. I love beats, I love rap. And I can honestly say that some Christian music was painful to listen to. Just like it pains me to listen to certain secular artists. You have to be willing to look for what you like and go with it. Thank goodness I know of a good handfull of guys who live and rap for Jesus. They are for sure what got me through this month. And I will listen to them everyday, along with some Jay Z, Beyonce, and Chris Brown.
You can have your own opinion on what music you listen to, and judge me all you want for going back. And also I want to say that rap is not all I listen to.. *GASP* Ever heard of the head and The Heart.. The Civil Wars.. Avett Brothers.. or Regina Specktor? Yeah those are like in my top 10 artists for sure.. but I had to give them up too. They do not have any vulgar language or cryptic message that makes you worship them, no drugs.. just great music and very creative voices. But do they openly worsjip the Lord or send inspirational bible verses throughout the lyrics not quite.. so they were out in the cold too. But I listen to some of their music today and I cant stop smiling! They just make me happy. And they have such talent! Something a few of the artists on my local christian radio could not offer me. Which is super sad. That is why I normally chose to not listen to the radio. Only CDs given to me or youtube some good NEEDTOBREATH:)
Anyway. This is super random but people wanted to know my thoughts about this whole thing when it was done. I recommend it, and I would do it again. After I had a MAJOR panic attack the first few days it wasn't hard at all. I actually FORGOT about some of my 'favorit' songs... it was crazy. I fell in love with the music played that worshiped God. And didn't tell me getting high and having random baby mamas was what being a pimp meant. And I have to laugh that those are things people still obsess over. I obsessed over.
The Drake concert will be at Rupp Arena this month and a lot of my friends are going. Some think I'm stupid not to go. But let me tell you, Drake is great at what he does. And I will still pick and choose the songs I like of him and don't like, just as I did before. But when God gives you talent and you abuse it with some of the crap,,
****PAUSE*** ADELLE JUST CAME ON THE RADIO.
Bahaha. Ok As you can see I am so not very serious when it comes to writing about this. These artists are just PEOPLE. And I will no longer knock a girl out if they try to change the station that is playing Marvin and Chardonnay. It just wont happen. I won't even scream when Chris Brown comes on the TV anymore... fingers crossed. I also learned that basketball players are just guys as well. Along with everyone else in the world. We are all people. and just because you can sing, dance, act, play ball, or just look plain fly should make me freak out. I call this challenge a detox of fame and idols. Because after awhile you see differently, and I quiet like it. Now if you will excuse me some Tripp Lee has just been downloaded and I need to listen to Robot:) and I hear Jay Z has done a song about his baby girl. <3
http://youtu.be/7tlSeDHroMo the link to this amazing song is here:) you're welcome.
When I started this challenge it was because I had a problem idolizing these people. And the trash going into my head was insane. But it wasn't a big deal because I only listed to it for the beat... right. Wheather I wanted it to or not those lyrics were burned in my head and they got misuded. It effected my mood, and the things that ran through my head throughout the day. It wasn't good. So I gave it up, along with other people who had the same idea. My own sister thought sure it was OK for me, because she didn't listen to the same stuff I did... but after a few days she caught on and decided to join me in this little adventure. And I think we both changed in our own ways, but we both willingly will g back to the secular music. Just not as obsessed, and more mindful of what we choose to listen to.God should be the only idol in my life. And that is what I am striving for now.
I can't help what plays in my work, or the store I'm shopping in but I can help what is on my ipod, the radio, and the CD's I choose to download. I love beats, I love rap. And I can honestly say that some Christian music was painful to listen to. Just like it pains me to listen to certain secular artists. You have to be willing to look for what you like and go with it. Thank goodness I know of a good handfull of guys who live and rap for Jesus. They are for sure what got me through this month. And I will listen to them everyday, along with some Jay Z, Beyonce, and Chris Brown.
You can have your own opinion on what music you listen to, and judge me all you want for going back. And also I want to say that rap is not all I listen to.. *GASP* Ever heard of the head and The Heart.. The Civil Wars.. Avett Brothers.. or Regina Specktor? Yeah those are like in my top 10 artists for sure.. but I had to give them up too. They do not have any vulgar language or cryptic message that makes you worship them, no drugs.. just great music and very creative voices. But do they openly worsjip the Lord or send inspirational bible verses throughout the lyrics not quite.. so they were out in the cold too. But I listen to some of their music today and I cant stop smiling! They just make me happy. And they have such talent! Something a few of the artists on my local christian radio could not offer me. Which is super sad. That is why I normally chose to not listen to the radio. Only CDs given to me or youtube some good NEEDTOBREATH:)
Anyway. This is super random but people wanted to know my thoughts about this whole thing when it was done. I recommend it, and I would do it again. After I had a MAJOR panic attack the first few days it wasn't hard at all. I actually FORGOT about some of my 'favorit' songs... it was crazy. I fell in love with the music played that worshiped God. And didn't tell me getting high and having random baby mamas was what being a pimp meant. And I have to laugh that those are things people still obsess over. I obsessed over.
The Drake concert will be at Rupp Arena this month and a lot of my friends are going. Some think I'm stupid not to go. But let me tell you, Drake is great at what he does. And I will still pick and choose the songs I like of him and don't like, just as I did before. But when God gives you talent and you abuse it with some of the crap,,
****PAUSE*** ADELLE JUST CAME ON THE RADIO.
Bahaha. Ok As you can see I am so not very serious when it comes to writing about this. These artists are just PEOPLE. And I will no longer knock a girl out if they try to change the station that is playing Marvin and Chardonnay. It just wont happen. I won't even scream when Chris Brown comes on the TV anymore... fingers crossed. I also learned that basketball players are just guys as well. Along with everyone else in the world. We are all people. and just because you can sing, dance, act, play ball, or just look plain fly should make me freak out. I call this challenge a detox of fame and idols. Because after awhile you see differently, and I quiet like it. Now if you will excuse me some Tripp Lee has just been downloaded and I need to listen to Robot:) and I hear Jay Z has done a song about his baby girl. <3
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