#23

the following is an excerpt from a late night journal entry:

“last day of 22 feels. 

I finally know whats it means to be confident and secure in who Chloe Paige is. 

This is my greatest personal victory within myself. 

Mind, body, and spirit, I do not need songs or presents or attention... 

that’s my everyday on this earth really... 

this day is more for me to remember who I am. 

What I believe. 

And check myself, to see if it was my last year, did it matter. 

Never in a woe is me way. 

Never. 

But in a “God, it’s me... the one you told to step away from the fake love and self hate. 

And into your arms. 

Yeah it’s me. 

I’m here to do your will for another year. 

Hope I make less mistakes this time around.” 

It was hard for me to admit that he didn’t need me to be a little girl anymore. 

He needed me to be a woman. 

A woman for other little girls. 

A woman that didn’t leave. 

A woman who loved herself. 

A woman who knew what it felt like to destroy her body in order to feel. 

I hated, I hate.. that I had to share my pixie dust. 

That I had to grow up. 

But I love what has been given to me because of it. 

I sob because I don’t deserve it. 

I weep because I feel all the lives that don’t get to live to 23. 

I celebrate because maybe, while I’m 23, people will see Jesus 365 more days because of me. 

Much like low income indie films with sad endings, I will turn 23 and then the rest of the work week will ensue.

And more birthdays will pass and the sun will rise and fall each day and no one will see the significance I see in this.

I won’t waste 23.”

I could tell you how 22 was different.

Just as I predicted it would be.

I could tell you about the milestones, the thousands of miles traveled.

But this story is more than those that happened on a timeline or in an airplane.

I could tell you about the love I didn't know would impact me like it still does.

No degree, or surprise visit could compare to the acceptance of me.

My heart has been refined.

My eyes no longer shy away from the truth that is 'I'

I owe 22 that much.

Even if it did take almost all of it.

I think I'm ready now.