Happiness vs. Joy

If you would have asked me a few days ago how I was holding up in my new job... I would have described it in a way that would have sounded like I was not happy. 

I am here to say there is a difference in being happy and having joy.       

Do you know the difference?

I sure hope so, because it made a world of difference in my life when I learned those were two very different feelings or states of being. 

Hands down I will choose having joy over being happy ever time.

There are parts of my spirit that will never fully understand how to function in a cubicle or a building lit with florescence. But this is what I signed up for. What goes on in those spaces matters. It is important. And I am here to learn. Not all parts of this life are happy, so why should this? 

As long as I have my joy, I'm doing alright.

So to make sure the joy doesn't ever leave... I knocked on some doors.

Thursday night I spent almost 3 hours at the Peterson boys house. 

What started out as a discipline session ended up being the longest catch up for Ms. Chloe and her boys. They are surely the reason I'll go grey early... but also a source of my joy.

Ty still knows his place in my life will always be the one to remind me of my wrongs, 

and for that I am grateful.

Friday I went to my brothers house. 

Not by blood. But by choice. 

I was just going to give him some forms for a trip we are going on with the High Schoolers and ended up pulling weeds in our sweet friends yard for a few hours. 

I told him the story about when I was younger and how my dad used to tell me, "if you ever get lost, just look for Big Blue... and you'll always find your way back home." Which was silly to me back then because I didn't live anywhere near Big Blue... but now, I feel very strongly about it being my North Star. 

We talked about moving to big cities, family, school, mistakes we've made that caused us to get real scared. All he wants to do is the right thing. His observations of the world and "if we're being honest" confessions were enough to rip my soul out and fill it up all over again. 

Saturday I did my very best to hide from the rest of the world.

Needing so badly to be by myself. While simultaneously craving people. 

This is the rip tide within me.  

This is what it feels like to be lost in your own city.

Happiness comes and goes.

It's joy you gotta fight for.