I looked up the definition of survivors guilt…
“Survivors guilt is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic or tragic event when others did not, often feeling self-guilt.
A variant form has been found among rescue and emergency services personnel who blame themselves for doing too little to help those in danger, and among therapists, who may feel a form of guilt in the face of their patients' suffering.”
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I remember watching him pick at the skin peeling off his very fresh tattoo... while several adults talked about next steps... "my brothers keeper" in big block letters across his forearm. The name of that brother woven within the sentence. Up to that point he hadn't looked up at us. Head bowed, eyes blank. But when I took his arm to examine the ink and commented on how "he would love this." I got a nod of approval.
No one prepared us for the guilt and shame we have.
No one prepared us for this hardness inside our souls.
No one prepared them to watch their best friend die.
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All we can manage to do some days is... Asking the same questions. Praying the same prayers. Crying and screaming for help but nothing has changed. And yet everything has changed.
I am tired of believing the lie that my job is to go to funerals and vigils instead of graduations.
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365 days later.
365 days after I reached out for him.
365 days after blood spilled & our community wouldn’t ever be the same again.
365 days our hearts have longed for change.
I hope no one ever has to experience a young person's face being revealed as they are turned over in the grass. I’ve prayed for the nightmares to stop. For the images of violence to be removed. That memories of him laughing and playing ball and hanging out in the front yard would take over my mind.
365 days later and the total number of young people lost to gun violence in Lexington, Knoxville, Louisville, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, etc. has doubled its usual average.
Day after day after day.
We hear of another child killed.
Eventually you start believing lies.
You believe things like you could have done more. It should have been you. What if this or that would have happened instead.
The guilt takes over. The lack of hope feels heavy. And like I wrote 365 days ago, the sadness creeps in without your permission. And if I knew then what I know now... I would have told myself to let go. To release those lies. To grieve and heal and not to become numb like I am today. To breathe in and out and pray for the strength I still haven’t been able to muster on my own.
There isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t think of or pray for my kids. I think of how so many lives changed that day. I think how we are so far from where we need to be. And other times I recognize how far we've come.
I had dread about this day on the calendar… Like once I turn the page something horrible would happen. But the reality is. Horrible things have happened and beautiful things have happened nearly all 365 days since we lost Donya.
What is important is will I sit in a pit of hopelessness or will I fight to stand tall another day? Will I work hard to make sure this trauma can’t happen again? Will I let go of the things I feel I need to be in control of and just let God be God? Or will I believe lies that cripple me from being who I was meant to be?
This year has been so many people feeling guilt, shame, sadness and anger. I hope we can lay those things down and know that's not what God wants for us. And it's not what our boy would want. There will be joy for us yet.
