Current Battle

You would think going into my third year of Bible school I would have learned to pick up my Bible first instead of my phone.

You would think after being baptized I would find it only logical to pray and listen to what my savior had to say about something, not humans.  

My trained ability to apply self - help and joy seeking life motto's has sort of pushed out the thought of a book with more questions and answers than I could ever come up on my own. 

Oh well right? Nope. I don't get off that easy. I know better. I know better because I did do something right in the biblical sense. I surrounded myself with people that push me, challenge me, lift me up in prayer when I cannot, lead me in the way Christ would want me if I was flipping smart enough to understand and act upon. These people come in all ages, professions, and locations. I seek their council. But sometimes I shouldn't. 

And that is the current battle. 

Knowing when and who to communicate with, and have I actually given myself and God the time to wrestle with it any time before? I know this is my current battle because more than once, in recent, has it been revealed to me that I need to sit down and deal with this. I do not talk about my own faith enough - because I find it very similar to wet cement. The very substance that can be hardened and solidified with such reinforcement and strength - has such an unfortunate weakness. When wet, it can be moved, molded, and imprinted with anything someone wants to decorate it with... Even the experts.

I know what I have been told to believe my whole life - with some terrible theology to back it up. And I know what I have been taught now in college with some pretty good theology. 

My entire being moves for Him. Yet, that book hasn't led me the way I should let it. I have my moments. When the Spirit consumes me and I physically cannot get up off the ground till I give in to what it wants me to do - or not do. Not in a weird demonic way - cause it is the Spirit - but more in a burning sort of way. 

I want to breathe Him in, in the morning. I want to hold His hand throughout the day and greet all I meet along the way with Him. I want to fall asleep knowing He is there. I want to love with Him. I may never know the scriptures like my professors, the Pharisees, or Jesus himself. I do want to know them. Have them become my DNA. I have learned skills for discernment, contextualizing, application etc. Now all I need to do is sit my d*** self down to read and read and read. And know what they meant years ago, and know what they tell us now. 

Recently I have taken my own path "laced in His workings." God doesn't deserve laced. He deserves the whole freaking thing. 

So, I head into summer 2015, apartment living, junior year, twenty-something, etc. with the mindset that running to Him and His word is way, way better than what I have been doing thus far. It won't be perfect, and not too much fun at first... but like it says below He will delight in it. And I like Him enough to try.  

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

    he’s the one who will keep you on track.

Don’t assume that you know it all.

    Run to God! Run from evil!

Your body will glow with health,

    your very bones will vibrate with life!

Honor God with everything you own;

    give him the first and the best.

Your barns will burst,

    your wine vats will brim over.

But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;

    don’t sulk under his loving correction.

It’s the child he loves that God corrects;

    a father’s delight is behind all this." Proverbs 3:5-12