comfortable rock

  

Shutting down. Shutting down.

   Closing in on the end,

   of something which was once unfamiliar.

   A new love. A never ending love I say.

   Tired. Beaten by the reality of these days.

   Building. Building.

   These senses will show me the way around the dark path.

   My heart will tell me pause and listen.

   What if I keep going? What if I say no?

   Breathing in deep. Holding the tears in my own hands.

   Open up.

   Locked away but still so transparent for all to see.

   Why must I be so unsure of this gift? Is it really me?

   Mouth closed tight, when really all it seems is open.

   Looking. Waiting. Hoping. Dreaming.

   Open up.

   Happy, oh so happy.

   Making sure happiness is plentiful around me.

   Me? Or that soul? I thought that's what I was doing.

   Seeing this I want to close my eyes tight.

   Get away. Run. Be free. Be happy.

   I know what it feels like to be alone in a room full of people.

   You made sure to put a smile on each face,

   and now its my turn to get a smile.

   Without a hand. Without a hug.

   Days like that are hard. Alone?

   Never. He is there, always. I talk to him, always.

   Human presence though, without a face it's a cold world.

   That path is still dark. The lamps on the side?

   Brighter than the sun.

The reason I get up in the morning.

The reason I try my hardest.

The reason I cry. Happy or sad. Alone or not.

Shutting down. Still Pushing. Building up.

 Feeling Happy. Alone in a cold place. Warmed by a thought.

The reason I get up in the morning.

  
   
It is no longer unfamiliar. No longer something to question. No reason to feel alone. All the reason to keep pushing, building, being happy, and to understand. Time to be the rock that is comfortable to lean against. Strong. Able to help the most tender hearts. Like my own.



                                                            



  

Goals

     Have you ever wondered when was the last time you did something different, out of the box, or new? Honestly, ask your self, "When was the last time I actually tried to do something new for once?" Most of the time, at least for me it isn't all to often.

     That's about to change.

     And no I don't mean I'm chopping my hair off, buying a motorcycle , or moving to Australia. Although I plan to do this at some point:) I am just saying that as I get older I tend to get into habits, and my explorer self seems to hide away sometimes. I see what needs to get done and do it. Point to point.  And since New Years resolutions bug the heck out of me... I decided to kick these lists of 'goals' or 'new things' on m 17th birthday. Which is just a day away.

     Maybe you will do the same? Join me in the unexpected, the silly, the planned and unplanned events to help you experience the world and find things out about yourself you would have never known one step at a time.

     To make you stronger. To make me stronger

     I am done waiting until I get 'Older' to do things that bring happiness to myself, and to others. So today I have decided that God gives opportunities to us for a reason, we just have to be there when He is ready to give them to us, and we need to be ready when He does. So whether you just really need to pick up and go hike a mountain, or just hug someone who really needs it, but least expects it. No excuses allowed it's time. Time that bucket list got made, and crossed out!

.

Free

Free.

Not controlled by obligation, or the will of another. Not imprisoned or enslaved. Like a plastic bag stuck in a tree. I am here in a place I shouldn’t.

Or so you think.

Like a bird in a cage. Looking out into the world it should be flying in. But I am 'safe'?

Holding me back would be the biggest mistake. Letting me be free in the world I may not 'belong' in is what I want. What I need. I can see how much people are upset by my leash going a little farther. Well I am here to tell those people it is not their life. It’s mine.

Free.

It is what I am about to do. Free myself from this cage of lies, the collar is off, the door is open. And I am running, running away only to go home. Home? The kind of place that more than half the world calls 'the bad part of town' it may seem too hard, or rough for this little girl that is just learning things for the first time. But this little girl is more than ready for that side of 'town' to be home. To be free. Why else would the feeling of happiness come from the thoughts of it?

Leaves are off the trees. Even the leaves have some freedom to expresses themselves in color, movement. And the birds are leaving me. Staying in one spot isn't an option for them, so why me?

The door is opened and I am taking a deep breath in and one foot is stepping into the raw lifestyle of the world. Colored by spray paint, tainted by the lost, and pieces of hope in every corner. So what if this place is 'unforgiving' and I am not 'strong enough' to hold my own.

For being young I do know this, I will NEVER have to 'hold my own' there is a man, bigger than any of those doubters, any of the towns that are 'bad' and all the locked cages. He is holding my hand, He is the one who gave me this drive to be free. He would never let me sit in a cage and watch all the hurting people go bye untouched by a smile.

Free. It is all I will ever ask.

And it is what I expect.

Born for this.

     My body was so sore. I had worked all day and then did inventory that night till about 2:30am. But I still went to church that morning to be with my kindergarten class, thinking I would go home and sleep for a few hours. Instead she told me that K was here and that turkey drop was going on today if I would want to help. BAM.

