Coming Summer 2016: Cali

It all happened really fast... or slow? I can't fully remember. 

But I know I was a mess. A ball of tears and angry at the world. 

Sorry, let me back up for those of you who aren't aware that I'm about to make one of the biggest moves of my life this summer.

Currently finishing my Junior year with a double major in Bible & Theology and Intercultural Studies with a concentration in Urban Studies at Johnson University... and low key hoping to get a minor in Sports Ministry but that's just a dream.

Being an ICS major means I have to fulfill a minimum of 300 hours of field experience through a cross - cultural internship. Most of my peers will be spending the summer overseas since they're in ESL, Chinese, Missions, etc. I however get to stay in the states for mine since the whole goal for me is to serve as some sort of urban youth worker within inner city communities. 

Whether that's here in Knoxville, back in Lexington, or wherever God says to go. 

This summer that "wherever" just happens to be San Diego, California!

Pause

(Insert about 15 hours of crying spread over the last 3 and a half months)

I never said listening to God was easy.

Continue

I won't go into all the messy and chaotic details of how I thought I would be in Montgomery, Alabama this summer, or Harlem and that didn't happen.

Leaving the South won't be the hard part. Leaving these mountains or my sweet city that bleeds blue is always emotional, but my heart does entertain the adventure of new cities more often than not.

Leaving my family and friends... never ever easy, but I've been gone from them longer and farther than this before, and their support means so much to me in this.

I can't even write "leaving the kids" without crying.

"I'm not leaving"

I say it over a hundred times a day... to them, but mostly to myself.

3 months away from the ones I have spent almost every day with since last summer makes me want to just say it's not worth it.

But that would be the dumbest thing I could do.

I have to go, I need to go.

This will be one of the most life changing, influential, and greatest learning opportunities for me to experience while in college, and life as a whole! 

I've been dreaming about Oakland and Compton since the 8th grade and now my chance to see the cities I've been dreaming of for 7 years will become reality. I get chills thinking about it. 

I know it sounds crazy. Who loves cities they've never been to... especially "those cities."

Having the opportunity to serve and learn from some of the most seasoned urban ministry folks on the West Coast is something people like me can only wish for, and I get that opportunity for a whole summer. Making connections, relationships, starting to network for after graduation. This is a huge stepping stone for my future, education, and faith journey. 

Faith

Seeking the peace of the city

Claiming what is better and not letting anyone take it from me

Knowing that sometimes heartbreak is really just you making room to love more people

This summer will look like serving the homeless in multiple different ways.

Loving and caring for refugees.

Food distribution to over 70,000 people a month.

Conferences. Training. Leading dozens of missions teams in our community. 

Attending church at New Vision Christian Fellowship and forming relationships with my team.

After telling my parents and the kids I feel like I can breathe again. That doesn't mean the anxiousness is gone. Or the sadness about leaving them doesn't cloud my mind everyday. But I know that after 3 months I will return from a season of people pouring into me, teaching, training, and showing me what it's like to run a program in some of the most diverse cities in our country - filled and ready for another year in school and at Emerald Youth Foundation. 

Better equipped for the work I love so much.

Three weeks from now I will see the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Some of the worst poverty and greatest wealth within a couple miles of each other in our country.  

I just want to ask for prayer over this big move.

For travels. The summer programs I'll be part of. The team. My family and kids while I'm away. 

And for me to have faith as I am still in the fundraising process.

P.S. I just googled it and I'm less than 20 minutes from In-N-Out. 

Pray for my waistline while you're at it!!

Dear Rowdy Boys

Dear Rowdy Boys,

Yeah, you know who you are.

The ones who never stop talking till you call on them in class.
The ones who wear their pants a little lower cause that's what the grown men on your street do.
The ones who joke around and mess with everyone until someone says something about your moms or hairline or how someone broke your ankles last weekend in the game.

Then your jokes become perfectly shot venom to their Achilles heel, just so you don't seem weaker or emotional.

News flash. We all know that hurt.

