Relate if You can

Relate if you can they say. Of course. This is just the normal for free spirits.
I would know.

So many theological phrases come along with a mind meant for a bed of wild flowers. Such thought. Detail. On the fly all the same. Sentences that a scholar would dream of composing, with breath so small a child newly born could compete. Logical? Relate if you can.

So at peace they seem, those hippies of sorts. But war is the thing they have the hardest time with. A war not of the world, people, or things alone. Themselves. you vs. you. How could such a soft spoken, chill person deal with issues bigger than they know... relate if you can.

Take a stroll down a lane of deep breaths, lyrics written on your wrist, dirty feet describing the journeys taken, and a heart inscribed with tales  beyond all imaginations. Life.... the reality we have been missing all along.

Free spirits know it.  Feeling within the bones given to hide the true reason their presence is here. They see your struggles with 'things.' And they rest knowing you will fix it. Somehow. Wars within souls is only savable by Him. Let it go.

Quick I write. Sense? Why make any when these are just words? From my own mind I speak. Powerful to whom need it to be. Silly to those who care for anything but the relaxed form of expression. Open your soul to the fact that hearing comes after listening. You must be taught these things. A free soul knows being exposed to the lessons is the greatest. Beat beat. There it is. That drum once again it calls me. Relate if you can. If not, who knows... maybe your sain. And I am the one in need of some rules. Nahh.

Trial and Error

Such a student as you
careful in what you know.
Learning like the baby sparrow,
trial and error.

Such a child as you
always ready to grow.
Reach above your head to see,
how much more today.

Such a girl as you
shy to approach egar to be noticed.
Behave as others with no luck,
wondering why.

Such a teacher as you
loves to love. Hand ready
to calm. Instruct. And to discipline.
Just as you were once.

Such a human as you
always mistakes. Always good jobs.
perhaps tomorrow there will another chance.
Laugh, hours left you know.

Eating the information up like your first thanksgiving.  Crying tears for those who forgot how to.  Loving the thought of adults listening to what you have to say, silly or not.   Know, always what you can.  Sometimes it comes back in strange forms.  Listen, see, be ready.  Such a you is me.

Wind Is Sweeping Around

                                                        Wind Is Sweeping Around

As I accept a piece of me, small but

Given anyway, you go a bring me chills

Quick, you came and went on purpose?

For I wish you could have stayed, invisible

To the naked eye. Surrounding me like a

Revived spirit, I am consumed by your presence.

A tendency to brush against my skin like needles with strength
Like a hurricane? Or maybe you have tender wisps,
Sweeping around my soul. Clear and comforted your intentions are heard.

And being the small piece against your power I know how to stand;
Protecting myself like a priceless treasure. Many more times your
Appearance is made and my treasure is at risk, touched, felt.

Holding a hand prevents from facing the chill.
Worried you calm like the oceans breeze; you and I
A pair separation will not know, strength and growth

But broken still. Heart opened to let you in; wisps back,
Power is filled in these lungs of time.
Seeing at last purpose in these meetings.

Perhaps time will have it, wind will be a mirror of me.
Sweeping, touching, a treasure of play
Only to be given away again.

Clarity and Needles

Sometimes all you need is one moment alone with Him, in an element you are unfamiliar with, that you think you have no purpose doing, and it hits. Like your feet on Christmas morning when you were little; hard, running so fast the direction didn't matter, just as long as you got there.

There is the moment of release, letting go, moving on. Or on special meetings learning something new. I love that part, but sometimes you wonder why it could not have been sooner. If it would have been any sooner what would have gone through to learn anything? Moments of peace knowing He is right behind you smiling, sitting on the edge of His seat in approval.

Sometimes those moments happen and you share them. I did. And the passing of a happy thought, a happy time when only breathing coming from yourself is what you hear. He came to me through clarity and needles tonight. With a bath/shower that should have been 'too long.' With a conversation made for me to realize, it's not me whose driving the boat and asking for direction. Or maybe I was, and that was my problem...

