Semesters End

I consider it a victory, making it through the whole ceremony without crying

but then I got back to the dorms. 

It was quiet, the hall was lined with stuff girls had started to move out of their rooms.

A true sign the end of the semester has arrived.

Soon this hall will have new RA's. Ones that will most certainly be good at their job, but they won't be like my RA's. The RA's I've called my best friends these last two years. How does that even happen?

How can you become so close with people you have only known for such a seemingly short period of time? I'm not sure how - but I am assuming it has to do with the fact that you live with them - you share every single day with them. Good, bad, and, ugly. They take care of you like your family used to. They push you to do hard things you feel so accomplished after achieving and convince you that those discounted shorts really are cute. You stay up way to late doing "homework" with them, eating ice cream you shouldn't be eating, and laughing till you pee your pants because someone just couldn't handle that embarrassing story. They argue with you just as much as your siblings do because they care about you and sometimes spending too much time together makes everyone a little crazy. You know just what to say to make them upset, and you learn just how cruel your own words can be in a real sh***y way. They know just how to build you up and when nothing seems to work - they call on the One who does. You spend time in massive book stores looking for the funniest and cheapest movies to buy and watch. You share closets. You play hide and seek in wal mart - but make sure to be back before curfew. You sing horribly auto-tuned songs at the top of your lungs, and dance at any opportunity. You facebook message all summer about culture and music and being quiet. You have meetings in the schools pride and joy of a monument, the "Monoptotron" and just share space.

Community has been built here. I have found my identity and lost it too. I have climbed physical mountains and metaphorical ones with them. They took me under there wing as baby chlo, the freshman. And now, as a rising Junior I am thankful for their wisdom, stupidity, willingness to listen and be silly, to teach me, and to love me when I know I was so so unlovable.

Something I've figured out by laying here is you never seem to remember how you became such close friends. Maybe the first time you saw each other or when you talked the first time, but I honestly can't remember a day I said "he or she will be one of my life long friends" it just sort of happened. And I consider that to be the most beautiful thing. 

I remember when she told me she wouldn't be coming back - how I wanted so badly for it to be a joke.

Or when I needed to be honest with how terrified I am about sitting alone.

How she came into my room to drop something off  - and all we could do was cry - because growing up is scary,  

I just want the class of 2015 - associate degrees and beyond to know how thankful I am for them. Whether you have been my friend the last 2 years (which seems like a lifetime) or just in this last semester. Keeping me safe on a crazy packed subway car, or leading me to be more like Jesus in all my friendships, allowing me to be vulnerable. Maybe you don't even know how I looked up to you, but my mission is that I can be that for some underclassmen as well. Because it is a real gift to have someone care like y'all have.

Change has never been an easy thing for me. And this is a pretty huge change for all of us. The graduates I had to hug tonight knowing they won't be here in the same way ever again. The moving out of the dorms, some of us back home, some to start careers, others to wait for graduate school or an internship in the area this summer. I paid my first rent check today - well after crying about it and getting help from my dad. Others have already picked up their keys, sent in their referrals for a new job, etc.

Like I said before the halls are becoming a place that looks more like a Saturday morning yard sale than dorms. Room 209 has bare walls and their own attempt at starting the packing process. My roommate has come much further in this than I have - with sickness settled into my lungs - and 4 exams meeting me next week starting Monday morning - I haven't really wanted to deal with packing up this life. But I will have to eventually. 

You can't start a new adventure when you're sitting at the end of another.

Eno Truths

Today I am hanging between the two trees my friends helped me pick out yesterday. It was my first eno session of the year – with my own eno. After a freak 10 minute down pour we decided to continue on with our journey to the tree line past the field behind our school. Today is much cooler, breezy, full of sunshine and zero humidity. This is a spring lovers happy place. Today I am in love with this city. I am in love with my school. And I am in love with a God who is so much greater than myself. As the sun peaks through the limbs and glares off my laptop screen – I am here to write two papers – and accomplish the final assignments I have to get done this week before finals. Yet somehow all of that seems to melt away when I am here. Not in a procrastination way - if I wanted to procrastinate I could be asleep in my room. Instead this is breathing life back into a girl who is worn thin. Who has the feeling of being left in an empty room after graduation. A girl who honestly doesn't know what is to come next fall – where to call home. Where to make the next move with intention and care. Who are the “least of these” in her reach – and what can she do to share the gospel and meet needs in a way that isn't so "churched" and outlined. 
 
