Not my will but Yours

My desk is covered in colored pens, work sheets, a bag of munchies (thanks mom!), a Pentateuch study guide and an essay question prompt for tomorrows exam at 7:35am. (Insert the look of sheer pain and horror as I prepare for my first real Jody O. exam.) Pushing my glasses up my nose like all the "nerds" I never wanted to be as a child, and wearing my Johnson sweats like a true college freshman. I have been reading over the book of Matthew for my Gospel Narratives class. When I came across Matthew chapter 19 verse 29. "And everyone who has left houses, or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

I wake up each morning with the same question resting on my lips. Daring God to show me why I am here. Because if I'm honest I still feel on the fence about this whole thing. And I want to be sure that this is what I am supposed to be doing. That I will learn, grow, and be challenged all while having the opportunity to love and be loved by this place and the people here. I think God has been waiting for this a long time. He knew that I would fight Him tooth and nail on getting here, and once I made it here the fight wouldn't be over. He has an answer every time. I can just see him shaking his head like "I have a million reasons for you to be here, leaving everyone you love and doing life with these people is just part of the process. I got all the time in the world (lol) Keep 'em coming child."

He has sent a thunderstorm, wind, people, service opportunities, new churches, crazy dreams becoming reality, and the most important, His word. Not once have I opened my bible since being here has it not provided another reason I am doing His will. Which brings me back to Matthew 19:29...

Those who leave everything for Christ will be rewarded 100 times more. That's me. And as hard as it was, and has been. Eternal life just seems to flipping awesome to pass up. I may not be the best Bible major student that comes through Johnson's doors, but you can sure as heck believe that I will rock the boat while here...

Not my will but Yours, Lord.

Memories & Now

    

     Today I am remembering. Remembering so many days full of laughs, and attitudes. Days with my kids that would literally keep me alive some weeks. Hard days looked like tears and loud voices, maybe even having to lay under the table just to get on the same level. Good days looked like a planner with no marks and a good grade on a spelling test. But maybe it was also just learning how to share and keep our hands to ourselves.

 

     I never knew what kind of day it would be until I saw them coming up the hill out of their portables and into the vans. High fives and hugs or an argument about wanting to go home instead of Academy, that was always the anticipation on Mondays and Thursdays. Small victories are like the Olympics around there.

 

     Today I won't be there. I won't be there all semester. And it sucks. Not as much as it did before because I've learned. And they have grown up and learned to that I can't always be there. But what I can do is love. Love them from wherever I am, always. And I can only hope that I did enough to prove them that.

 

I can't wait to see them.

     Right now I have been pretty much stuck in the bubble of Johnson U. I've left campus several times for Boomsday, church, and the all important Wal - Mart runs, but I haven't been to the city yet. In my Encountering Cultures class there have been numerous organizations similar to Urban Impact speak and recruit volunteers. I.AM.SO.FREAKING.EXCITED. I was wired to serve, and to love. So being stuck in limbo and trying to balance out my new normal in school has made that a little hard. I am stir crazy. Western Heights and Montgomery Village are two neighborhoods that have really stuck out the last three weeks and I signed up to work at Emerald Youth Foundation for our campus wide service day next week. It's like serve the city for all my Lexington friends. Praise God! I couldn't be more excited to get out into the community.

     I am doing my best not to get stuck in the past and where I'm not. Focusing on what I have learned and am learning to use it now in the present, to make an impact in Knoxville. It is a beautiful city just waiting to be loved. I get sad when I look at pictures or think of my kids and how I won't get to hug them all the time. But what I can get excited about is developing relationships here with the kids and the community of Knoxville. "GO and make disciples." Not "stay where you are comfortable."

     I am excited for what the future holds, because if it's half as good as all these memories then shoo I'm in for a wild ride!


   

Way to many thoughts right now...

Just a few things... a lot of things that have been going on in my head.

