Semesters End

I consider it a victory, making it through the whole ceremony without crying

but then I got back to the dorms. 

It was quiet, the hall was lined with stuff girls had started to move out of their rooms.

A true sign the end of the semester has arrived.

Soon this hall will have new RA's. Ones that will most certainly be good at their job, but they won't be like my RA's. The RA's I've called my best friends these last two years. How does that even happen?

How can you become so close with people you have only known for such a seemingly short period of time? I'm not sure how - but I am assuming it has to do with the fact that you live with them - you share every single day with them. Good, bad, and, ugly. They take care of you like your family used to. They push you to do hard things you feel so accomplished after achieving and convince you that those discounted shorts really are cute. You stay up way to late doing "homework" with them, eating ice cream you shouldn't be eating, and laughing till you pee your pants because someone just couldn't handle that embarrassing story. They argue with you just as much as your siblings do because they care about you and sometimes spending too much time together makes everyone a little crazy. You know just what to say to make them upset, and you learn just how cruel your own words can be in a real sh***y way. They know just how to build you up and when nothing seems to work - they call on the One who does. You spend time in massive book stores looking for the funniest and cheapest movies to buy and watch. You share closets. You play hide and seek in wal mart - but make sure to be back before curfew. You sing horribly auto-tuned songs at the top of your lungs, and dance at any opportunity. You facebook message all summer about culture and music and being quiet. You have meetings in the schools pride and joy of a monument, the "Monoptotron" and just share space.

Community has been built here. I have found my identity and lost it too. I have climbed physical mountains and metaphorical ones with them. They took me under there wing as baby chlo, the freshman. And now, as a rising Junior I am thankful for their wisdom, stupidity, willingness to listen and be silly, to teach me, and to love me when I know I was so so unlovable.

Something I've figured out by laying here is you never seem to remember how you became such close friends. Maybe the first time you saw each other or when you talked the first time, but I honestly can't remember a day I said "he or she will be one of my life long friends" it just sort of happened. And I consider that to be the most beautiful thing. 

I remember when she told me she wouldn't be coming back - how I wanted so badly for it to be a joke.

Or when I needed to be honest with how terrified I am about sitting alone.

How she came into my room to drop something off  - and all we could do was cry - because growing up is scary,  

I just want the class of 2015 - associate degrees and beyond to know how thankful I am for them. Whether you have been my friend the last 2 years (which seems like a lifetime) or just in this last semester. Keeping me safe on a crazy packed subway car, or leading me to be more like Jesus in all my friendships, allowing me to be vulnerable. Maybe you don't even know how I looked up to you, but my mission is that I can be that for some underclassmen as well. Because it is a real gift to have someone care like y'all have.

Change has never been an easy thing for me. And this is a pretty huge change for all of us. The graduates I had to hug tonight knowing they won't be here in the same way ever again. The moving out of the dorms, some of us back home, some to start careers, others to wait for graduate school or an internship in the area this summer. I paid my first rent check today - well after crying about it and getting help from my dad. Others have already picked up their keys, sent in their referrals for a new job, etc.

Like I said before the halls are becoming a place that looks more like a Saturday morning yard sale than dorms. Room 209 has bare walls and their own attempt at starting the packing process. My roommate has come much further in this than I have - with sickness settled into my lungs - and 4 exams meeting me next week starting Monday morning - I haven't really wanted to deal with packing up this life. But I will have to eventually. 

You can't start a new adventure when you're sitting at the end of another.

Eno Truths

Today I am hanging between the two trees my friends helped me pick out yesterday. It was my first eno session of the year – with my own eno. After a freak 10 minute down pour we decided to continue on with our journey to the tree line past the field behind our school. Today is much cooler, breezy, full of sunshine and zero humidity. This is a spring lovers happy place. Today I am in love with this city. I am in love with my school. And I am in love with a God who is so much greater than myself. As the sun peaks through the limbs and glares off my laptop screen – I am here to write two papers – and accomplish the final assignments I have to get done this week before finals. Yet somehow all of that seems to melt away when I am here. Not in a procrastination way - if I wanted to procrastinate I could be asleep in my room. Instead this is breathing life back into a girl who is worn thin. Who has the feeling of being left in an empty room after graduation. A girl who honestly doesn't know what is to come next fall – where to call home. Where to make the next move with intention and care. Who are the “least of these” in her reach – and what can she do to share the gospel and meet needs in a way that isn't so "churched" and outlined. 
 
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Today I was charged with the trait of Compassion during Errosthe, that is a Greek word that sort of means you are moving on or leaving the chapter you are currently in for something new. The seniors charge underclassmen with the trait they were awarded and asked to continue that on throughout their time at Johnson and to whomever they come into contact with. Strangely enough I served on the committee for Errosthe and when I delivered the news to the seniors they had been chosen, I never imagined one of them charging me. I was honored, humbled, surprised, and yes, I did cry. I cried when I heard the seniors speak, and I cried after Margret held my hand to tell me she would not have chosen someone else. I share that not to boast or rub it in anyone's face – I am sharing it because of how much I value her as a person, how much this school actually means to me regardless of the bad days, and how I will not take this charge lightly. Today I found it easy to smile at those around me, and easy to mourn the lost and broken with those who asked me to. I don’t feel the need to complain about little things. But I must also note the sun is out today. Yesterday, and the days before that I had to play in the rain (only to lose my glasses)in order to find joy… but I found it... and my glasses too. I want to work my hardest at finding joy in life. To advocate for those that need a voice to represent them. I want to make decisions based off of Christ – not myself. But most of all I want to be the leader that was charged on the hard days. The days that freaking suck. The days where the work is piling up, the doubt is swimming around my head, the bills need paid, and the communication was poor. Compassion is not simply noticing that someone is hurting, but doing something about that hurt too. 

