Running Away to Find the Answers

I ran away last weekend.
I ran back to the streets I know the best...
the streets that know me too well.
Miles. Years. Missed "first steps."
The separation feels long and heavy.
And yet, whenever I run back,
it's as if someone has been saving my seat.
Someone has been clearing space just for me.
The weight is quickly lifted and I forget why I was even worried.
I listen for a few extra moments and find the rhythm,
right where I left it.
And before you know it,
I am in sync with this life again.

I saw little ones grown up.
Leading kids that are the same age he was when I left.
Called on to encourage and correct harsh teaching.
Of course, this is my element. My sanctuary.
I hugged and cheered and remembered how I felt in their shoes.
I touched the walls of a place I once knew,
and hoped to be mine some day...
One day.

My hero takes every opportunity to remind me why were doing this.
Without knowing it, he has shown me that every stage of construction,
is like the work God has had to do on our hearts.
We are willing to wait a little while longer because we know how important it is He...
they get it right.
I can see it now, more clearly than ever before.
Blueprints... dreams, coming to life.

This is becoming something solid.
Something sturdy.
More than just our words and fiery prayers sent out with deep passion.
The water and roots meant something years ago.
But only the streets have seen and heard and waited with us.

Then I came back.
My heart sank.
Tears streaming down my face because I know...
They know.
Seasons don't last forever.
I think I ran away in hopes I could avoid the truth just a little while longer.
Maybe I could convince myself and God there was an easier way.
The nudge I got back reminding me I never get to take the "easy" way was enough to sweep my knees out from under me.
Being obedient sucks.
Loving people sucks.
And yet I would never trade those two things for anything ever in my life.
Because I have obeyed and because I have loved,
I have been given the greatest life possible.

The next 10 weeks are going to feel like chaos and magic and heartache and joy.
But so will the rest of this life...

Secrets

This was somewhere deep in the drafts.
In the ripped up notebook paper.
Irreversible.
The echo is still here. 
And I want to be free.

-

You're still the first person I want to call when something happens. Good or bad, it's you.
And I laugh when I remember how hard we tried to not acknowledge the wave of feelings that were inside us from day one.
You were the Hulk and I was Black Widow. I got called in anytime you lost your temper, and after awhile it just became routine. I should have seen it then.
But I couldn't.
All I saw was the mysterious black sea that lied behind your eyes.
The markings on your body that preached a life only few could understand... and even deeper secrets only God can judge.
I can still feel your presence when I doubt my own.
You took the carpet out from under me. I still haven't caught my footing. 
I think that's why I've apologized so many times since then.
Innocence in question. 

I'm still trying to convince myself you didn't love the game more than me.
I'm still hoping I see your face once more in this lifetime. 
So I can remind you of the mix of joy and emptiness I've felt every day.
To get rid of the nightmares.