I Love That They Know

I've learned a lot about peoples love languages in the last few years...


They stood all around me.
Sweat dripping.
Before we had just given our head nods or high-fives in passing
while they ran down the court.
Now there were falling down around my feet and laying heads on my shoulder.
I didn't call them over here.
But that was game and they were catching their breath before they picked the next round of teams.
And brought soggy t-shirt hugs with them.
I love that they know.


Hard core - tears streaming down my face - belly hurting - laughed in the van this week.
If only people could hear what I hear cruising down Broadway or College St.
I tell people all the time there is something special about the times together.
The 'boy I'm on you's" and "Chloe, I have to talk to you's"
or the days we just have to play Chance.
Thankful I was trained to keep them safe, from the jump, but my goodness, do we have fun too.
I love that they know.


I sat and listened to kids defend their faith, and ask hard questions about this world.
Only jumping in when needed.
Being asked about racism, the gay community, Gods plan, suicide, all things I didn't expect to come across my radar that day, we tackled them together.
I am learning right along with them.
I love that they know.

-----

Simple things.
It's wild but,
I love that they know.

Filling.
Pouring.
Filling more and more.
Pouring always.

The sweaty hugs, the belly laughs, the hard conversations.
Like magic - they know.

This Ones for the Kids

This ones for the kids...

I couldn't have done this without you. 

There is no way I would be crossing that stage in just a few shorts weeks without your endless 

laughter, hugs, smiles, high-fives, long talks, prayers, reality checks, 

basketball, football, volleyball, track, wrestling, swim,

small group honesty, van rides blasting music,

getting snowed in on the mountain,

elementary and middle school camp,

movie days, zoo days, park days, sonic days,

college applications and bringing a baby into this world,

a summer full of Popsicle's and the next summer spent over FaceTime,

arguing over poor choices even though you knew what was right,

bad attitudes, sass, tears, and 

lots of empty threats about fighting me when I asked you to do your homework,

*thankfully I only remember 2 times that actually sort of happened, and we can laugh about it now*

art projects, hard questions about Jesus, and earning nicknames that won't ever go away.

I remember being nervous you wouldn't accept me.

I knew kids like you before... I was prepared for it to take a long time to earn your trust,

let alone ever finding a place in this family.

4 years later, I'm realizing how silly that fear was.

4 years.

Did you know its been that long?

Some days I believe it, I feel old trying to keep up with you all, like I've been here my whole life.

Other days I feel like I just moved to town, just started this journey, and I have nothing but time left.

I came here for college, but in the process, I ended up gaining a whole family.

A family that has supported me more than I could have ever imagined.

Granny's, Mamma's, Daddy's, Cousins, Brothers, Sisters, Goddaughters.

I have a whole lot of love to give, but the love I've received from y'all the last 4 years has overwhelmed me and I don't deserve it.

This week I pulled a lot of you aside to tell you I was moving, 

that I wouldn't be in the same city anymore.

How a 6th grade girls dream is becoming reality, thanks to your help.

 How our family bond is stronger than state lines,

and how I can still drive 2.5 hours to put you in check if need be,

or just to visit.

The crazy thing is how you all expect it from us now.

This system, this world, wasn't really built for people to stay in one spot forever.

Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally.

You can see right through me.

You know what I know, almost before I know it.

Our souls have connected on a deeper level than most,

and you feel the same breaking I feel as I am typing this.

This may seem lofty, or sappy, and

of course some of you little ones won't quite follow this long letter, 

but you know your Ms. Chloe well.

You know how when she goes on a rant, there is a point somewhere,

that when she laughs at your jokes, it's always genuine,

and she's still really sorry for cutting her hair so short you couldn't braid it anymore.

For my grown ones.

Man, its been wild!

When I think of my happiest moments in life,  the most difficult moments,

y'all are at the front of my mind.

Please don't ever stop being you.

Never waste your time over a boy.

Hitting your Free Throws will always be important.

Love the people, and look like Jesus.

Dang it...

*insert too many tears to type anymore*

I am so proud of each of you.

I love you, forever and always.

- Ms. Chloe, a.k.a. Chlo, Chloe Paige, 

Sunshine, Sis, Big Squirrel

Saturday Truths

The amount of coffee I can consume in a day no longer surprises me. What does surprise me however, is that I can never seem to drive with it in my car and not spill it.

I call my best friend who lives miles and miles (and miles) away, just to think out loud. And because he is one of the only people who is honest with me about everything.

I'm still shook over Kendrick's new joint The Heart Part 4

I looked at how many days I have left for college, till my visit to San Diego, and till I move out. My heart was met with a joy and sadness only a child could know after they learn they will become an adult some day.

This is the last March Madness I spend not celebrating on State Street.

The last research paper I will write in college is about the churches response to the #BlackLivesMatter movement. Deep breath, We gonna be alright.

The Sun is the greatest healing agent... second to the Son, but you know.

These are just some Saturday Truths.

Jefferson Ave

A few years ago I met these people that talked about Christian community development & the body of Christ as if they had seen in to my own soul & were just quoting things I had dreamed of myself.
We joked about me living with them & pretending to be their long lost child, or something of that nature. Never really verifying if that was to happen or not.

Fast forward...

