Nostalgia: It’s OK

It’s crazy how nostalgia will knock the wind out of you, bring you special memories and remind you what once was - all at the same time. A song, a smell, a photo.

I woke up sad today. Not for any particular reason… or so I thought. But it was just sort of there. And I was thinking of how these days, more often than not, I wake up sad… or go to sleep sad. It’s odd. And frustrating. Because I can pinpoint the exact moment joy was taken from me. And every single time since then. Like giant pieces of me leaving one by one. 

I’ve done the therapy thing. The tracking moods. The medicine. The routine. The self harm. The isolation. The avoidance. The prayer. The trying really hard to be good. I’ve even repeated “it’s just a bad day, not a bad life” cause someone said that to me once and I actually hated it but why not give it a shot? 

Being born a child of the sun means the transition to life with the moon is less than settled. Not bad by any means. Just something to navigate. I’ve been made out to believe one is more valuable, more welcoming. I don’t see that being fair. We need both. I am both. Sun and mood. Light and dark. 

Why bring all of this weird stuff up? Well. It’s been laying dormant inside for a long time. And much like it always does, shook up with the first feeling of life before. 

I avoid writing because I don’t know how to tell the story well anymore. Even though I was young and joyful back then, I still told the truth in a special way. Now, I fear I would come across like a cloud with no rain or riptide disguised as a peaceful wave. It’s unsavory and less than entertaining. I used to love this outlet. I fumbled and laughed and cried and was so willing to tell about it all. This space was a very public journal. Now the idea of being seen or known fully feels only nostalgic. 

People told me a long time ago, happiness will come and go, but joy is something they can’t take from me. Those people were wrong. And I’d be lying to you, I have been lying to you, and myself, that I still had it. But to be absolutely genuine, cause that’s me. I’ve had happy moments, happy days, even a happy season or two since the last memory. They’ve been so beautiful and special. I’m thankful for them. But they will never match the joy I had once. And I think, as hard as that is to know for sure. I’ll be okay despite. 

I think acceptance of that reality is what I’ve needed for a long time. And now I can just settle in being the sun and the moon instead of just one or the other. I can be sad and happy. Light and dark. No need to mourn or fight for that joy anymore. Because nostalgia, like it did today, will throw me back when I need it most. 

6 Years

 6 years. 

That’s how long I’ve convinced the big wigs to pay me to live my dream. Kidding. Well. You know. 

Today officially marks 6 years as a full time staff member for Urban Impact. I won’t even go into how many years it’s been since I started in non profit & urban ministry. That’s a story for another day! 

In that time I’ve helped open a community center, run a high school program, summer camps, back to school rallies, sports leagues… I’ve attended community meetings, advisory councils, youth summits, conferences, graduations. Started a violence prevention program… Hell my kids started having kids! 

There have been really hard seasons sprinkled with good days, and really good seasons sprinkled with hard days. 

When I started here, I never wanted my kids to see me weak. But I’ve learned that in order to be strong, I have to tell the truth. I can show cracks and tears and still have joy. 

We are a family. We are neighbors. We are a village. In the deepest of valleys and the highest mountains. 

It’s easy for us to say “back in the good old days” or wish for a better future… but I want to take today to be in the moment and just be thankful. Be proud. Be honored. Recognize the blessing I have to wake up daily and do what I love. I’ll never say it’s easy.. because I need strength from Him more often than not. But I will say I wouldn’t dare let anyone take it from me. 

I’m not sure what the next 6 years hold for me, let alone the next 6 months! But I pray it’s exactly what the Lord wants.

Thanks to all the folks who rock with me daily. The folks that got me here. The folks that played a role in the background. And even the ones who didn’t think I was cut out for it. 

Home: Incomplete and All

Life’s been a whirlwind since I can remember. But April has this way of bringing me back to reality with sunshine and dates on calendars that feel big. 

I’ve avoided this space (my basement… my thoughts…) for a long time because of construction… more recently because it feels “incomplete.” But if we’re all honest with ourselves… what is “complete” around us? If it’s not one house project it’s another. And the yard. And the dishes. And the work stuff. And the health / well being appointments if you’re responsible enough… what I’m getting at is… I’ve not sat in my favorite chair, in my home, even though I could have, for months. 

I should also mention I unpacked moving boxes last weekend and I’ve been here for almost 2 years now. For those of you who don’t know me well, might not know I’ve moved every year for the last 9 years. Some times twice in a year. And before that I lived in countless places as a child. There’s even been times where I thought I’d live somewhere and days before I moved, it fell through. So feeling like I get to “stay” isn’t really my thing. I haven’t hung any pictures. Haven’t painted. Probably because I’m not in full belief this is my home, home.  

