Monday, June 18, 2018

grown kids love

It's interesting...

the older kids get. the less *climb all over you and ask 100 questions* moments there are.
for years that's all I ever knew. 
fight for who sits in whose lap. 
who gets to hold my *insert item here* for the day. 
you know the drill. little kids love to love you. 
or act like they don't like you just so you will go the extra mile for them to like you!
that changes as they get older. 
less hugs. more head nods.
less giggles. more hard conversations. 
this is the world I've been in recently. 
they don't hate me... at least not all of them. 
they just can't sit in your lap or want to play games anymore.
and they for sure don't scream your name down the hallway. oh no.
the love. the loyalty. is expressed much differently now. 
who shows up when asked.
who comes around even when they aren't asked. 
the ones that remind others what I say should be listened to...
this is how they show their love or their loyalty most days. 
today was tough.
today I told myself I would do anything for my kids. 
no matter how old they are.
no matter how they show love. or where they are from. 
or if they check a certain box on an application. 
I was going to do whatever to make sure the bad couldn't get to them
...at least today... 
at least in the space I told them they could be safe. 
and when threats came our way
... my way... 
just as I had jumped in, they jumped faster. 
They held me back from making a mistake I would regret.
I didn't want the bad to touch them, not even come close. 
and yet, there they were, defending me, 
praying they kept their cool and wouldn't lose out on their opportunity. 
I was blown away. 
No, they don't scream or chant my name to eat a weird snack like the little ones do.
But they have my back. 
And I will forever have theirs. 
We have a long way to go, but tonight, I am thankful for how my grown kids love. 

Sunday, June 3, 2018

There's More to This Story

To the last 24 days of my life

You waited for this day for what feels like your whole life
Tears. Laughter. Great big hugs.
Answered prayers coupled with prayers we will just have to accept the answers to.
I wish I could tell you in words how much my heart has been exploding open... while still having the capacity to lock some out. 
Day in and Day out hard truths we always give or receive.
We are hearing their stories for the first time.
Raw and ready to be held.
We are turning the page to our own story.
Wondering how we are so blessed to see good days like these.
So often people cheer and applaud for me, on days like this, and I shake my head.
This was always in them. We should cheer and clap for them.
I see the darkness and the brokenness and the loss and the different as motivators for us to be here.
To remain in a space that has always felt like home. 
It never developed over time for us. 
I didn't pray about it.
I never asked God to show me where home was. 
It was always here. 
Always them. 
So no, I don't deserve applause or cheers for doing the easiest thing I could be doing. 
Showing up. Loving. Crying. Laughing. Reminding.
And standing in the middle of the wrong path giving some kid my side eye like, 
"I wish you would go down this path! See what I do to you."
I'm exhausted. 
I'm not sure what just happened the last month. 
But I can say I wouldn't want to live another life. 
No amount of unforeseen circumstances, late nights in this city, brutally hard conversations, or missed deadlines will prevent me from seeing the good days. 
Because they are really, really good days. 
And there's more to this story.















This is why I do what I do.
They are my why.