I nod my head. This is where I'm supposed to be, panic attack number 5 of the day has come and gone, and the voice of a wiser than I says, "It may suck, and it may feel like it is to hard and you can't do it. But there are always, always reasons.... and your reason.. is them."

I am not the driver of this boat, He is.

These moments are never called for, but always on call.
When they seem a little late, they come right on time.
Just like the wind brushing against me like needles, and clarity in frosted wings, they are art ready to make the debut gala called, life.

comfortable rock

  

Shutting down. Shutting down.

   Closing in on the end,

   of something which was once unfamiliar.

   A new love. A never ending love I say.

   Tired. Beaten by the reality of these days.

   Building. Building.

   These senses will show me the way around the dark path.

   My heart will tell me pause and listen.

   What if I keep going? What if I say no?

   Breathing in deep. Holding the tears in my own hands.

   Open up.

   Locked away but still so transparent for all to see.

   Why must I be so unsure of this gift? Is it really me?

   Mouth closed tight, when really all it seems is open.

   Looking. Waiting. Hoping. Dreaming.

   Open up.

   Happy, oh so happy.

   Making sure happiness is plentiful around me.

   Me? Or that soul? I thought that's what I was doing.

   Seeing this I want to close my eyes tight.

   Get away. Run. Be free. Be happy.

   I know what it feels like to be alone in a room full of people.

   You made sure to put a smile on each face,

   and now its my turn to get a smile.

   Without a hand. Without a hug.

   Days like that are hard. Alone?

   Never. He is there, always. I talk to him, always.

   Human presence though, without a face it's a cold world.

   That path is still dark. The lamps on the side?

   Brighter than the sun.

The reason I get up in the morning.

The reason I try my hardest.

The reason I cry. Happy or sad. Alone or not.

Shutting down. Still Pushing. Building up.

 Feeling Happy. Alone in a cold place. Warmed by a thought.

The reason I get up in the morning.

  
   
It is no longer unfamiliar. No longer something to question. No reason to feel alone. All the reason to keep pushing, building, being happy, and to understand. Time to be the rock that is comfortable to lean against. Strong. Able to help the most tender hearts. Like my own.



                                                            



  

Goals

     Have you ever wondered when was the last time you did something different, out of the box, or new? Honestly, ask your self, "When was the last time I actually tried to do something new for once?" Most of the time, at least for me it isn't all to often.

     That's about to change.

     And no I don't mean I'm chopping my hair off, buying a motorcycle , or moving to Australia. Although I plan to do this at some point:) I am just saying that as I get older I tend to get into habits, and my explorer self seems to hide away sometimes. I see what needs to get done and do it. Point to point.  And since New Years resolutions bug the heck out of me... I decided to kick these lists of 'goals' or 'new things' on m 17th birthday. Which is just a day away.

     Maybe you will do the same? Join me in the unexpected, the silly, the planned and unplanned events to help you experience the world and find things out about yourself you would have never known one step at a time.

     To make you stronger. To make me stronger

     I am done waiting until I get 'Older' to do things that bring happiness to myself, and to others. So today I have decided that God gives opportunities to us for a reason, we just have to be there when He is ready to give them to us, and we need to be ready when He does. So whether you just really need to pick up and go hike a mountain, or just hug someone who really needs it, but least expects it. No excuses allowed it's time. Time that bucket list got made, and crossed out!

.

Free

Free.

Not controlled by obligation, or the will of another. Not imprisoned or enslaved. Like a plastic bag stuck in a tree. I am here in a place I shouldn’t.

Or so you think.

Like a bird in a cage. Looking out into the world it should be flying in. But I am 'safe'?

Holding me back would be the biggest mistake. Letting me be free in the world I may not 'belong' in is what I want. What I need. I can see how much people are upset by my leash going a little farther. Well I am here to tell those people it is not their life. It’s mine.

Free.

It is what I am about to do. Free myself from this cage of lies, the collar is off, the door is open. And I am running, running away only to go home. Home? The kind of place that more than half the world calls 'the bad part of town' it may seem too hard, or rough for this little girl that is just learning things for the first time. But this little girl is more than ready for that side of 'town' to be home. To be free. Why else would the feeling of happiness come from the thoughts of it?

