I was doing so well before the crash -
the converging of truth and memory -
the colliding of recycled heartache and the never ending taste of forward thinking -
I'm not the type of person to remember a date on a calendar and the events that took place.
Instead, I remember seasons, broad feelings, I can picture the importance of a memory as if it were another person sitting at the dinner table... but never just a significant date. From year to year I can recall the season I was in, and then look at the present time to identify the changes, or stagnant waters, within my own soul.
Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, Spiritually.
I am almost always met with warmth, joy, sunlight, and in very Chloe fashion, "started from the bottom" plays softly in the background of those thoughts. Only on occasion do I feel cold when I look back to past seasons. Rarely do I feel like I moved backward or just sideways.
But like I said, I was doing so well before the crash.
01/?/18
Resistant.
Reluctant.
Fog.
Melancholy.
Anxiety.
Perhaps if I would have worn a different dress, read more books, talked less about rap or food deserts, maybe if I would have saved money, planned this more in advance, made more lists, cared less of what everyone thought.
Here I am.
Reading Strategic Plans, contemplating what turn I made way back when.
Breathing in and out to a forgotten rhythm that reminds me of that way back when.
Today I woke up with swollen and hazy eyes.
Passing the same corner day after day, even years later, still stings.
Reminds me of my humanness.
I can feel what I felt then, now.
Combine it with what I feel now, and the impatience is strong.
I know what this week is in another city.
And the darkness tells me it's shameful to long for one place, when the prayer I prayed for years, is finally tangible in front of me.
Reminds me of my selfishness.
Managing to acquire frequent flyer miles, all across the globe, without leaving my parents house.
I said above I was doing well before the crash -
I'm not sure what I meant by well, but I do know this ship didn't pack a single life preserver, or rescue boat. It's just me and my doubts out at sea... and we know how that went for those dudes in the Bible.
I have been caught between the greatest miracle of my lifetime and absolute human sin.
Isn't that how it goes?
At this time, people older than me explain how to handle life differently than them.
People my age fake it till they make it... whatever "it" is.
And all the sweet but sour ones, younger than me, remind me that both being prepared and having the time of my life is crucial.
There is no white flag here.
No goals set. Yet.
No crazy, dark espresso epiphany, hiding in the depth of an old theology book.
This. This is just another day on the calendar I won't ever pick out of a lineup of important dates.
But I promise you, I will remember how this season felt.