     Having a servants heart is not as easy as it seems. The moment I hear about an opportunity to help someone, or do something to better a situation I have to do it. Other wise I can't think of anything else. Even if I know I have a ton of school, or I have to work at my real job, or my body hurts, and I am pushing myself way over its limit. No sleep. No time to think. Yeah sure I'll stay and help.

     The turn out was crazy, I was so happy to see all these people wanting to help. That's another thing with having a servants heart. When other people get involved its like a kid in a candy store. My back is literally in so much pain holding back the tears was the easy part. Admitting I couldn't lift anymore turkeys, or carry the bags to the cars was the worst. Because I just could not help that person anymore.

     Delivering the turkeys we went to some of our kids houses. And for a spilt second, i think he really smiled when he saw me. "Miss Chloe?" he was playing a golf game on the tv. The house was dark. But the love I felt was greater than anything. His smile was more than enough for my sore body to keep going.

     Academy day. Thanksgiving dinner for the kids and their families, from all three sites. I walked in and three of my kids were already on the wall for getting in trouble. Yes, it was one of those days. Like you know I'm stressed so let me push you over the limit kind of day.

     "Breathe." She said.

     The laughs, hugs, smiles, and kisses were a reminder of why i do what I do. The "I got an A on my math homework" hug is reassuring me its not just some big play I'm in. This is real. it's isn't just having a servants heart anymore. this is me wanting to do everything in my power to see these kids make and reach their goals in life. That their dreams would become reality. And that they become leaders. So far i can see a little bit of this.

     The attitudes, the back talk, the tears, the fists thrown. It is still hard for me to deal with. but I am learning by experience what works and what doesn't. Someone told me today that I was born for this. Pause. Breathe. What? Dang. That out of anyone they knew it would be me to do this, be with kids, teach them, and grow with them. I may have to take a step back sometimes and breathe, or even cry. That's because these things they go through are  heavy. And my strength isn't up with their yet. But I am getting stronger. Strong enough.

     Pushed over the edge by K punching J and seeing him act the way he did upset me. And I had to pass it on to Pops. So when i heard my baby needed to take a "break" I said let me sit with him, we both need it. We sat there for what seemed like forever. We both got some breathing in. And under his muffled voice "I love you." seemed to come out.

     People ask me what gave me this servants heart. Or how can I keep up with all these kids. I ask myself the same thing every single day. That right there tells me EXACTLY why i do it, and what makes me love it so much. The fact that I can impact them in a good way to where they feel loved, and the ability to love back. It blows my mind. Just how close we have become to where one look and they know what it is I want them to do. Do they always do it? No! But we are getting there. And I love it.

     Maybe someday I will be able to handle the things that still make me a little upset. but for now I am OK with sitting in the hall taking a break and realizing just what it is that keeps me going. No matter how tired, or busy the reason I keep going back, and keep wanting people to see you have to go through some of the rough times to see the amazing. And that's just what I do.

Title

     I figure if we get a whole extra hour to 'sleep' I might as well try my hand at writing again.

I've been exposed to a lot lately. It's called the world. And believe it or not I don't like what I see.
Actually, I hate it. All I want to do is grab the world and shake it until it gets the memo of what the heck it's missing. Dad's that are never there. People killing themselves over judgement someone has no right of baring them with, kids who know the word CAN'T way to well, money being the center of their world, families being broken from abuse. I could go on and on but the point is we are broken.

I know I am not the only one seeing all of this pain, hurt, and loneliness going on in our own neighborhoods. Yeah. This isn't the 'hoods' problems only. This isn't the 'gays' problem. This is the WORLD'S problem. And I'm done sitting back and watching it all go down with the title I carry. Christian.

That title. That name wasn't given to me so I myself would be saved. "Hey I am a Christian and I am good to go..." No. Being a Christian means you signed up to be Gods image, kinda like a little mini Him. To do HIS work. Bring people to Him by LOVING them. ACCEPTING them. HELPING them. Treating them LIKE you would yourself. "What are you going to do about it?" I was asked not to long ago. And I said I wasn't sure. Now I know. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Even the days He gives us an 'extra' hour!

I have also seen the love, the joy, the happiness, and smiles. The outcome of doing the right thing. Most of the time its hard, and stretches your body and soul in ways you didn't think you could be stretched. The thing is that you did it. I have realized that taking a chance in messing up by doing something, instead of just sitting back and watching this world crumble is a heck of a lot better. I alone cannot cure this place of what sin has done to it. But every time I 'sprinkle by light' around people will see, feel, and want it.

With all I have seen, learned, and hurt for people. it is my time. My time to say yes to what my title is.