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Today I was charged with the trait of Compassion during Errosthe, that is a Greek word that sort of means you are moving on or leaving the chapter you are currently in for something new. The seniors charge underclassmen with the trait they were awarded and asked to continue that on throughout their time at Johnson and to whomever they come into contact with. Strangely enough I served on the committee for Errosthe and when I delivered the news to the seniors they had been chosen, I never imagined one of them charging me. I was honored, humbled, surprised, and yes, I did cry. I cried when I heard the seniors speak, and I cried after Margret held my hand to tell me she would not have chosen someone else. I share that not to boast or rub it in anyone's face – I am sharing it because of how much I value her as a person, how much this school actually means to me regardless of the bad days, and how I will not take this charge lightly. Today I found it easy to smile at those around me, and easy to mourn the lost and broken with those who asked me to. I don’t feel the need to complain about little things. But I must also note the sun is out today. Yesterday, and the days before that I had to play in the rain (only to lose my glasses)in order to find joy… but I found it... and my glasses too. I want to work my hardest at finding joy in life. To advocate for those that need a voice to represent them. I want to make decisions based off of Christ – not myself. But most of all I want to be the leader that was charged on the hard days. The days that freaking suck. The days where the work is piling up, the doubt is swimming around my head, the bills need paid, and the communication was poor. Compassion is not simply noticing that someone is hurting, but doing something about that hurt too. 

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In this past week alone I have learned a lot about myself. How brave I can actually be, how much I value Christ and his push for reconciliation. My own identity in Him - not in the urban girl I have so popularly become known as - at my own influence... I have learned that I can play in the rain 3 days in a row before I start to really go through sun withdraws. And on that third day the sun seems like my own sort of love affair - I can't get enough - and I hate when school calls me back to reality... if I can even call it such. I've learned that I can listen to the "hipster" station on Spotify for an hour before I need something else... like Kendrick. I fasted on purpose for like the second time in my whole life... that was weird. I am not sure if it did what it was supposed to if I am honest, but that is due to several other reasons. I think the next time I will fast it will be something social media or shoe related... I've learned that I have some of the coolest flipping professors on the planet and I go to a school I have a love hate relationship with - but that is no news to anyone. I tend to flirt with the line on a daily basis - constantly pushing the limits of what I can say in class or to others to make them think without getting a condescending look or reference to Dave's' office... I just have to be sure not to hit anyone again... still not that sorry ;) 

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I managed to steal my sister from her crazy busy life for 5 hours on Saturday. Praise God for her. As much as we see things differently I am just happy we share the same blood. I am debating on going home - LEXINGTON - before training starts... not that it matters to anyone reading this... but it's kind of a big deal to me to hug some little ones and kiss the bluegrass state I love goodbye for the summer begins. Passing these exams seems like it may be impossible... good thing I just taught a lesson on that at Emerald... haha God. Packing is such a far off feat to conquer I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about being an upperclassmen. I don't want to think about how difficult adapting to this place, a new home, new roommates, new routine, is about to be for a girl that spits change in the face if it's not prompted by her own doing. I honestly just want to look at all of those things and run in the complete opposite direction... but that would defeat my whole purpose of life... so yeah. 

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Calling on the Creator, wind, rain, sunshine, bare feet, new books, fresh pens, late night talks, adventures, mountains, street lights, cookies, good music, the farmers market, long summer night walks, and playing hours of street ball to motivate the next two weeks and get me through the next 3.5 months. Lets consider this a marathon and I am still in the pre-race work out phase. Come May 1st I will be crossing that starting point and I will be pressing on till the middle of August when a whole other adventure beings.

Ready... Set...

Live. 

Belonging

There will always be a sense of belonging there. A feeling that takes over my insides and explodes into a bright smile and warm heart. It wouldn't matter if I had a home with parents, their spare key, or her little town house couch, to journey back to. There will always be that call to go back. For how long? I'm not sure. But for right now I am thankful that the feeling of belonging is still there. Despite how hard that makes it  to leave. 

He just said "2 more minutes" and I gave him hours. We don't get to do that often. So why take it away when you can just breathe? Only about 3 people on this earth currently bring me the same amount of frustrations as peace. You only have one best. And talking about life till you fall asleep is probably one of my favorite things. You should do it more if you don't already. It's foundational I believe. Able to be as serious and as silly as needed. Im proud of the hard things he's has to do in the last week. I'm excited for his summer plans but I'm really empty at the thought of not being a copilot this summer. 

