Dear A

Dear A,

I remember the day I first met you. Your voice was nothing but hate and anger. And people were scared to get to close. I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.

I remember seeing you fight back for so long. Adult after adult tried to control the hate spilling over and your easy to trigger emotions seemed to get hold of you before you even knew what to do. A battle none of us could win... it was you that needed to fix it.

A, I remember the day she had you pinned to the ground... you kept fighting. Exhausted, I held a phone to her mouth while the both of you struggled and I was there, watching you. It seemed so easy for you... we got so sweaty and out of breath just to keep you still.

I remember coming home that day.  I remember the pain in my heart.  The scars on another's arms remind the past struggles... I was told to leave you be. I didn't listen.

Dear A, if you only knew how many people really do love you. How many times whispered prayers were for you. So many people called you bad. Uncontrollable. I know a few who had a dream of what it would be like to see you grow up better but doubted your abilities. I remember the day I said "The day he looks me in the eyes... then I will know."

Sometimes my mind wanders to the day your emotions flared (what others call bad behavior) you threw a table at me... and she had you take deep breaths. I remember those breathes. I took a few myself.

Time has come and gone A, and today.... you looked me in the eyes.

I was scared. So many leave it to others, and the rest just don't try. But I got down. On my knees and prayed that God would bring peace to the fist you tightened as I got to your level. "Throwing rocks is dangerous A. I'm gonna need you to apologize before I get crazy." What happened next will probably make so many laugh, and the rest question what the heck makes that any better? But I know.

Your sweet voice trying not to sound to mean or to weak "Imma need you to go with me so I don't hit nobody!" Flooded with happiness. I sigh. because you looked at me with complete honesty and admitted you needed help. Without any hate, anger, or violence you apologized and ran off to do some thinking. While you did this, I thought a lot as well. I thanked God for you. And how far you have come.

Dear A,
 You laughed today, smiled, said you're sorry, played with other kids, said my name over and over out of joy, AND you asked for a hug... which turned into chocking but hey.. I'll take what I can get<3

Lesson One: No Idols.

After a month of non secular music I am less egar to turn on my radio and listen to music I would have loved before. Does that mean I won't ever go back? No. Music is something I love, but I did this to remove myself of false idols people. Did I change? I'm not sure... that's up to everyone around me. But I do know I see people in the music industry differently than before. I will still sing along to my favorites... I just won't allow myself to go back to where I was. Now... I am listening to some love on top, down in the valley, poison and wine, and Cbreezy. Shocking Drake isn't top on my list anymore. I listened to Motto and it was good. Then I put on zone out by KB a christian rapper I have gotten super familiar over the last month and it was epic.
http://youtu.be/7tlSeDHroMo the link to this amazing song is here:) you're welcome.

When I started this challenge it was because I had a problem idolizing these people. And the trash going into my head was insane. But it wasn't a big deal because I only listed to it for the beat... right. Wheather I wanted it to or not those lyrics were burned in my head and they got misuded. It effected my mood, and the things that ran through my head throughout the day. It wasn't good. So I gave it up, along with other people who had the same idea. My own sister thought sure it was OK for me, because she didn't listen to the same stuff I did... but after a few days she caught on and decided to join me in this little adventure. And I think we both changed in our own ways, but we both willingly will g back to the secular music. Just not as obsessed, and more mindful of what we choose to listen to.God should be the only idol in my life. And that is what I am striving for now.

I can't help what plays in my work, or the store I'm shopping in but I can help what is on my ipod, the radio, and the CD's I choose to download. I love beats, I love rap. And I can honestly say that some Christian music was painful to listen to. Just like it pains me to listen to certain secular artists. You have to be willing to look for what you like and go with it. Thank goodness I know of a good handfull of guys who live and rap for Jesus. They are for sure what got me through this month. And I will listen to them everyday, along with some Jay Z, Beyonce, and Chris Brown.