But tonight. I wasn’t feeling the best and my upstairs is hotter than the devils toenails (because I love having my windows open & wont turn the A/C on just like I won’t turn on the heat. Sorry… it’s my house.) I thought to come down here. And deal with my thoughts and this sacred space. Incomplete and all. And would you believe it if I said I got emotional!? Over a chair and cool air and drywall and furniture given to me by people I love. 

It’s incomplete. All of it. Even me. But that’s honestly pretty cool. To be molded, painted new colors, and given the ability to dream and imagine what’s to come. 

Take this as an open invitation to come sit, laugh, cry, play, rest, live and be loved. In the place I can say is my home, home. 

Lean In

We recently shared the story of how he threw his shoes out my car window because I made him buckle up. I would run out and grab them, he would unbuckle. I would bring them back, buckle him up, and he would throw them again. I'm not proud to say this... but I left those shoes on the side of the road and carried him home. This was the moment we both learned what it was with us. 

Blood. Sweat. Tears. I didn't care if he threw a fit. I was gonna lean in every time. 

If you know either of us at all, you know both of us are very stubborn, easily made angry, and we care for our people so much it hurts us. We get ourselves in trouble but usually always have a deep rooted cause.

He has been famous since day one. Baby J was a household name in Woodhill. 

I've worked with a lot of kids over the years. But there's only one crew that gets the title "OG" around here. Thanks to his big cousin, he would join that group and become the youngest OG. He was part of the crew that taught me all that I know. He was part of the crew that watched me grow up right alongside them. He was the kid that saw me laugh, cry, yell, whisper, run to keep up, or lay down in exhaustion... we learned how to apologize and own our shit around the same time... still a work in progress! We sat in so many hallways with our fists tight when we didn't get our way. The bad days are bad. The good days are good. We still give folks the benefit of the doubt. 

I am beyond proud of this young man. When he asked if we would walk with him for 8th grade night I got real emotional because so many times in life people acted like that moment wouldn't happen. But I knew. 

Blood. Sweat. Tears. I'm gonna lean in every time. 

#welcomehomewoodhill

If you've known me for longer than 5 minutes you probably know where and who I consider, "home."

Home... like a good friend I look up to shared a couple weeks ago... is where our people are. It's where we find rest. It is also where we get really passionate about things not being how they should be. It is a place where you are intentional. My home just happens to be Woodhill. 

Don't get me wrong... I love Lexington as a whole. I love San Diego, Santa Cruz, Harlem, Jackson, Knoxville, Boca, D.C. etc. I have a little image of home in each of those places. But Woodhill has always been where my people are, and where a little girl dreamed of having a home with a basement and a yard where kids and families can just be. 

Fast forward to the year 2021... with a lot of prayer, patience, (some impatience too) and a very out of the norm blessing in disguise... that little girls dream of a house in Woodhill, with a basement and backyard has become a reality!  

Yes. I bought my first house! It just so happens to be my mentors current house... and they haven't been able to move into their new home yet... so really it seems right on par for how our lives typically go. We dream real big and then we gotta wait for the rest of the world to catch up with us!

But now it's really really close... like I just looked at paint colors and we moved the kitchen table over to their new spot (just down the road). So while we inch closer and closer to this new reality. Please keep on praying over the transition, the countless memories that have and will be made, that neighbors continue to feel more like family than strangers... and that I somehow magically learn how to manage an entire house like a real adult...sheesh. 

No, but on a serious note... this is all God. And if you wanna know just how good the Creator is, use this wild ride as an example! This last little bit of life has felt like a never ending pit of darkness... so when I remind myself of the promises the Lord has kept, and that the homie hasn't forgotten me or my people... I am extremely grateful. 

So, if you've made it this far on the journey with me, you're awesome. I'll cry forever over this one... but just know when the time comes and its safe for us to have the biggest housewarming party known to humankind. It will absolutely be happening! 

In the meantime, if you feel compelled to help me furnish this epic blessing with cute and functional things... you can find my registry's below. 

https://www.target.com/gift-registry/gift/welcomehomewoodhill 

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/396AW3KMDS0FG?ref_=wl_share

#welcomehomewoodhill

365 Days Later

I looked up the definition of survivors guilt… 

“Survivors guilt is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic or tragic event when others did not, often feeling self-guilt.

A variant form has been found among rescue and emergency services personnel who blame themselves for doing too little to help those in danger, and among therapists, who may feel a form of guilt in the face of their patients' suffering.”