He has a big day in court tomorrow. So of course we turned it up the day before. Matching colors, until mom made me change out of my dress cause "I know how you are" she's right. I always come home with a bloody limb or ripped white jeans. Never fails. So she was prepared to say it yesterday. His choice of music always leads to Wayne and Chief Keef. I don't mind it, especially when we all know the words and he acts surprised I can still bang after going to "Johnson" his voice always a little sassy when he says it. With that hair he is for sure taller than me now, and wants to be treated like he's grown. But then moments when he can't get his shirt buttons around his wrists to fasten he just hands them to me. I'll never be his mom. I'll never be his aunt. And the world wants to remind me I'm not his sister either. But they don't know what belonging like this feels like. 

She has grown up into one of the most gorgeous young women I have ever known. Still full of fire and smooth as a stone by the river. She carries herself differently - and I think it's cause she knows what it feels like to belong like I do - so we fight for that. I'm thankful that her house is somehow a change of pace in a neighborhood that doesn't know quiet. Her stories. Her love. And her ability to teach. She's been sis for years now. 

Brothers legs are practically longer than mine and being 2 is so hard. I love him. And one day he will know me like he does the other self declared "aunts" only tho I claim him as brother. 

My parents house is too big now. Part of me wants them to just move out of the house we built - but more of me just wants them to fill it with people who need to belong too. Watching basketball games in this house will always be special though. We bleed blue and I'm aloud to scream real loud. 

This may sound crazy but I think the sun shines differently on Lexington - and that makes it really hard to leave. My heart honestly broke a little yesterday when it set in that Knoxville will be the new place of belonging this summer. I'm so excited about it - but knowing that screaming the Bobo or running lay up drills in the summer heat with my favorite boys, or laughing about how I'm truly terrible at Spanish in Bolivia just won't be happening anytime soon. 

Closing a chapter. Moving into an apartment with three other girls on the hill. And accepting a job that will be grueling and beautiful. Don't worry Lexington - I still belong to you. 

Praise God Anyway

When he asked me what the plan was I got nervous. I was excited don't get me wrong, but there was more going on than the one answer I could give. So in one long breath I told him - the good, the bad and, the ugly. That's how I was taught to live and love - my  family won't let me forget it.

Staying here, in Knoxville this summer is most certainly one of the more grown up decisions I've ever had to make. And I can tell I'm already glad I said yes. And Gods timing is beautiful, hearing that I got the position with Emerald Youth Foundation eased the let down of not getting into Urban Plunge. As much as I will miss my beautiful Lexington, my friends, my family, and my kids... This is part of the process. This is something that I never planned... But He did.

I never would have imagined that telling her over lunch, that someone would overhear and remind me God has a plan much  better than mine. It sounds so cheese ball but you don't just grow up considering yourself comparable to Jonah and constantly fight that feeling of running away or doing it your own way - and then your pastor tell you this sermon is for you - not once ever knowing that is how you feel. Jonah & Jesus - God has a plan SO much bigger.

That conversation was the reason I didn't get into the program I thought was so perfect. And the comfort and peace I feel over the situation is nothing like any peace I've ever felt before. Because I know that God knows I am just a silly little girl trying to run the show on my own.

So these are my early Monday morning thoughts. Still in bed. Coffee close by. A paper due at 5. And a heart and a head that just can't comprehend how amazing my God is. How beautiful the people in my life are.

And that I can still praise God anyway.

Overcoming Giants in Jackson

Who would have thought that a bus full of Intercultural Studies & Church Planting students spending a weekend in Jackson, Mississippi would have so much impact? 

I didn't. 

The only information we were given prior to the trip was that ONE church was getting ready to celebrate their 1st birthday & we would be there to see how planting a multi cultural church in Jackson looks like. Hang out with kids, & maybe meet Dr. John Perkins, who just happens to be my hero. I was obviously excited to go & see a place I had never been before, learn what I could about urban ministry through someone else's perspective etc. but honestly I was pretty skeptical with the lack of information, & the group that was going. Story of my life constantly looking at great opportunities & feeling the fire in my heart to be a part of them, & silencing the crackle of the fire inside. All I can say is Praise God that I ignored my doubts & got on that bus to Jackson. 