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In this past week alone I have learned a lot about myself. How brave I can actually be, how much I value Christ and his push for reconciliation. My own identity in Him - not in the urban girl I have so popularly become known as - at my own influence... I have learned that I can play in the rain 3 days in a row before I start to really go through sun withdraws. And on that third day the sun seems like my own sort of love affair - I can't get enough - and I hate when school calls me back to reality... if I can even call it such. I've learned that I can listen to the "hipster" station on Spotify for an hour before I need something else... like Kendrick. I fasted on purpose for like the second time in my whole life... that was weird. I am not sure if it did what it was supposed to if I am honest, but that is due to several other reasons. I think the next time I will fast it will be something social media or shoe related... I've learned that I have some of the coolest flipping professors on the planet and I go to a school I have a love hate relationship with - but that is no news to anyone. I tend to flirt with the line on a daily basis - constantly pushing the limits of what I can say in class or to others to make them think without getting a condescending look or reference to Dave's' office... I just have to be sure not to hit anyone again... still not that sorry ;) 

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I managed to steal my sister from her crazy busy life for 5 hours on Saturday. Praise God for her. As much as we see things differently I am just happy we share the same blood. I am debating on going home - LEXINGTON - before training starts... not that it matters to anyone reading this... but it's kind of a big deal to me to hug some little ones and kiss the bluegrass state I love goodbye for the summer begins. Passing these exams seems like it may be impossible... good thing I just taught a lesson on that at Emerald... haha God. Packing is such a far off feat to conquer I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about being an upperclassmen. I don't want to think about how difficult adapting to this place, a new home, new roommates, new routine, is about to be for a girl that spits change in the face if it's not prompted by her own doing. I honestly just want to look at all of those things and run in the complete opposite direction... but that would defeat my whole purpose of life... so yeah. 

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Calling on the Creator, wind, rain, sunshine, bare feet, new books, fresh pens, late night talks, adventures, mountains, street lights, cookies, good music, the farmers market, long summer night walks, and playing hours of street ball to motivate the next two weeks and get me through the next 3.5 months. Lets consider this a marathon and I am still in the pre-race work out phase. Come May 1st I will be crossing that starting point and I will be pressing on till the middle of August when a whole other adventure beings.

Ready... Set...

Live. 

Belonging

There will always be a sense of belonging there. A feeling that takes over my insides and explodes into a bright smile and warm heart. It wouldn't matter if I had a home with parents, their spare key, or her little town house couch, to journey back to. There will always be that call to go back. For how long? I'm not sure. But for right now I am thankful that the feeling of belonging is still there. Despite how hard that makes it  to leave. 

He just said "2 more minutes" and I gave him hours. We don't get to do that often. So why take it away when you can just breathe? Only about 3 people on this earth currently bring me the same amount of frustrations as peace. You only have one best. And talking about life till you fall asleep is probably one of my favorite things. You should do it more if you don't already. It's foundational I believe. Able to be as serious and as silly as needed. Im proud of the hard things he's has to do in the last week. I'm excited for his summer plans but I'm really empty at the thought of not being a copilot this summer. 

He has a big day in court tomorrow. So of course we turned it up the day before. Matching colors, until mom made me change out of my dress cause "I know how you are" she's right. I always come home with a bloody limb or ripped white jeans. Never fails. So she was prepared to say it yesterday. His choice of music always leads to Wayne and Chief Keef. I don't mind it, especially when we all know the words and he acts surprised I can still bang after going to "Johnson" his voice always a little sassy when he says it. With that hair he is for sure taller than me now, and wants to be treated like he's grown. But then moments when he can't get his shirt buttons around his wrists to fasten he just hands them to me. I'll never be his mom. I'll never be his aunt. And the world wants to remind me I'm not his sister either. But they don't know what belonging like this feels like. 

She has grown up into one of the most gorgeous young women I have ever known. Still full of fire and smooth as a stone by the river. She carries herself differently - and I think it's cause she knows what it feels like to belong like I do - so we fight for that. I'm thankful that her house is somehow a change of pace in a neighborhood that doesn't know quiet. Her stories. Her love. And her ability to teach. She's been sis for years now. 

Brothers legs are practically longer than mine and being 2 is so hard. I love him. And one day he will know me like he does the other self declared "aunts" only tho I claim him as brother. 

My parents house is too big now. Part of me wants them to just move out of the house we built - but more of me just wants them to fill it with people who need to belong too. Watching basketball games in this house will always be special though. We bleed blue and I'm aloud to scream real loud. 

This may sound crazy but I think the sun shines differently on Lexington - and that makes it really hard to leave. My heart honestly broke a little yesterday when it set in that Knoxville will be the new place of belonging this summer. I'm so excited about it - but knowing that screaming the Bobo or running lay up drills in the summer heat with my favorite boys, or laughing about how I'm truly terrible at Spanish in Bolivia just won't be happening anytime soon. 

Closing a chapter. Moving into an apartment with three other girls on the hill. And accepting a job that will be grueling and beautiful. Don't worry Lexington - I still belong to you.