the year I will never forget

I woke up with all the air I could fill in in my lungs

only to let it all out with one very long sigh

twenty-one is over today

and I am trying to convince myself to focus on the mountain of homework I have instead of getting emotional like I always do this time of year

it's not working very well 

year twenty-one was one of those years you can't forget

no matter how hard you try

this was the year I mourned the most

and loved the hardest

this was the year I raised my first in the air 

for something bigger than myself

I learned how to use my voice as a 

megaphone

bridge

whisper 

twenty-one had 

baptisms & weddings & deaths

graduations 

lots of coffee  

a major title shift at work that gave me 

my family of high schoolers

being snowed in on a mountain with that family

the honor to help lead a student organization on campus for social unity

basketball & football & volleyball 

games cheering on my kids

celebrating an 18th birthday that will forever be my favorite birthday

breaking ground on the Woodhill community center 

sunshine

city adventures 

our beautiful Bella Sky Rose being born

serve the city meets the EYF fam

moving to the West Coast

making life long friends & family

sand & salt water

graffiti & tacos 

Mexico

life on the street

sunsets & being a momma for a couple weeks 

the boy

unexpected life lessons through suburban kids 

hundreds of hours in urban ministry 

a new home on the east side

see you later's in NYC & NJ

senior year

being a neighbor 

hope fellowship

and of course capstone 

twenty-two will look nothing like twenty-one for a lot of reasons

that's ok

I am thankful for what it was & the work it did on my heart

I left it tired but hopeful

answers in the sidewalk

Today I walked around my city.

I walked out of a meeting I got told to stop running from my calling.

And I just started walking.

I walked till I got a blister from my flats.

This is why I don't wear flats.

I made the phone call I always make in these situations, 

only to be told the thing I always get told in these situations.

Deep breath.

I hate accountability when it's someone keeping me accountable.

Sure, I keep my kids accountable, my roommate, sister, and some friends when they ask me to.

When it's me?

I'd rather just be forgotten.

I wish someone else would step up or feel the same calling within their spirit and that way I wouldn't have to play this out myself.

I walked over the cracked sidewalk.

I squinted my eyes when the sun started to peak through the tall buildings filled with important business people. 

I smiled to the man asking for money against the wall and told him he reminded me of an angel I met in San Diego.

My mind was both racing and at peace all at the same time.

The "to-do" list is way too long, but for some reason, it's okay.

The "to-do" list doesn't go away... not for me. 

The contents will not stay the same, but there will always be work to do. 

There will always be someone holding me accountable.

Thank God.

I will always find my answers in the sidewalks.

Whether I want it or not.

And now it is time to look at that "to-do" list and call out what makes priority.

What lasts.

What holds power and importance.

What things are simply out of my control.

This won't be the last time I consult the cities sidewalk to work things out in my mind and heart.

But now to hold myself accountable.

And put the running shoes up.