Mid Summer Night-mares

I wish I had a better way of describing how this summer feels

Part of me feels like I'm fighting for oxygen among the dense, thick uncertainty... I mean, humidity.
Another feels like I should really just unpack the rest of my things because what is the point if there is no new address to validate these boxes.

Go with the flow should be my middle name. Along with stubborn, bossy, loud, emotional... you get the picture.

But there is no flow to this summer.

There are some dates on a calendar that are important.
That say camp.
That say fun, family, ministry, city life, partnership, joy.

But they also say wandering, waiting, wishing.

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I realized the other day it had been over a week... actually way longer... since I had talked to any of my kids in Knoxville.
The worst part about it is I brushed it off because I had camp and meetings and, and, and.
I'm aware I no longer live there. I'm aware they have friends, family, and other really awesome people right there with them.
my fear is that I will become a name on a list in their life that left.
Forgot them.
Didn't want them anymore etc.

The selfish part of my wants to be everyone's Miss Chloe. 
Everyone's best friend. 
Everyone's sister.

No matter if I'm right next door or hundreds of miles away. 
I felt this when I left for college and I feel it now.
It's not possible.
And this truth is slowly killing me. 
This balancing act of multiple cities, facetimes, messages, and trips.

My love for people is the only thing that keeps me going, and the very thing that could sentence me to my grave if I don't come to grips with reality soon.

One of my dear friends and I had a conversation in early April about a fear I had for myself in ministry. "Do you think you enabled them? Do you think they will be able to function without you... without this context of you?" And as very important as those questions were... and in a whole other setting I'd love to talk about that with anyone.

I've since realized another question that should have been asked, "Do I think I enabled myself? Will I be able to function without them... without that context of them." And for the first several weeks, maybe even months it was downright hard.

Now? A few months out? I feel that functionality setting in for them. For me? I am searching for a road map to my own life.

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This new normal is a carnival mirror of a past life bending itself into the current one.
I don't like carnival mirrors.
But these hot, sticky, mid summer nights will mess with your mind just enough for you to fall for the mirage.
And a similar beat to the ones you love will have you dancing to a rhythm that promotes everything you thought you were against, but the cameras have already caught you mouthing the words. It's too late, 10 seconds from now it will be gone, and yet forever there ingrained in your soul and theirs too.

These are my mid summer night-mares.
What are yours?

4th

I want to tell you a story... I need to tell you a story. 

Today is my least favorite.

But I wasn't always this way.

Yes, I always fought for justice, peace and to stand up as a voice... someone else's voice.

I wasn't always the one marching or protesting or finding myself in conversations that make doing the right thing feel so off center from the rest of the country. 

I was the girl who held her flag the highest. 

Who sang the National Anthem at her first ever talent show. 

The girl who told her daddy she would fight in wars even if it killed her. 

Because her country, her people, were everything.

Uncle Sam, Lady Liberty, Bald Eagles, and lots of guns.

I can tell you I read a book that changed my life. 

Or that I met some people who would show me the value in the fight I had inside.

How to turn that into passion.

I always fought for justice, peace and to stand up as a voice... 

but this time it would be for me, for them.

I have gone through every phase imaginable.

Guilt, shame, disgust, shock, fear, grief, pride, ignorance.

I defaced flags.

I refused to stand or sing the National Anthem.

This time last year I was sobbing on someone else's floor, in Southern California, just days after being in Mexico, because this place isn't free, or safe, or dreamlike for anyone that looks like my friends. 

My family. 

Surrounded by poverty in the 1st world.

Fearing the young black and brown men in my life won't live to see another day.

Still in disbelief that man on TV somehow won the election in November and has destroyed peoples lives each and everyday since.

And yet, it's terribly easy to be a young white girl and be uncomfortable in this country.

It's a privilege because nothing will happen to me.

Here's to fighting for justice, peace, and being a voice for someone else on this very American Holiday.