Tomorrow will be a week since I left my beautiful Lexington.
I haven't cried in four days.
Sleeping wasn't an option the first night, but with a room renovation and some night time cold medicine it's gotten a lot better.
I haven't freaked out over the fact that my books should have been here 5 days ago... yet.
A 4.0 without friends isn't why I came to college, not that I won't give my best, of course I will. But really I am here for The Lord and His Kingdom, not an A in my HIST 1100 class.
I've met some awesome people who I have no idea what I would do without already.
Woke up this morning thinking four years of this is going to be a combination of awful and fantastic, hard but so worth it, and that I have to constantly remember why I am here... oh hey there are the tears.
I miss my kids.
I want to hug my family.
Knowing what's due for what class and when is literally going to drive me insane right now.
I can't remember the last time I prayed unless it was in class and I had to. Which would seem kinda silly since I am at Johnson and people think I've turned into a Monk or something.
I need some me time. Alone time. Time with the Lord to thank Him for getting me here and for His provision, love and humor that Intercultural Studies Majors are the only ones who don't leave with a ring.
I'm listening to Magna Carter Holy Grail because I literally need something that hasn't played on air1 before right now. Oh. And Drake. Always.
A kid came up to me during an ugly cry on Saturday and basically said I was loved and that whatever sadness I felt won't last, because even his darkest days had an end... Sometimes you just need a random skater kid to shock the heck out of you long enough to dry the tears and realize you're in the right place.
Computer lab has been one of the most boring, scary, easy, and interesting things I have done so far. I keep fooling people into thinking I'm good enough to be in there.
Did I say I miss my kids yet? Because I do. They start academy after labor day and I would do anything to be there. I want to hear about middle school, to be able to drive down Hedge Wood and be greeted by a half dozen hugs and loud giggles.
Can't even go to the dumpster without seeing a couple. SUPER AWKWARD.
Still sick over here. Coughing up lungs and other vital organs.
I've missed a lot of meals but made up for it with almonds and cookies = freshman 15 for no reason lol. Which brings me to the biggest winner. No. Stop asking me people. I can only pretend like I want to work out with y'all. I think it's great. But I'd rather wait till bball season is in and put my energy towards screaming at games.
Sometimes if you are nice to someone they get the wrong idea. Other times they just don't get the idea at all.
Teachers are freaking hilarious... they just haven't been yet.
7:35s EVERY SINGLE DAY..... That's all.
It's hard to remember life before this little community sometimes. I don't like that.
I'm still waiting for 'me' to show up.
A movie or Netflix binge is needed.
It's beautiful here. I want to explore and get out in the city. I also want all this work and freaking Saki stuff to disappear just for a little while longer. Oh well.
I got to video chat with my 2nd fam last night. And it was like the greatest Christmas present you have ever gotten times 12!!! I MISS THEM SO MUCH.
Ok. Now the coffee is wearing off and the meds are kicking in. Bed time early much? These are just a random mash up of what my brain is going through right now. Sorry it's written the way it is... but not really. I don't care enough right now to use format.

P.S. I just remembered about another assignment due tomorrow morning...

Accepting Your 'You'

I can't believe I'm even talking about this.

Progress.

As I peel off the dead skin from one of my many odd tan lines, wondering how embarrassing it would be to wear that new skirt I just got. "I knew I shouldn't have worn those shorts over my bathing suit." I thought. A one piece. Already covering most of my body, I still felt the need to wear shorts. And now I am reaping the consequences, unable to correct the damage thanks to rain and mosquitos. "Next summer" I whispered.

Parts of me are whiter than the vanilla ice cream I forgot to put in the freezer, others are gold and freckled. Tank top tan lines and you can tell I wore sunglasses most days. My feet, when cleaned, show that I left my tennis shoes in a car that went back to Knoxville. Flip flop tan lines are my favorite.

Bruised, scabbed, and a little crooked... my knees are healing quite nicely from the summers beatings. I thought I would be tough and go against a brother triple my size while playing ball... the mark still looks like Africa. I think it goes great with my other scars from trying to rescue a raccoon out of a dumpster, and the dozens of trees I climbed back in the day. The raised line on my right hand is often forgotten until someone asks me about it. "Dogs really like me." Is usually my response.

Needing a hair cut would be an understatement. Half blonde half brown. The dead ends are real. I never do my hair, unless the kids get ahold of it, and even then they don't have much to work with. I used to joke Sophomore year that I didn't own a hairbrush. You would have thought it was true. It's truly the least of my worries.

My eyes never used to be outlined black, and they could have stared you right back in the eye. Now they wander in hopes you won't notice. I remember when sleepovers weren't an event I had to map out every scenario. Or the hurt I have to cover up when I'm asked why I'm different. Masked. I'm in hiding. To bad my hiding place sucks and has to many glitches. What I would do to go back...

With a crooked back, uneven skin, extra long fingers, size 11 feet, and eyes most people can't describe other than "wolf" or "grey blue" I am a whole lot of mess.

I used looked in the mirror in hate, to wish, and regret.