Leaves are off the trees. Even the leaves have some freedom to expresses themselves in color, movement. And the birds are leaving me. Staying in one spot isn't an option for them, so why me?

The door is opened and I am taking a deep breath in and one foot is stepping into the raw lifestyle of the world. Colored by spray paint, tainted by the lost, and pieces of hope in every corner. So what if this place is 'unforgiving' and I am not 'strong enough' to hold my own.

For being young I do know this, I will NEVER have to 'hold my own' there is a man, bigger than any of those doubters, any of the towns that are 'bad' and all the locked cages. He is holding my hand, He is the one who gave me this drive to be free. He would never let me sit in a cage and watch all the hurting people go bye untouched by a smile.

Free. It is all I will ever ask.

And it is what I expect.

Born for this.

     My body was so sore. I had worked all day and then did inventory that night till about 2:30am. But I still went to church that morning to be with my kindergarten class, thinking I would go home and sleep for a few hours. Instead she told me that K was here and that turkey drop was going on today if I would want to help. BAM.

     Having a servants heart is not as easy as it seems. The moment I hear about an opportunity to help someone, or do something to better a situation I have to do it. Other wise I can't think of anything else. Even if I know I have a ton of school, or I have to work at my real job, or my body hurts, and I am pushing myself way over its limit. No sleep. No time to think. Yeah sure I'll stay and help.

     The turn out was crazy, I was so happy to see all these people wanting to help. That's another thing with having a servants heart. When other people get involved its like a kid in a candy store. My back is literally in so much pain holding back the tears was the easy part. Admitting I couldn't lift anymore turkeys, or carry the bags to the cars was the worst. Because I just could not help that person anymore.

     Delivering the turkeys we went to some of our kids houses. And for a spilt second, i think he really smiled when he saw me. "Miss Chloe?" he was playing a golf game on the tv. The house was dark. But the love I felt was greater than anything. His smile was more than enough for my sore body to keep going.

     Academy day. Thanksgiving dinner for the kids and their families, from all three sites. I walked in and three of my kids were already on the wall for getting in trouble. Yes, it was one of those days. Like you know I'm stressed so let me push you over the limit kind of day.

     "Breathe." She said.

     The laughs, hugs, smiles, and kisses were a reminder of why i do what I do. The "I got an A on my math homework" hug is reassuring me its not just some big play I'm in. This is real. it's isn't just having a servants heart anymore. this is me wanting to do everything in my power to see these kids make and reach their goals in life. That their dreams would become reality. And that they become leaders. So far i can see a little bit of this.

     The attitudes, the back talk, the tears, the fists thrown. It is still hard for me to deal with. but I am learning by experience what works and what doesn't. Someone told me today that I was born for this. Pause. Breathe. What? Dang. That out of anyone they knew it would be me to do this, be with kids, teach them, and grow with them. I may have to take a step back sometimes and breathe, or even cry. That's because these things they go through are  heavy. And my strength isn't up with their yet. But I am getting stronger. Strong enough.

     Pushed over the edge by K punching J and seeing him act the way he did upset me. And I had to pass it on to Pops. So when i heard my baby needed to take a "break" I said let me sit with him, we both need it. We sat there for what seemed like forever. We both got some breathing in. And under his muffled voice "I love you." seemed to come out.

     People ask me what gave me this servants heart. Or how can I keep up with all these kids. I ask myself the same thing every single day. That right there tells me EXACTLY why i do it, and what makes me love it so much. The fact that I can impact them in a good way to where they feel loved, and the ability to love back. It blows my mind. Just how close we have become to where one look and they know what it is I want them to do. Do they always do it? No! But we are getting there. And I love it.

     Maybe someday I will be able to handle the things that still make me a little upset. but for now I am OK with sitting in the hall taking a break and realizing just what it is that keeps me going. No matter how tired, or busy the reason I keep going back, and keep wanting people to see you have to go through some of the rough times to see the amazing. And that's just what I do.

Title

     I figure if we get a whole extra hour to 'sleep' I might as well try my hand at writing again.

