Secrets

This was somewhere deep in the drafts.
In the ripped up notebook paper.
Irreversible.
The echo is still here. 
And I want to be free.

-

You're still the first person I want to call when something happens. Good or bad, it's you.
And I laugh when I remember how hard we tried to not acknowledge the wave of feelings that were inside us from day one.
You were the Hulk and I was Black Widow. I got called in anytime you lost your temper, and after awhile it just became routine. I should have seen it then.
But I couldn't.
All I saw was the mysterious black sea that lied behind your eyes.
The markings on your body that preached a life only few could understand... and even deeper secrets only God can judge.
I can still feel your presence when I doubt my own.
You took the carpet out from under me. I still haven't caught my footing. 
I think that's why I've apologized so many times since then.
Innocence in question. 

I'm still trying to convince myself you didn't love the game more than me.
I'm still hoping I see your face once more in this lifetime. 
So I can remind you of the mix of joy and emptiness I've felt every day.
To get rid of the nightmares.