I can't believe I'm even talking about this.

Progress.

Someone told me I was beautiful. Someone told me I was His creation. They didn't give me the crappy, "It's what's on the inside" speech. They told me my voice was big. That they would take me bald. That I was safe without the mask. That my anxiety, and the actions from it, don't define me as a person. It was up to me to see that I was beautiful. To know that confidence makes a world of difference. Letting my guard down was freaking scary, sharing my insecurities and baring my naked self for all to see was NOT easy. And I cried.

But then something happened...

I was still me. I was still loved, accepted, and cared for. They saw me in my vulnerability and life continued on. Do you know how beautiful that is? To be free for the first time after so long you kept yourself locked up for no reason? I know what it feels like now. And yes, I still wake up in the morning and wish I looked more like Keira Knightley, Jennifer Lawrence or Natalie Portman (The taller versions.) But now I look in the mirror without hurtful words, but acceptance. To "work with what ya got."

I'm slowly learning these things. Slowly. But it's progress, and I love it. I am proud of myself. That I have gotten this far. That the stretch marks don't mean ugly, and the angel kiss on my ear isn't weird. My broad "football" shoulders, as we call them, look awesome in a strapless dress. And people would "kill" for my legs.

So I guess you could say I am accepting my me. Not because I've thrown a pity party like "Might as well accept the bad." Not at all. I'm just finally starting to see the good. It's not all about the looks *woah didn't I just say I don't like that speech? Yes, but this is different. Focus on having a beautiful mind, heart, and soul... next thing you know people will see a change in you too.

I have a journal that says "Live Beautifully" on the front cover. I've adopted this as my sort of mantra. So here I am. That once masked girl buried in her own insecurities, focused on what others saw when they looked at her. And now I can confidently say, that if I'm living beautifully, that's what will be seen. Both in my own eyes and others.


GOD IS WITHIN HER; SHE WILL NOT FALL. PSALM 46:5

Bittersweet: The End of a Season

     "I've thought long and hard about this. I've even tried not thinking about it. I've cried... a lot and prayed over and over again. Yet the words just don't come out right. They will never express how I want them to. Maybe they're not supposed to."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Yesterday was my last day. 20 days till I move. 20 days till I leave all this behind. After the most rewarding 10 weeks of my life it has come to an end. I hate the word bittersweet just for the sake of how real it is.

Let's back up a little...

     Before I went to Bolivia in May I got a text that said I needed to go to their house for a meeting. I had no idea that this trip to their basement, which is like a second home to me, would be the beginning of my long time dream coming true. I was handed papers to 'look over' and before I could find my seat I started bawling... of course. Long story short, as many of you know, I accepted an internship with The Lexington Leadership Foundation this summer. I would be working with their Youth Ministries: Urban Impact and Amachi... but I also got to take part in events for the Fatherhood Initiative, as well as sitting in on various meetings concerning the city of Lexington.

     One of the great things about this internship was that I got to share it with three of the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. One of those being my sister, Olivia. The other two, Michael and Chewie... (whose full name is that of a beloved Star Wars character!) Chewie, originally from the Congo, was shocked to find out that I had already been with Urban Impact for the number of years I had. I told him not to be so surprised... he would see it's very hard to leave once involved, and being employed was just a bonus compared to the lives you get to minister to.

     Olivia. The baby. The one who stays silent long enough for you to wonder what she's thinking, who speaks with grace and clarity. Stunning those listening she knows what's up. She is the writer, the thinker, the one who likes to talk one on one but deserves a stage. The visionary. I am glad to have had her intern with me. Looking forward to her growing in her faith and learning about herself as a daughter of Christ.

     Michael. Took on the title of best friend this summer. And thank God he did. The oldest and loudest of us. He was asked to make a choice at the beginning of the summer, and I think we are all happy with the one he made. Always challenging me... whether I wanted it or not. We pushed each other a lot and gained trust... say what?! My copilot, always getting on my nerves... not sure I could have survived without this one. Really proud of the man he is becoming.

     Chewie. Newest member to the crew, I always found myself saying "dang" under my breath around him. Just because you can ask him to do something, anything, and it will be done... and done well. Crafts. Heavy lifting. Prayer. Sports (Don't mess with him on the soccer field!) Canoeing. The kids love him. The list goes on and on people. For only being 15 this kid already has a heart to serve and I learned a lot from the past few weeks with him.