7 months ago I moved in with them & claimed the role of "baby Chlo" once again. I've learned a lot about myself & about building intentional community off campus, specifically on the east side, thanks to this family. Some days I really feel like the worst house mate there ever was, where I am met with grace & understanding & a few laughs. Other days I'm blessed with the opportunity to teach them about social networking & the most recent slang (also followed by a few laughs!)

In less than 2 months, the great big adventure of moving to Jefferson Ave, will come to a close. I can't even type that without getting emotional. The kids toys, the compost, the pizza nights, the early mornings, the late night talks, the come to Jesus meetings, the porch days,  the love & encouragement & many memories made. This year has shaped me in a beautiful way, a way I think will impact how I see my neighbors & community for years to come.

The coffee is strong, the hugs are often & I'll always be their "Baby Chlo."

Streetlight Answers: Blended Family

I'm not sure about you, but I usually find the answers I'm looking for in the city. 

Under the street lights.

Walking on the cracked sidewalks.

Driving underneath the tall buildings.

-

"Is that your sister?"

We played hide and seek tag under the street lights tonight.

I held Amaya's hand as she roller skated in the cul-de-sac and secretly gave hints to whoever was "it" on where the rest of the kids were hiding.

Still too cold to be without a coat, 

but we're the sort of kids who refuse to deny an opportunity to play, 

the second spring makes her appearance.

I didn't make this trip with intentions I would fall into nostalgia, or dream of the future.

I was "passing through." 

Dodging questions in every city I find myself that day.

Tonight I knew.

-

And for the sweet babies I know will catch wind before I can hug them.

Thank you.

Thank you for letting me bleed and sweat and cry with you.

Thank you for making space and adding me to this blended family.

I find myself constantly singing "Blended Family" by my girl Alicia Keys.

Beautiful. Raw. Honest. True.

This is how I see us.

Blended. 

Even closer than blood most days.

I don't know how it's possible, but I can't imagine life without our beautiful mess.

-

Monday, I was drowning in the most crippling anxiety.

Thursday, I was pressured to believe that, because I love well, and refuse to say "goodbye" to anyone ever, I would make a decision half hearted. 

Tonight, I am confident that not knowing is okay.

But I know.

In the classic words of some of my favorite high school kids, "wait on it."

Because this was never meant to be a trip with intentions of nostalgia or dream of the future.

No matter where I go, the 

"is that your sister?" 

will always be a sign that I am home, with my blended family.

"That's just what you do (for love)

For love of the babies (for love)

We're a blended family (for love)

And it's alright (for love)

Said it's alright!

I'll be here forever"

Blended Family   

Running Away to Find the Answers

I ran away last weekend.
I ran back to the streets I know the best...
the streets that know me too well.
Miles. Years. Missed "first steps."
The separation feels long and heavy.
And yet, whenever I run back,
it's as if someone has been saving my seat.
Someone has been clearing space just for me.
The weight is quickly lifted and I forget why I was even worried.
I listen for a few extra moments and find the rhythm,
right where I left it.
And before you know it,
I am in sync with this life again.

I saw little ones grown up.
Leading kids that are the same age he was when I left.
Called on to encourage and correct harsh teaching.
Of course, this is my element. My sanctuary.
I hugged and cheered and remembered how I felt in their shoes.
I touched the walls of a place I once knew,
and hoped to be mine some day...
One day.

My hero takes every opportunity to remind me why were doing this.
Without knowing it, he has shown me that every stage of construction,
is like the work God has had to do on our hearts.
We are willing to wait a little while longer because we know how important it is He...
they get it right.
I can see it now, more clearly than ever before.
Blueprints... dreams, coming to life.

This is becoming something solid.
Something sturdy.
More than just our words and fiery prayers sent out with deep passion.
The water and roots meant something years ago.
But only the streets have seen and heard and waited with us.

Then I came back.
My heart sank.
Tears streaming down my face because I know...
They know.
Seasons don't last forever.
I think I ran away in hopes I could avoid the truth just a little while longer.
Maybe I could convince myself and God there was an easier way.
The nudge I got back reminding me I never get to take the "easy" way was enough to sweep my knees out from under me.
Being obedient sucks.
Loving people sucks.
And yet I would never trade those two things for anything ever in my life.
Because I have obeyed and because I have loved,
I have been given the greatest life possible.

The next 10 weeks are going to feel like chaos and magic and heartache and joy.
But so will the rest of this life...

Secrets

This was somewhere deep in the drafts.
In the ripped up notebook paper.
Irreversible.
The echo is still here. 
And I want to be free.

-

You're still the first person I want to call when something happens. Good or bad, it's you.
And I laugh when I remember how hard we tried to not acknowledge the wave of feelings that were inside us from day one.
You were the Hulk and I was Black Widow. I got called in anytime you lost your temper, and after awhile it just became routine. I should have seen it then.
But I couldn't.
All I saw was the mysterious black sea that lied behind your eyes.
The markings on your body that preached a life only few could understand... and even deeper secrets only God can judge.
I can still feel your presence when I doubt my own.
You took the carpet out from under me. I still haven't caught my footing. 
I think that's why I've apologized so many times since then.
Innocence in question. 

I'm still trying to convince myself you didn't love the game more than me.
I'm still hoping I see your face once more in this lifetime. 
So I can remind you of the mix of joy and emptiness I've felt every day.
To get rid of the nightmares.