twenty first

I wrote them down on a yellow envelope. 

But mostly they've been written down on me over the last 21 years. 

Celebrate every victory, big or small.

Find the beauty in everything.

Be present.

Over planning kills magic. 

If flowers can blossom after long, harsh winters, so can I.

My identity is in Christ, and He made me a masterpiece.

Rest.

I am a hurricane of a girl, and the homeless relate with my wolf eyes. 

Listen.

Naps are for everyone.

Play in the rain.

Seek joy everyday.

Take a deep breath and wait five seconds. 

When hugging a child, never be the first to let go. 

Messy isn't wrong.

Love everyone.

Crying is okay.

Pick Adventure.

Laughing loud just means you have a full heart, keep it up.

Don't let anyone tame your wild. 

The last one was hard.

I felt like I was empty without it.

Then it hit me. 

And the obligatory words were tuned out, and the joy was seen in a drizzly November day.

My twenty-first.

I may have been found by the greatest, but His gift to me will always be, even after the songs stop, the pixie dust fades, Wendy grows up, and Peter dies, that I can be a Lost Boy. 

Not Strong Enough For It #1

"Where's Chloe?!?" 

He choked out through the tears.    

I had already turned the corner. Still in ear shot, but out of sight. 

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

We both needed space, but each other at the same time. Reminds me of the best, who is 2.5 hours from me, soon to be 11. 

I needed him to know it was okay, and he needed to know that I was still there. 

Just there. 

"I'm here" I spoke up, out of the slumber I was in. "Come talk to me."

Only though I didn't really mean it like it sounded... 

He fits right under my shoulder... practically the same size at this point. 

Silence. 

I hate it.

I hate it so much. 

I know he only needed me to be next to him, and not say a word, because we are the exact same person give or take a few things. 

"Good game" is BS in this situation. And I wouldn't dare someone to say it them.

So we just continue being silent, and I remind them all that win or lose, jersey or no jersey, the love doesn't change on my end. 

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

"She is starting to show"

"Yeah... I noticed"

Come April, our EA fam in getting a little bigger, but not in a let's celebrate kind of way. 

Don't get me wrong, we will celebrate with her... we're even gonna plan a shower soon. 

It's just hard when one of the babies has a baby.

She is one special girl. 

And I am blessed to work alongside people who care for our kids like they do.

Even when others won't. 

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

Home.

There has only ever been one place people wanted to consider my home.

I agreed for a long time.

Now know what my soul has been trying to tell me for awhile.

Home is where I sweat, bleed, cry, give and get love on a daily basis, sleep. But it's more than that. It's also where I

celebrate small victories, and big ones,

get smelly hugs from boys twice my size who just got out of football practice, 

get challenged and encouraged, 

wake up with the strength to do it all again, learn, feel Jesus, 

where my beliefs are not ridiculed, but strengthened. 

Much like the succulents in my window, I can survive harsh care, but don't love that forever.

My roots can be cut, and I can relocate with ease. 

Take one of my petals away? No big deal, I will multiply in the next place, just give me time. 

The first wasn't wrong, the last isn't really the last. 

But my present is always where I give my all. 

My present is home.

Breathing is hard when I know something is required of me, and I'm not strong enough for it. 

But you know, sometimes I am strong enough for it. 

to be continued...