I've been exposed to a lot lately. It's called the world. And believe it or not I don't like what I see.
Actually, I hate it. All I want to do is grab the world and shake it until it gets the memo of what the heck it's missing. Dad's that are never there. People killing themselves over judgement someone has no right of baring them with, kids who know the word CAN'T way to well, money being the center of their world, families being broken from abuse. I could go on and on but the point is we are broken.

I know I am not the only one seeing all of this pain, hurt, and loneliness going on in our own neighborhoods. Yeah. This isn't the 'hoods' problems only. This isn't the 'gays' problem. This is the WORLD'S problem. And I'm done sitting back and watching it all go down with the title I carry. Christian.

That title. That name wasn't given to me so I myself would be saved. "Hey I am a Christian and I am good to go..." No. Being a Christian means you signed up to be Gods image, kinda like a little mini Him. To do HIS work. Bring people to Him by LOVING them. ACCEPTING them. HELPING them. Treating them LIKE you would yourself. "What are you going to do about it?" I was asked not to long ago. And I said I wasn't sure. Now I know. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Even the days He gives us an 'extra' hour!

I have also seen the love, the joy, the happiness, and smiles. The outcome of doing the right thing. Most of the time its hard, and stretches your body and soul in ways you didn't think you could be stretched. The thing is that you did it. I have realized that taking a chance in messing up by doing something, instead of just sitting back and watching this world crumble is a heck of a lot better. I alone cannot cure this place of what sin has done to it. But every time I 'sprinkle by light' around people will see, feel, and want it.

With all I have seen, learned, and hurt for people. it is my time. My time to say yes to what my title is.

Graffiti

Her soul is covered in graffiti.
Her words are foreign to the ones around her,
searching for another one like her to hear.
She draws an open heart on her wrist to remember those she has let come and go.
Stealing bits and pieces of her heart never to look back.

Maybe some day that heart will close and their will be someone to share that beautifully colored soul?
And her words would be more than a crazy noise, but meaningful to someone.
Maybe she should tell someone all her dreams.   Why?
To have them shot down. Another piece torn away...
Draw another heart. Skip a few beats and finds her rhythm.
Her soul is covered in graffiti.

Wishing to be free of her chains. Freedom.
Wait?... Freedom.
He listens. He knows. Her heart is overflowing.
Happiness? Yes. Happiness.
The heart is filled. And ready to share all about her King.

Smiles. Laughs. Love. Acceptance.
She is not alone. No longer waiting for people to listen.
But wait. They don't care to understand?
Her heart snaps closed for them. Why?
Another piece gone.
Her soul is covered in graffiti.

Maybe some day that heart will close and their will be someone to share that beautifully colored soul?
And her words would be more than a crazy noise, but meaningful to someone.
Maybe she should tell someone all her dreams.   Why?
To have them shot down. Another piece torn away...
Draw another heart. Skip a few beats and finds her rhythm.
Her soul is covered in graffiti.

Words.

"....If I'm honest, I'm tired, hungry, I'm frustrated, all of the above..." Tedashii.

     Actions. Not words.

     "Can you do something for God without complaining please?"  I find myself saying this about alot of people. Someone always "Had to cancel their whole morning just to help set an event up." or "They really don't have any manors do they?"      Words.     All I hear are these words that annoy me. Do they glorify Him? Can you hear yourself right now? Go home and check mark your good deed for the day right? Makes me so mad.

 Am I any better? Who am I to think these things?

     Because as far as I go, I say I work for Him. I say I service Him. My complaints are about His people making an effort to help!  Wait a minute. I am judging Gods people because they were only human, a little weaker than hoped for the job. Or that their missing a child's soccer game... Words.  Maybe instead of wanting them to shut up, I should be the one to shut up.

                                   It is about the actions we do, not the words we speak.

