process

I haven't been able to process anything that's happened in the last two weeks.
Actually, the whole summer really. 

Haven't had the time, and to be honest, 

I've been afraid to. 

I had a break down in my parents laundry room on Sunday.

Everyone tried talking, listening, and some knew to just wait it out.

Dad busted in wanting to know what was wrong with his daughter,

Mom had to deal with the rambles,

Olivia got the ugly cry,

Michael was there for the recovery.

Almost a week later and I'm still sifting through my heart over it all.

Maybe one day I will be able to understand,

 what it is to love like they love me.

Family always seems to be my anchor,

even after we've been separated by storms for so long. 

My last day at EYF.
It was a beautiful day.
I cried with Rachel as we sat and reflected for a few minutes,
 once the babies were all gone.
Thankful for similar hearts.

Sometimes kids have to stop coming to program.
Sometimes kids have to leave their homes,
even when they don't want to.
And sometimes the only answer is prayer.
Actually, always... it's always the answer.

The wind couldn't have come at a better time,
even though I do miss sunshine.

Tomorrow
 I'm going to sleep,
walk around my city without shoes,
and process.

hour glass love

Six weeks.

It took less than six short weeks for me to fall in love with them. 

Way less actually.

Now there are less than two weeks left.

Two weeks.

I feel so full, yet so empty at the same time.

Being away from my 2nd family for so long during the school year, and then not going back to them at the beginning of May was one of the hardest choices I had to make.

But it was a decision I had to make.

Two weeks from now I'll be headed back to the bluegrass for what I like to call "family vaca" which is code word for taking a bunch of city kids to Eastern Kentucky and making a lot of memories.

It will end too fast.

I will have to pack up, again, and head back to Knoxville, too soon. And start my third year of college, away from them.

Micah Man joked the other day while he was down here for the 4th of July that I missed all of 2nd and 3rd grade for him... he was right. I'll miss 4th and 5th grade too.

Then middle school will be here and I'll wonder how.

I did not get to see my Bolivian family this summer either.

Pictures and texts sent while others went without me, made me so happy and very sad.

I couldn't feel the sandy roads, or hear beautiful Spanish speaking voices sing to our Father. I couldn't hurt myself on yet another hazardous slide everyone dares me to go on.

I do not know where my baby sisters are who got up and left one day with someone they probably shouldn't have.

I am praying for those kids, the churches, the Beams, and that country.

 Despite the distance and time apart, I am forever bound in Bolivia. 

This summer I sacrificed time with other family members, but gained another family.

I don't regret it one bit.

These kids have provided me with their own challenges, heartbreaking stories, laughter till we cry, and memories I'll keep forever.

I can only imagine the feelings I'll have once these two weeks are up, and the summer I spent every day with them is over.

I think this was the summer I needed to realize that I have the type of heart that finds people to love everywhere.

Across the globe. Across the street. 

There will always be kids I call family somewhere else, and people that are cheering me on hours and hours away. I can't be in two different states at once, and I can't fly out of the country every other week to hug the babies an ocean away.

That's why I'm thankful for Him. Because I know He has surrounded all those little ones I love, while I'm not there, to give hugs, or applaud them after winning a school bee, or make a wining shot.

That's why I am thankful for social media and technology to keep me updated on the things I am missing. Whether it's losing a tooth, having a baby, or just seeing their faces.

Sometimes I am distracted by the grains of sand spilling out in the hour glass of time I have for each place I land.

This summer is proof that even though I can't do everything I think I need to do, He provides what I need to do at the current time in order to grow.

That sand reminds me to lover harder, feel deeper, and take every moment in like it's the last.