My heart has always chosen you.
You who smell like the outdoors, or your uncs' house.
You who will do or say anything to get positive attention from someone.
You who love to wipe your sweat on me and rush to tell me about your grades... or hate to tell me about the trouble you ended up getting into at school that day.
We talk about your newest crush, how siblings are super annoying, argue about who the best point guard in the game is, and dream about where we will be in the next couple of years.

My heart will never stop choosing you.
Young to old.
Years have gone by, and I've gotten tired, but
I refuse to give up on you.
Back talk. Hateful attitudes. And a lack of respect for authority.
There is a reason behind all of those things. And I'm here to listen.

Those dudes in the tinted window cars.
Those dudes who rep something you fear and respect all at the same time.
They don't listen like I do.
They will only choose you while you're of value to them.
I will always choose you, rowdy boys.

I can't be mom... even if you ask me.
I can't be your girl... that's just #protocol.
I'm not blood, but I can be family.
I will be Miss Chloe.

And sometimes that means sitting on a bus in silence why you cry over the tragic loss of a friend.
It means playing 1 on 1 while I tell you about where I'll be for the next 3 months and being honest.
It means showing up in the Ville and just walking with you so you can be heard.
Sometimes that means not yelling when I absolutely want you to know how upset your behavior makes me. Because yelling to you is an unfortunate norm.
You better believe I know your Granny, Momma, Auntie, and big brother. We're close enough to where if you act a fool, I have permission to remind you what's up!
So sit back down sir.
There will always be times when you hate me with your whole being.
There will be times you spit on me, push me away, call me things you think will hurt my feelings.
You wait for my reaction. And when you don't get one, you will hate me even more.

Until one day.
After I continue to choose you.
Day after day.
You realize who I am.
And that I love you, rowdy boys,

It's hard to get all A's

I get upset when kids going home over the weekend without food till Monday.

I have an issue with safe teachers that consider themselves gods compared to their rebellious classroom.

I'm not okay with cops stepping over boundaries cause their badge gave them some sort of pass.

I have an issue when my kids feel like the only way to avoid and forget about all the shit that is happening around them, or to have fun, is to get high.

It bothers me that when there is an event to support non-violence in the community in memory of Zae, somehow, no one is safe even then. 

I have an issue with gang members taking peoples lives and thinking they are above all moral conscious. 

It breaks my heart when little girls are left to raise their own little girls alone.

Ebb and Flow

This is the cycle

Again and again 

Gun shots
Sirens 

The smell of bud or liquor on every corner

Lifeless Bodies

No one knows their stories.
No one knows their hearts. What they love to do, what they wish to be.
But I know. Because I have listened. I cared enough to ask.
They wish to be alive.

"It's hard to get all A's Chloe."

It's hard to get all A's when the resources aren't there to help you anyway. But it is really hard to get straight A's when you have to look over your shoulder all day. Or when you don't know if mom is coming home that night. Or if your home is actually a shelter with a bunch of other moms and kids who have been abused and unloved like you. Or you haven't eaten anything for 3 days. Or maybe you can't get straight A's because your brother, daddy, cousin were shot and killed last week and people brush it off like "they knew better."

The streets are ruthless, heartless, and cold.
Territory. Protection. Identity.
All of these things can be sought after and achieved in other ways.
It is the easiest and most difficult thing to do. To sign your life away.

But every now and then I am greeted with some of the brightest smiles, biggest hugs, "I love you too's" and all of those things fade away long enough for me to remember why I am here.
Why I chose such a god forsaken path down graffiti covered walls and littered sidewalks.
It's the hope that those little glimpses of light turn into forest fires in their souls. And the dark parts of their lives will be snuffed out by their light.

Staying up late into the night this weekend, listening to them, had to be one of the most filling, and exhaustively saddest things I've ever done.
I was excited to be let into their lives this past year.
I had no idea it would lead to feeling like this.

They are my family.
This is our city.
When they cry, I cry.
When they bleed, I bleed.
And when they get accepted to college, or denied the job, or welcome a child into the world. I am right there with them. 
Because I know that is what Jesus would do.

And maybe, just maybe, with enough prayer, faith, and challenging, that ebb and flow can start to look a little different.