I tried writing this several times.
Whatever this is.
Nothing measured up.
No words could be formed in order to display the affection I have for this place.
Closing chapters.
New seasons.
I started blaming the cold weather for the tightness in my chest & misty eyes.
But I know better.
I know myself well enough that traveling over oceans, and countries.
Going from one coast to another.
Will not extinguish the deeply rooted love I have for this place.
I have fallen in and out of love with others.
The questions have already started to flood my conversations.
The post grad questions all seniors hate.
Some more than others.
For me, I fear the questions less.
It is the answers I fear the most.
Commitment has never been my strong suit.
Ask my exes.
They will be the first to tell you I fled faster than an Olympic athlete in a race for Gold.
My throat starts to close up and my palms get sweaty even from the thought of being tied down to someone or something.
And yet I love this city so much, that even my desire to see every skyscraper this country has, there is a big blue beacon that acts as my North Star.
It is unexplainable.
I read a book over Christmas break a rad friend wrote about this very city.
His second book, arguably my favorite of the two.
It was as if he had snuck into my dreams and wrote down the very detailed parts of a city that make my heart beat its strongest...
Granted he was sharing stories about his own life, people we both know, and some I do not.
I read I Used To Live Here in one sitting.
I cried. I laughed. I sighed deeply.
I am so thankful for Caleb as a human.
And I am real thankful someone else sees the beauty and the heartbreak that is our city.
There have been several cold nights I have returned to this drafted, scattered, emotional collection of words in hopes something better will come.
Backspace. Backspace. Backspace.
Should I say this?
Will people think I don't love them too?
I miss San Diego.
I miss Santa Cruz.
I miss Knoxville when I'm not here.
I miss cities I've only spent a short amount of time in, but desire to go back, and back again.
I miss cities I've never been to.
And so continues the story of a girl and her love for cities and their street lights, culture, tall buildings, cracked sidewalks,
and most of all the people in the depths of them.
 |
| Christmas on Main St. Lexington, KY |
Afraid of the answers, yes.
Afraid of commitment, yes.
Afraid of big changes and not having control, yes
Ready to be challenged in those things, dare I say it?
Yes.