You can have your own opinion on what music you listen to, and judge me all you want for going back. And also I want to say that rap is not all I listen to.. *GASP* Ever heard of the head and The Heart.. The Civil Wars.. Avett Brothers.. or Regina Specktor? Yeah those are like in my top 10 artists for sure.. but I had to give them up too. They do not have any vulgar language or cryptic message that makes you worship them, no drugs.. just great music and very creative voices. But do they openly worsjip the Lord or send inspirational bible verses throughout the lyrics not quite.. so they were out in the cold too. But I listen to some of their music today and I cant stop smiling! They just make me happy. And they have such talent! Something a few of the artists on my local christian radio could not offer me. Which is super sad. That is why I normally chose to not listen to the radio. Only CDs given to me or youtube some good NEEDTOBREATH:)

Anyway. This is super random but people wanted to know my thoughts about this whole thing when it was done. I recommend it, and I would do it again. After I had a MAJOR panic attack the first few days it wasn't hard at all. I actually FORGOT about some of my 'favorit' songs... it was crazy. I fell in love with the music played that worshiped God. And didn't tell me getting high and having random baby mamas was what being a pimp meant. And I have to laugh that those are things people still obsess over. I obsessed over.

The Drake concert will be at Rupp Arena this month and a lot of my friends are going. Some think I'm stupid not to go. But let me tell you, Drake is great at what he does. And I will still pick and choose the songs I like of him and don't like, just as I did before. But when God gives you talent and you abuse it with some of the crap,,

                                ****PAUSE*** ADELLE JUST CAME ON THE RADIO.

Bahaha. Ok As you can see I am so not very serious when it comes to writing about this. These artists are just PEOPLE. And I will no longer knock a girl out if they try to change the station that is playing Marvin and Chardonnay. It just wont happen. I won't even scream when Chris Brown comes on the TV anymore... fingers crossed. I also learned that basketball players are just guys as well. Along with everyone else in the world. We are all people. and just because you can sing, dance, act, play ball, or just look plain fly should make me freak out. I call this challenge a detox of fame and idols. Because after awhile you see differently, and I quiet like it. Now if you will excuse me some Tripp Lee has just been downloaded and I need to listen to Robot:) and I hear Jay Z has done a song about his baby girl. <3

The Race.

Stretch. Warm up for the last time.
Prepared in the resting. Thought through all situations,
as much as allowed.
Look at the track, the competition, the end.

Like a tunnel with a little tiny bit of light at the end. Soon it will get so big,
big enough to finally step out into the circle, the winners circle.
A prize so good. Only the tough make it.
Tough... something to gain on this race for sure.

Feared this moment. Ready for this moment. I have. I am.
Knowledge is something I've always wanted.
Freedom as well.
"Rough" they tell me. But the good kind. The kind you endure and push through.

I watched a documentary on the Olympics today. And was in awe of their talents. Most amazed by the runners... the pain in their faces shows just how hard and 'rough' their sport is. But that moment of realizing how far they have gone, how long they conditioned. practiced. Winning. Finishing. Their prize at the end SO worth all that work.

Push my mind, like the muscles.
Endure the cold of a subject I could care less about. It's important.
Focus on the now as best as I can because just looking at the end will make me want to cut corners and just 'pass'. I will NOT just pass. I will finish with that smile. Proud of what I did. Proud of all that HARD WORK put in. Never forgetting though the reward.
Stretching I am. For tomorrow the last part of my race is here. The hardest i do believe.
The light in the tunnel is closer now.
And my track seems a bit shorter, steeper.
But it is more about agility. Not my speed.

Every race needs some preparation. And my manual is all about it.

Relate if You can

Relate if you can they say. Of course. This is just the normal for free spirits.
I would know.

So many theological phrases come along with a mind meant for a bed of wild flowers. Such thought. Detail. On the fly all the same. Sentences that a scholar would dream of composing, with breath so small a child newly born could compete. Logical? Relate if you can.

So at peace they seem, those hippies of sorts. But war is the thing they have the hardest time with. A war not of the world, people, or things alone. Themselves. you vs. you. How could such a soft spoken, chill person deal with issues bigger than they know... relate if you can.