     Any one could say they love to serve the Lord, and would do anything for Him... even if it means to shut up for a few hours!
     But until you actually See that from them.. it isn't anything.  Actions.  All this time I've had my own opinion, or say on things. Which is fine, but when I start talking more than I am doing. It is not how I should be conducting myself.
      So now these words are history. I'm starting a movement for myself where what I do for God is so much cooler than just what I could say. Its hard. Yes. But did God ever say living for Him was easy? Think about it.
    And once you or I begin to live a life of action, your words can start a beautiful thing. Encouage others in what they are doing! Dont start slacking again and rely on your words. Do and Say. I am ready to live by action. Are you?

               Actions. Not words.

Dear last day of summer...

 Heres to being tan,  sleeping in,  always having a little hand to hold,  pools,  extremely late night phone calls,  roasting marsh mellows,  watching a ton of movies,  practically forgetting how to use my brain in any academic manner whatsoever,  camps,  laughing my butt off,  crying because you had to say goodbye,  trips to D.C. and the O.C.  tagging a church,  mosquito bites that never end,  UK Pro game,  new friends,  and old friends,  worship I'll never forget, rap party at Icthuhs,  piggy back rides,  paddle boat leg cramps,  tucking little ones into bed,  one love... yahfreak,  looking up at the stars,  photography with a whole new perspective,  way to much orange leaf,  back to school rally,  baseball games, and sweet smiles.

 These are just a few of the memories I have from summer 2011!!! And tonight it comes a wonderful, but of course to soon, close. Only to open a new chapter in my life, its called.... UPPERCLASSMEN! ;D

  The excitement I have for this year is almost equal to the nerves! But no matter how nervous I start to get, i stop myself and repeat one of my favorite verses in the Bible Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Once I remember this, I am OK, because God knows what this year looks like for me. So no matter how worried I may get about how hard school may be. i need to trust God in that  I CAN do anything I set my mind to with His help!

 I still have a million and one things to share about my summer, which I'm sure I will do all year;) But I just wanted to start the school year off thanking God for what a wonderfull summer He blessed me with. All the people I was surrounded by, and the things I was able to take part in.

                                                          Goodbye Summer I loved you!

Camp Can I go.. again and again?!

HIGHLIGHTS AND MEMORIES OF CAMP CAN I GO!

 Alijah may have gotten in trouble all of the time, but when you took the time to listen, it was a beautiful thing.

Oh yeah and we went to Ichthus with some of my favorite people. Met Trip Lee. 'Started a Riot' with Tedashii, and sooo much more. I love them. Did I mention Lecrae was there? <3

Breakfast with Malipo and Benjamin every morning was such a great way to start the day. Lunch is a whole other story.. not many pictures from then haha!

"Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever." You have never experienced real praise and worship until 100 little voices are singing around you with such love and purity.

"White people hair is so tangly! You got any hair gel or somethin'? Ughh I will just have to spit in it.. thats what my mom does." Trinity trying to do my hair. hahah it is these moments I never forget :D 

One of my favorite pictures from the whole camp<3

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12.

Once again like I said before I could go on and on about my experiences with these fantastic children of God, and the wonderful leaders I got to share my love with. But I think its good to find out for yourself how much fun it can be.. so get out there and play, love, laugh, teach and be taught. Sing and dance for the Lord. Whatever it is; like I tell my kids, dont let anyone tell you, you cant.

                                                                                          Chloe

Camp Can I Go

                                                   CAMP CAN - I - GO PART I.
                                       
                                        "You wanna hang with some kids tomorrow?"
                                                              
                                                                "Yeah?"

       Such a simple conversation, but what happened after that was one of the greatest things in my life.

Upon arriving to Broadway Christian Church downtown me and my sister Olivia sat at a table with some boys while they had breakfast. Learned their names (Benjamin and Malipo, brothers who were very nervous about kindergarten). We did this with a few different tables before it was time for large group. Still having no idea what we were going to do, we just sat with some old and new faces and waited.

Kayla and Marcus called group after group, all the leaders and familiar faces were going to small groups. To be honest I was nervous. "Chloe and Olivia" she called. We walked up and they handed us name tags and a few papers. Purple 1-2 would be our group. 1st and 2nd graders. I will never forget our diverse, beautiful, amazing group. Joshua, Brayden, Elijah, Jeremiah, JJ, David, and Rene.  Since it was the first day for us it was pretty crazy, so instead of freaking out over if we had all the supplies and when we go where we just... played:D and took a TON of pictures! Before I knew it they stole my heart and ran with it.

