He Was The Best Of Us

I've tried writing something down. I've tried to close my eyes tight enough to where this isn't real anymore. I've cried myself to sleep. I've hugged the young people I love dearly, without any words attached. I've scrolled through endless posts with a new hashtag. I've gone through multiple stages of grief in a few days time... shock, denial, pain, anger... but it always ends in sadness. 

Sadness is the scariest one of all. Because it doesn’t ask for permission to enter your heart. It doesn’t apologize for creeping in and settling down for who knows how long. This time… it will be forever. 

When I read the text that Ladonya had died... the air left my lungs. I didn't cuss. I didn't yell at God. I just wanted to go back to school and have him follow me to group because he saw donuts. I wanted him to laugh with his friends again. I wanted him to put the underdogs on his pick up team one more time... I wanted to get the image of his blood covered body out of my head. 

The text came after the call... I didn’t ask questions… but I knew.

I half walked, half ran down the sidewalk between Osage and the little park. 

Shit shit… God come on keep him alive. They are okay. Shit. 

It was all a blur. screaming. crying. cops. our boys. caution tape. 

Then I saw him.

Blood everywhere. His eyes... 

Ladonya. 

My gut reaction was to reach out and grab him. I just kept telling him we were with him and that it was gonna be okay. I wish that wouldn’t feel like a lie. That chill will never leave me. 

Cops started asking questions. They kept talking to me... That is when I lost it. But a friend reminded me that I had kids watching me and I needed to pull it together. I blinked a few times and looked around. She was right. There were kids walking through the cut, kids looking over their fences, kids on the sidewalk, kids at the park... I knew most, if not all of them. And they know Ladonya. 

Flash forward and the nightmare doesn't end. The devil doesn't just accept one loss... he wants them all. He wants to rip our community, our families... our kids, apart. The lives of his closest friends have been forever altered... and for what? No one has been able to answer that yet... He should still be alive. They should all be safe at home. Mothers should be able to hug their sons. 

Today I watched our neighborhood come together to honor Ladonya's life. In the middle of a pandemic. Even the police stood back to let everyone give their respect. The streets were lined with cars and the entire little park was filled. All for him. Young men and women I have watched grow up, in tears. After almost 2 months of not seeing some of my babies and grown up babies... we were reunited under the worst of circumstances. But it proved to me one thing.

He was the best of us.