///

I remember watching him pick at the skin peeling off his very fresh tattoo... while several adults talked about next steps... "my brothers keeper" in big block letters across his forearm. The name of that brother woven within the sentence. Up to that point he hadn't looked up at us. Head bowed, eyes blank. But when I took his arm to examine the ink and commented on how "he would love this." I got a nod of approval. 

No one prepared us for the guilt and shame we have.

No one prepared us for this hardness inside our souls. 

No one prepared them to watch their best friend die. 

///

All we can manage to do some days is... Asking the same questions. Praying the same prayers. Crying and screaming for help but nothing has changed. And yet everything has changed. 

I am tired of believing the lie that my job is to go to funerals and vigils instead of graduations. 

///

365 days later. 

365 days after I reached out for him. 

365 days after blood spilled & our community wouldn’t ever be the same again. 

365 days our hearts have longed for change. 

I hope no one ever has to experience a young person's face being revealed as they are turned over in the grass. I’ve prayed for the nightmares to stop. For the images of violence to be removed. That memories of him laughing and playing ball and hanging out in the front yard would take over my mind. 

365 days later and the total number of young people lost to gun violence in Lexington, Knoxville, Louisville, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, etc. has doubled its usual average. 

Day after day after day. 

We hear of another child killed.

Eventually you start believing lies. 

You believe things like you could have done more. It should have been you. What if this or that would have happened instead. 

The guilt takes over. The lack of hope feels heavy. And like I wrote 365 days ago, the sadness creeps in without your permission. And if I knew then what I know now... I would have told myself to let go. To release those lies. To grieve and heal and not to become numb like I am today. To breathe in and out and pray for the strength I still haven’t been able to muster on my own.

There isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t think of or pray for my kids. I think of how so many lives changed that day. I think how we are so far from where we need to be. And other times I recognize how far we've come. 

I had dread about this day on the calendar… Like once I turn the page something horrible would happen. But the reality is. Horrible things have happened and beautiful things have happened nearly all 365 days since we lost Donya. 

What is important is will I sit in a pit of hopelessness or will I fight to stand tall another day? Will I work hard to make sure this trauma can’t happen again? Will I let go of the things I feel I need to be in control of and just let God be God? Or will I believe lies that cripple me from being who I was meant to be? 

This year has been so many people feeling guilt, shame, sadness and anger. I hope we can lay those things down and know that's not what God wants for us. And it's not what our boy would want. There will be joy for us yet.

Grandparents Are In A Class All On Their Own

Grandparents are in a class all on their own. 

They are almost always wiser than our parents. They tend to be sweet first, and heavy handed later. For some they are more like parents to their grandkids. For others, maybe they never got to experience a true relationship with them. 

Some live in our homes, or right down the road. Others, out of state or even further than that. 

Adoptive grandparents can become someones saving grace. A place they eat some good food and feel peace. Oftentimes listening to wisdom they didn't know they needed to rejoin their biological family. 

Grandparents have lived lives we can't even imagine ourselves. From their childhood, to their victories and failures... maybe a black and white image or story told around the table is what connects us to them. 

Some are much younger grandparents and they are alive to see great grandkids etc. Others may have a trauma or difficult past that keeps them apart. 

Grandparents are the ones who will slip you a dollar behind your parents back or rat you out in a heartbeat if they don't like what they see! Easily our role models, prayer warriors, and "come and sit down next to me" kinda relationships.

I was blessed with a mix of it all. Stories I am still learning and listening to. Memories of lives I never knew, and some I have the honor to know now. 

Grandparents invoke faith. They encourage purpose. They whisper wisdom into our minds and hearts from a young age in hopes we will one day believe it in ourselves. 

Today I looked down at my phone in disbelief. My Grandma, our Grandma Martin, had left this world. 

We swore she would outlive us. That she would keep sharing stories of friends and family forever. That nothing this world threw her way could ever slow her down. 

She was blunt and kind and loved God more than anything. She was the tiniest ball of sweet and sassy.

As broken and in shock as I am, I have peace... because I know she had it her entire life. Until the very end, she didn't fear pain or death. Only the absence of God. 

Her little giggle. Her smile. Her willingness to love a stranger and a relative the same. I can only hope to carry those traits in a similar way. 

I will deal with the heaviness, the grief that comes with loss and many things out of our control. I'm sure I will feel and have much more to say in the future... 

But for now I want to recognize the joy she was to me and so many she came in contact with over the years. How she can finally ask God the questions she's wanted to for so long. To be reunited with my Grandpa, her siblings and parents in Heaven. 

Rest In Peace