     Being in the office, sitting in on meetings, Thursday morning prayers, planning and going to camps upon camps, and watching the boys play basketball in the street during cookouts were great distractions to the biggest event that would come this summer. College. Moving to Knoxville, TN. And leaving behind everything I love.

     It would be selfish for me to stay...I have been selfish for not wanting to listen to Him. But I thank God daily for people that have poured into me this far, for having a reason to go and learn and gain the tools needed to come back and be more equipped for the job waiting on me. Jesus told his disciples to drop what they were doing... (what they were good at and comfortable with) to leave their families and friends behind, to follow Him. I have to remind myself of this often. I am doing what I have been called to do. No matter how hard it is. I will do it. I will live for Him and Him only.

     I won't go into detail of all the happenings this summer, but what I will mention is the late night conversations with my sweet baby girl on life or how this woman came into my life wanting me to call her 'Nana' and forever changing my heart. Not being able to accept J's friend request and the tan line from AMs bracelet. Failure after failure, disappointing those I love, but thanking God for forgiveness and lessons learned. Overcoming insecurities and proving myself wrong. Seeing my kids find Christ and saying goodbye to three boys we won't ever forget. Traveling out of the country and driving around East End. Being pushed out of the nest... literally. Solving middle school dramas and causing my own post high school. Running in the rain. Sitting at a conference desk in the Joe Craft Center, hearing the story of an immigrants daughter. Making friends in the park. Anointing the church because of a vision, praying... yes that says PRAYING praise God. SO MANY van rides that led to laughing so hard tears came down their faces. Letting my feet get dirty... because at the end of the day you can see how hard you played and worked. Using my big girl voice... some would say not enough, others would say too much (depends who was getting talked to!)

 

Just a few pics from the most amazing summer ever.

 

     I am blessed beyond measure for having the mentors I have. The constant encouragement, prayers, challenging me to not be average. Allowing yourselves to be transparent and open, showing that it's ok not to be perfect, because that can only be Christ. Teaching me how to Love God and Love Others, that I can be creative, make a difference, and that I will be missed. Forgiving me for being selfish and immature. Hearing what I have to say. Giving me such responsibility knowing I could handle it. Trusting me in situations many wouldn't. That is all I will say about them before I flood my room in tears. Love you. (Ya'll know who you are.)

     So here I am. 19 days left of this adventure called summer. Broken hearted that I won't have my kids running up to give me hugs after school. That my Tuesday nights won't be spent in their basement. I won't wake up to my mom yelling upstairs that breakfast is ready. And I have to face the reality this 'new' will be my 'normal' at some point. Yet I am so full of the Spirit. He takes the worry away, heals the thought of being lonely, and shows me His plan is so, so much better than mine.

They tell me I'm ready... and as hard as it is for me to believe them... I know I have to be.

100

   
                                                     
Have you ever written a date in your phones calendar thinking only of its meaning in that moment? Perhaps you are like me in that the event added, is just a marker for something bigger, more important. And yet, that event you added changes things... things you were not ready for. Then the day comes when it pops up, makes a little noise and says, "Hey remember me? I'm that forgotten day." And then stuff gets real.

I woke up yesterday to a forgotten calendar date. One that wasn't the real event, just a marker, or the start of a count down. "100 days till move - in day!" Now for a lot of people 100 days couldn't be longer, but for me - I hate knowing. I think it shrinks down the time left an excessive amount. Moving to Knoxville in 100 days. Going to college. All of this at 7:00am when I had about 3 hours of sleep doesn't sit well with this emotional girl receiving the news.

I thought of doing something special or meaningful each of the last days in Lex. But of course I would forget one day and that would ruin everything, plus I don't want to think of it as the world is ending, because it's not. It's just getting a little bigger.

I'm still waiting on my Algebra 2 grade to come in the mail (can you hear the excitement in my voice?) So I can send in my last transcript. Then the finalization of my acceptance will begin and my roommate, class schedule, and financial aid plan will become real. I have 99 days till I walk into my first dorm room and hug the girl I pray to God will become my best friend. 99 days till I no longer reside in my beautiful Kentucky. There are 99 summer nights I get to spend with my family, friends, and kids making new memories, and remembering old ones. So if you see me crying at a cookout, or pool party, it's not because I ate bad food or didn't get my turn off the high dive ;) It's because I am taking it all in the only way I know how. Blessed and thankful for the people around me that make it hard to leave.