Take a stroll down a lane of deep breaths, lyrics written on your wrist, dirty feet describing the journeys taken, and a heart inscribed with tales  beyond all imaginations. Life.... the reality we have been missing all along.

Free spirits know it.  Feeling within the bones given to hide the true reason their presence is here. They see your struggles with 'things.' And they rest knowing you will fix it. Somehow. Wars within souls is only savable by Him. Let it go.

Quick I write. Sense? Why make any when these are just words? From my own mind I speak. Powerful to whom need it to be. Silly to those who care for anything but the relaxed form of expression. Open your soul to the fact that hearing comes after listening. You must be taught these things. A free soul knows being exposed to the lessons is the greatest. Beat beat. There it is. That drum once again it calls me. Relate if you can. If not, who knows... maybe your sain. And I am the one in need of some rules. Nahh.

Trial and Error

Such a student as you
careful in what you know.
Learning like the baby sparrow,
trial and error.

Such a child as you
always ready to grow.
Reach above your head to see,
how much more today.

Such a girl as you
shy to approach egar to be noticed.
Behave as others with no luck,
wondering why.

Such a teacher as you
loves to love. Hand ready
to calm. Instruct. And to discipline.
Just as you were once.

Such a human as you
always mistakes. Always good jobs.
perhaps tomorrow there will another chance.
Laugh, hours left you know.

Eating the information up like your first thanksgiving.  Crying tears for those who forgot how to.  Loving the thought of adults listening to what you have to say, silly or not.   Know, always what you can.  Sometimes it comes back in strange forms.  Listen, see, be ready.  Such a you is me.

Wind Is Sweeping Around

                                                        Wind Is Sweeping Around

As I accept a piece of me, small but

Given anyway, you go a bring me chills

Quick, you came and went on purpose?

For I wish you could have stayed, invisible

To the naked eye. Surrounding me like a

Revived spirit, I am consumed by your presence.

A tendency to brush against my skin like needles with strength
Like a hurricane? Or maybe you have tender wisps,
Sweeping around my soul. Clear and comforted your intentions are heard.

And being the small piece against your power I know how to stand;
Protecting myself like a priceless treasure. Many more times your
Appearance is made and my treasure is at risk, touched, felt.

Holding a hand prevents from facing the chill.
Worried you calm like the oceans breeze; you and I
A pair separation will not know, strength and growth

But broken still. Heart opened to let you in; wisps back,
Power is filled in these lungs of time.
Seeing at last purpose in these meetings.

Perhaps time will have it, wind will be a mirror of me.
Sweeping, touching, a treasure of play
Only to be given away again.

Clarity and Needles

Sometimes all you need is one moment alone with Him, in an element you are unfamiliar with, that you think you have no purpose doing, and it hits. Like your feet on Christmas morning when you were little; hard, running so fast the direction didn't matter, just as long as you got there.

There is the moment of release, letting go, moving on. Or on special meetings learning something new. I love that part, but sometimes you wonder why it could not have been sooner. If it would have been any sooner what would have gone through to learn anything? Moments of peace knowing He is right behind you smiling, sitting on the edge of His seat in approval.

Sometimes those moments happen and you share them. I did. And the passing of a happy thought, a happy time when only breathing coming from yourself is what you hear. He came to me through clarity and needles tonight. With a bath/shower that should have been 'too long.' With a conversation made for me to realize, it's not me whose driving the boat and asking for direction. Or maybe I was, and that was my problem...

I nod my head. This is where I'm supposed to be, panic attack number 5 of the day has come and gone, and the voice of a wiser than I says, "It may suck, and it may feel like it is to hard and you can't do it. But there are always, always reasons.... and your reason.. is them."

I am not the driver of this boat, He is.

These moments are never called for, but always on call.
When they seem a little late, they come right on time.
Just like the wind brushing against me like needles, and clarity in frosted wings, they are art ready to make the debut gala called, life.