Josh and I were inseperable<3 He was the oldest and the leader of the group. So grown up for his age, having to be the adult alot of times...I told him I loved him 100 times a day hugging and gave him a kiss on the head when he would let me, but he never said it back. I didn't expect him too, but on the last day I said "I love you brother." And in the sweetest voice "I love you too Miss Chloe." I had to go to the bathroom and cry a little.

"Mrster. Brayden" as he would write was the baby of the group. Always needed to be carried, had the giggle of an angel. And had a word of the day whether it be "Pink.Pink.Pink.Pink" or "Tall!Tall!Tall!" However, he did have an almost schedualed melt down a few times a day. It took awhile to get him under control, but between Charles, Olivia, and Myself we found out why he did this and how to help him get calmed down. Being such the 'baby' he was all the older kids wanted to hold his hand or carry him around, which of course he loved. He became quite the popular one at Can I Go.

JJ. Ohh JJ! She was the dramatic one, and our only girl for that matter..! She was just as, maybe even tougher than the boys in Purple 1-2. She cracked us up, and liked to test our patience alot of times. She took to Brayden like he was her little brother. I found her crying in a corner one day and I was asking her what happend. After getting a tissue and just taking a breather she finally told me her boyfriend broke up with her last night?! Yeah... she a new one by the next day apparently. Thats my JJ!

"Hello my name is Rene!" was the greeting we got from this loopy little kid. His favorite colors were purple and pink. And he made sure you knew it, along with sparkles. He asked Olivia every day 'Can I be in your group?" and she would just laugh and say "Rene you ARE in my group!" He was in love with Charles aka Charlie. Asked to go to the water fountian like it was going to run out or something! I love him and is out of the box ways. And to think we thought YOU would be the quiet one... not.

David was the shy quite one, and when he did speak I couldn't understand a word he said! But he was so polite, and loved to help. He told Olivia stories all the time when he did come. Such a sweetie. He also liked to read he told me:)

Jeremiah was straight up a country boy. Played baseball, was covered in poison ivy the whole week and was such a worrier. Raising his hand every second with a story that no relavance to the subject. And was just an absolute gentelman already.

Last but not least Elijah. "Anger problems" is what we were told but some laides when you acted out. But really you were just lonely and sad. I saw you in your worst of days, and your better ones. I know how nice and caring you can be, but so many people have already looked down on you, and thats why you are that way. So I challenged you to be the nicest version of yourself one day becasue we KNEW you were a great kid. Thats all it took. And I am so proud of him.

Those kids taught me so many things in 4 short days. But in those days I bonded with not only those 7, but tons more, and I could go on and on about differnt things they did that just make me smile even still to this day. And what if I would have been selfish the day Marcus asked if I wanted to hang out with kids? What if I said no I'm going to the pool, or wow I have to be at your house at 7? Mmm.. not so much. I would have missed out on THE greatest experience ever.

      ...to be contiued.

"Live, Laugh, Love"

You know that saying "Live, Laugh, Love." Thousands of people have around their homes, post it on their face book, or that you wipe your dirty shoes on it as a welcome mat? I took that to heart this summer.
  
 I lived among people with different lives as my own, and truly excepted myself as Gods masterpiece because of My Savior, and those wonderful people who went out of their way to tell me how special I am to to them. To Him.

 Laugh? Do I even need to explain how much laughter I was surrounded by? Sweet music of kids being tickled, or doing a silly dance move, telling stories with new friends. So much joy. Yes, I definitely laughed this summer.

 And the last one in that oh so famous quote is Love. Such a powerful thing. A special thing. And this is why I decided to make this blog. To express, relive, and hopefully touch some with the Love I have experienced by "my kids" and Jesus Christ. Cause I am not about to keep all these stories to myself!

I read a quote the other day that I love and I feel like this is a great time to share it with this new time in my life, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the things you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch some trade winds in your sails! Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain.

I hope you enjoy this little adventure I am on as much as I do:)