That doesn't mean I won't stress or worry or feel sad. A dear friend that is back from school for the summer told me the other day that "Sometimes you have to let yourself worry a little... and then you realize. Oh wow it's really not that bad. And you're ok." I believe God does not want me to worry and to give it to Him. But I am not superhuman. And I don't want to try to test my powers against Gods. I trust Him that I am doing what He wants, and in that I will be ok. Human emotions are inevitable. So when I haven't slept in a week because I have horrible anxiety. And my half introverted half extroverted self can't decide if I want to be around people or all alone. I just kinda freak out.

I've done different things to relieve stress in a healthy way but in recent nothing is working. I saw my middle schoolers get off the bus before bible study and it made my day. Like I hadn't been forgotten. They were so grown. And I thought of how they would be in High School before I moved back. Then it got quiet in my heart again.

Last night the only thing that worked was to call Kelsey. Not to talk about the 100 day calendar event, my work week, or why I was freaking out. I just wanted to hear her. I just wanted something or someone that was for sure and consistent in my life. And I was ok after that.

Today I sat outside. And laughed because I am so pale.

Then I held back the tears thinking of being alone. Baby Lucy woke up and cried with me. She laid on my chest for about 30 minutes because neither of us wanted to do anything else except be close to someone without all the work. Without the stress. Or the constant up and downs our very different lives bring us. I like when Jesus teaches me things through babies.

There are a billion different ways to explain how I feel, or what I'm planning to do with my 99 days. All I know is it's ok to have mixed emotions. Besides Gods plans are always way better than mine anyway.

I talk to Him more now. About the stuff I get scared about, and the things I love. Normal things are still hard... bigger ones are even harder. But when it comes to fear and love, He is getting a lot more from me than before. And I thank Him for progress. 99 days might not come up in a conversation, but He knows. He knows how I feel. And that along with a big sister, a baby, and the sunshine makes things ok.

Academy #ittakesavillage

A lot has happened in the past months since I've written last. An entire summer filled with some of the greatest memories I will ever have. Camp after camp, new and old friendships ignited with a fire from God. I am not writing about this summer though. If I wanted you to know my entire summer you would.

Ask me about the 4am conversations that I had with some of the most God loving people I know. Or how about the nights around camp fires with my kids just laughing. Even better? People being saved by God's grace! The singing, dancing, and cheering. This summer was filled with lessons, taught and given. I have been blessed by an amazing God, and I wouldn't change a thing that's happened. If you really want to know more about my summer just ask... I will be more than willing to spend time on the greatest time of my life! But it's back to school time now! And with it comes even more adventure!

Tomorrow marks my second year with academy. This is a milestone I won't let myself forget. A year ago the only thing I knew was I would be seeing some of my kids from camp, and helping with homework. Ha. Little did I know my life would be changed forever. I have been pushed and pushed by kids half my size to be a better person, to see from a different perspective. They have lived through things no one their age should ever have to. But they did. And they keep going. They are my biggest inspiration, motivation, and encouragement to know that I CAN do it. We have wiped each others tears, laughed till we fell over, and broken more than one pencil...

People tell me it can't work. That these kids are not my siblings, that I just help them get one homework assignment turned in out of the week, I won't make a lasting impact. I have learned to stop fighting with these people. Instead i pray for them. That they will be changed, and see that God is helping me. My end goal is not to get every assignment in (although that is wonderful) or have them remember my name when their old and gray. It is that they know they are love by someone bigger than themselves, that they CAN do it. And I want them to be leaders. My name means nothing in the end. But the impact I have on them does. Love God. Love others. that's it.

I went to Woodhill twice this week because I was so excited about Monday. Getting out of my car, and getting pushed down by all the hugs is one of my favorite things. A lot of people my age would say getting a text from their crush or chilling on the beach are their favorite things. And I think those are on my list somewhere too... but those hugs.. they are my favorite. Talking to the Momma's. And waving to the neighbors who are starting to recognize me. These things mean something. I'm not sure what.. but I think it is something good.

Tomorrow they will get off the vans, give me a hug (forced or not!) and sit down once again to hear the Love God Love Others verse, and our year will begin. I have no idea what to expect now that some of my kids are in middle school, and I will have new second graders coming in. A few have matured a lot over the summer, others are going to be quite a challenge. Lucky for me, I have learned a lot, and am ready for more. One piece of advice that will be in use a lot this year, "Say it with ya chest." Things will be different for sure, but what's for sure is that I could always be a little louder!

Here's to the 2012-2013 school year and all it's lessons. Oh, and put your L's up!