Not All Silence is Quiet

Sometimes the weight of silence is more comforting to me than all the trumpets as horns that heavens got. Yeah I love a good praise break, but when it comes to me and God, silence seems to be the one word description of our relationship. 

 

"Would you just listen to me!" He says. People make God out to be this super patient old man in a rocking chair just waiting for us to hear his voice. Let me tell you something. My Gods got a little bit of a temper! 

 

He doesn't yell at me though... Remember, silence is the key word here. But it's kind of like the silent treatment you'd give to your little sister when you were young. Like "until you realize what you did you don't get the privilege of talking to me" type stuff. God gets frustrated with me cause I know Him and still choose to avoid His word. 

There have been times when I finally break past the walls and barriers of noise and distraction and just sit. Which is hard cause I love the city, I love people and fellowship. I like to dance and listen to rap music way too loud. 

 

God can be found in those things, I'm not saying he can't. But I've made those things average. normal. they are not unique and I don't do them for The Lord too often. So if my God isn't average, why do I expect him to show up in my average actions? Mmm.... 

 

Now you know why He stays in the silent mode. I need to struggle with being uncomfortable for Him. To do things with him at the forefront of my mind, not somewhere deep in the dusty corner next to all my favorite Hunger Games quotes (which are coming back around more since Catching Fire comes out Nov. 22!!) ... But that's beside the point.
                                                                                                                                                           

I saw a quote the other day that said "Silence is the best response to a fool." Ouch. God knows I need help. Literally. I need Him to hold my hand through everything. Cause the moment I walk out on my own, putting my fingers in my ears, "I GOT THIS" I hear myself trying to convince the both of us... Yeah. Fool is right.

 

Our relationship is pretty hilarious. Like best friends we are competitive (I lose every time but his win is my win thank goodness!) sharing secrets during late night conversations, and there for each other no matter what. But I am really bad at this one cause I'm human and well ya know... he's GOD. I tend to roll my eyes when he nudges me, "yeah right." Often times he gets quiet because if he didn't he would just laugh... a lot. So I'm thankful for that.

 

I used to hate the silence, you could ask anyone, it drove me crazy. The feeling of not being wanted, ignored, or unable to hear the voice of God like I did a few times as a child really bothered me. Since the summer I've learned how important and valuable those small intimate moments with him are. He is screaming my name in reality. But the noise of  pure silence is louder to me than the bass in pops truck. Dang right?!

So here's to sipping my coffee a little longer in the mornings. Leaning in and really listening to what He has to tell me on these windy fall days. Writing down what gave me goose bumps that day, and what broke my heart. Spending more time immersed in his creation focused solely on him. And smiling more. Cause hey smiling just makes life better for everyone!
 

There is a Challenge in the Newness

There are a lot of things that scare me.

Actually... I thought a lot of things scared me.

Like newness.

I found out this past week I'm not scared of a lot of things. I just wasn't ready to open myself up to the newness of things. To even allot the experiences was unheard of in my own mind, therefore I 'feared' what was unknown or foreign to me. 

I thought I was afraid of what would happen after college when he told me I should get my masters in SW or Counseling. 

The idea has manifested itself deep within my head and my heart. Incubating itself because there's time to sleep on it and work it out in time.

I thought leaving my church in Lexington would be the end for me. That I would literally never find a place as real, loving, or outward focused as Crossroads. Over 10 years of my life... I wasn't afraid of not being accepted somewhere new. I was afraid to like another church. Which is silly. I've learned that I am the church and the building I sit in on Sunday mornings doesn't change that. 

Grace & Peace 

My RA and future roommate took me to her church. A home church that has in fact outgrown their home! Still growing and in it's beginning stages this group of people is not like any congregation I've ever been a part of. They are as close as family and do life together in every sense of the way. 

Coffee & Jesus

In case there is an issue in need of resolution with your neighbor, etc. There is time made for that. And if it doesn't apply to you - coffee. The fellowship is breathtaking. We eat meals together, worship, pray, set up and break down, do the fishers after the meal. Everyone is completely involved with the "production" and it's such a visual of how the body should be. 

I thought I was afraid to commit to a new church. I was under the impression children's ministry was out on hold while I was in college. Sunday I put my name down for 'child care' and their emailing list. 

For once I'm allowing myself to not be afraid. And I'm excited. 

There are a lot of quiet moments filled with the aroma of coffee I could have made better and the voice of my Savior saying "You're doing just fine." That's how I know. 

Friends, Fire, Cooking & Conversation

I tend to be a people pleaser... At least with things I care too much about. Now that I'm in college I've found there aren't that many people I care to please... #honestmoment 

I'd rather just do me and keep it going. However there are people oh get under my skin just enough to make me believe I should impress or prove something to them. Don't do that. It's not fun. 

I thought I was afraid to branch out. Afraid to say no or to have fun doing things that were out of the normal status quo. And maybe for some it wasn't as wonderful as I feel it was... But I don't hold onto that anymore. 

Praise Break! 

Symbols & Signs

The title of one of my favorite songs off the new Beautiful Eulogy album talks about the significance we put into the falling of a leaf or the way the wind blows. Now you know why it's one of my favorites. 

It's fall. The general populations favorite season. And I hate to admit it but the flannel, coffee cups, colors, and them mountains I can't stop staring at caught me and won't let go! 

Things like fire alarms at 3am, double rainbows at a friends soccer game, or rusty basketball goals on a hill calling your name. Those things have some sort of significance in my heart. And I'm thankful he likes to show up in those simple things. 

Etc.

 

I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes I get lonely despite how much I rebuke the very thought in fear I will seem as weak as they want me to be. I wish your presence was more tangible. Oh wait.

 

I am not afraid to give it all up, after all, none of it is mine to keep.

 

I was afraid to be honest with you, and myself. As silly as it is. The constant battle to communicate the real... broken poems of my heart. I will not be afraid. I will fight.

 

November has become a month of comfort and routine to many. To me it is full of newness and uncomfortable situations. The fear is gone. Bring it.