San Diego Thoughts

"Have you left room to deal with all the things that have been happening or will be happening very soon?"

"Where are the margins?"

"Chloe, you need to cry... when are you going to do it?"

"This is your season of rest, you need to be ready."

No matter how it's said... the same message has been given to me over the last week or so.
Longer if you consider all of senior year being spent in a counseling office where simliar things were always mentioned.

This is the dark side of being Chloe Martin.

This is the part of me who didn't choose to get out of bed many days this last year.
The part that kept watching everyone I love hit a glass wall, I built years ago, and seemed to replace the hammer with windex.
This is the part of me that says, "I'll just think about that tomorrow" like Scarlet O'Hara from Gone With the Wind.
Pushing. Shoving. Compressing. Not initing her emotions to the table... or car, sidewalk, church pew, desk, bed, conversation with friends, shower
Nowwhere.

I am currently in a season of transition. Lots of great water and spreading of seeds has been the last couple of years.
Tilling the land here and there, prepping for a harvest that I honestly don't know if I will ever see. And that's okay.
From season to seaon the need to trim back vines, fertilize, rest the soil, all varries.

For a long time I had a lot of help with this process.
There were even some barriers set up to insure I would be on the right track.
And there will still be guidance, leadership, love, and a path laid before me, don't get me wrong.
It's just now, the barriers are being lifted in a way.
Time to see how my roots hold againt the weather.

For a long time people that loved me would joke about how I would put on my running shoes when things started to happen I did not vibe well with.
I want to challenge this a bit and say that I have always known my capacity for things.
I knew when it was time I needed to rest, to step away, when the water was too heavy for my chest.

The salt water and sunshine in San Diego.
The sidewalks and familiar neighborhoods in Lexington.
The city lights and mountians in Knoxville.
And everywhere else I journey in between those cities the last 4 years.

Refuge. Reconcilition. Redemption. Restoration.

The running shoes are there, and I do want to use them some days... but I think after the last 4 years I have realized there is more value in admitting the need
for rest and refueling and dealing with things head on, rather than run in the complete opposite direction!

                                                                         -

To answer the questions that keep circiling me,
I cried long and hard in my bed on the west coast last night.
A combination of the drastic changes coming my way, something that was said to me by a mentor that meant the world, and realizing that my heart isn't coming back after
I gave it away last summer.

Deep breath. It was much needed.
That plus a salt water sunset was the exat healing I came here for.
Not running away from respobsibilities or change or anyone in paticualr.
Just the exat remedy my soul needed.

I hugged my people.
Drank all the coffee.
Laughed, sang, napped.
Ate my favorite foods.
Laid on the beach.
Served with Urban Missions.
Help a friend move in.
Heard new stories and relived old ones.
Saw the streets packed with even people as small rivers flowed through their tents.
Went to the desert.
Prayed. Prayed some more.
And got prayed for.

Now, I am ready to get on that plane tomorrow and face this new chapter head on.