It’s crazy how nostalgia will knock the wind out of you, bring you special memories and remind you what once was - all at the same time. A song, a smell, a photo.
I woke up sad today. Not for any particular reason… or so I thought. But it was just sort of there. And I was thinking of how these days, more often than not, I wake up sad… or go to sleep sad. It’s odd. And frustrating. Because I can pinpoint the exact moment joy was taken from me. And every single time since then. Like giant pieces of me leaving one by one.
I’ve done the therapy thing. The tracking moods. The medicine. The routine. The self harm. The isolation. The avoidance. The prayer. The trying really hard to be good. I’ve even repeated “it’s just a bad day, not a bad life” cause someone said that to me once and I actually hated it but why not give it a shot?
Being born a child of the sun means the transition to life with the moon is less than settled. Not bad by any means. Just something to navigate. I’ve been made out to believe one is more valuable, more welcoming. I don’t see that being fair. We need both. I am both. Sun and mood. Light and dark.
Why bring all of this weird stuff up? Well. It’s been laying dormant inside for a long time. And much like it always does, shook up with the first feeling of life before.
I avoid writing because I don’t know how to tell the story well anymore. Even though I was young and joyful back then, I still told the truth in a special way. Now, I fear I would come across like a cloud with no rain or riptide disguised as a peaceful wave. It’s unsavory and less than entertaining. I used to love this outlet. I fumbled and laughed and cried and was so willing to tell about it all. This space was a very public journal. Now the idea of being seen or known fully feels only nostalgic.
People told me a long time ago, happiness will come and go, but joy is something they can’t take from me. Those people were wrong. And I’d be lying to you, I have been lying to you, and myself, that I still had it. But to be absolutely genuine, cause that’s me. I’ve had happy moments, happy days, even a happy season or two since the last memory. They’ve been so beautiful and special. I’m thankful for them. But they will never match the joy I had once. And I think, as hard as that is to know for sure. I’ll be okay despite.
I think acceptance of that reality is what I’ve needed for a long time. And now I can just settle in being the sun and the moon instead of just one or the other. I can be sad and happy. Light and dark. No need to mourn or fight for that joy anymore. Because nostalgia, like it did today, will throw me back when I need it most.
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