We played more mafia this weekend then I have ever played in my entire life. It was a blast. 

We stayed in a house I've seen in my dreams. It was huge - like it sleeps over 50 huge. There we stayed up way too late playing apple to apples, having deep conversations about our creator, & just getting to know each other.The house was smack in the middle of a very low income neighborhood with more pot holes in the streets than I remember in Santa Cruz. It was just a few blocks away from Dr. Perkins own home, was surrounded but a huge, locked, chain link fence. Bars covered the windows, & both nights spent there we woke up to over a dozen gun shots. But when we arrived, the first thing Matt said was, "Welcome Home" & with that, I knew we were meant to be there. 

On Saturday we met in the parking lot of the cinema, where ONE church hosts their Sunday morning services, & introduced ourselves to a few members of their church who would be passing out promotion flyers to 7 of the 22 apartment complexes in the Jackson area. So the 11 of us on the trip divided up and set out with these beautiful peopl & heard their stories, shared our own, & caught a glimpse of what their vision for a multi cultural church looks like. Matt told us around 7,000 were reached Saturday morning. All it took was 2 hours on a Saturday morning & willing hands & feet... crazy huh? 

Matt & Sara opened up their own apartment for us to rest, eat lunch provided by their partnership with the Fresh Market there, watch some basketball, & get to hear their story and how ONE church came into existence. But much like those involved with a new church plant, & community workers, there is never too much rest or a dull moment, so we headed back to the apartments with HOPE truck - one of their ministries they have for the 

We were given the opportunity to go to a local High School game that night for free and got to watch some highly recruited kids win and go to their championship game!! To say I was hype would be an understatement. Their coach invited us into the locker room to celebrate, congratulate, & pray with them. To have that opportunity in a public school these days is huge. I won't forget those young men and their 23-3 record. Their positivism, & their hard work was so encouraging. 

 Getting to know this awesome group was another blessing in Mississippi. Over 14 hours in a bus over a weekend kind of forces you to get to know people! I am very confident in these kids & what they plan to do in the world one day. Not to mention how Mr. Brewer is seriously the coolest professor out there - sorry not sorry. Being silly with this crew, & being serious with this crew was just another highlight. #buckets

Spending the day with the kids in the appartments, seeing how Matt & ONE church engages the community, worshiping on Sunday, & hearing Donavon's message about over coming Giants are just a few other snapshots of what caused my heart to flood over with Joy & ignite my passion for intentional community & urban work even more. I believe in raising up children so they can be leaders in their community, I believe that we should love our neighbors no matter their skin color, education, place of birth, religious background, sexual orientation, past mistakes, economic status, etc. The Kingdom looks like this: diverse, multicultural, beautiful. I am so blessed to have been able to see other people currently living this out. 

                 

And here is a picture of a bunch of Kingdom Builders in the making & my hero John Perkins. Hands down the most epic night of my life. I am without words. I can only feel in my heart what that meant for where I plan to go in life. Thank you sir for all you have done, and continue to do for the Lord, His people, and the forever battle to bring people together in the name of the Lord. You inspire me to be loving, seek education in places other than school, read scripture and encourage others to do the same. You told us to never fear mourning those we have lost, but to always, always forgive those who have done us wrong. You were revolutionary 60 years ago, you are radical now. May we strive to see like you see - in the way of Jesus Christ.

Flexibility

Have you every really regretted a deal you made with someone you thought was a good idea, maybe even an "I'll show them" sort of thing? Yeah me either...

The next phone call I get from Chicago will be a decision on whether they want me to take an internship there or not. With Knoxville, Lexington, and Chicago, all as options floating in the air - I am finding it hard to sift through others opinions, logistics, and the actual call He has for me. I should have asked for a magic compass at Christmas instead of an eno.

                                                            I am blessed. SO BLESSED.

So don't get me wrong. I just want to do the best thing, the good thing, the thing that will build His Kingdom up. But I also want to do the selfish thing, the easy thing, the thing that will build me up... and that is where I am willing to be honest. I am scared of what could happen, where these opportunities could lead me, and that they might lead me further away from MY future. MY dreams. MY goals. Some days I am extremely confident I know the answer. I know the next right move. Then the next day I turn in the complete opposite direction. I need to close my mouth and open my ears. And know that no ones feelings will be hurt. And if they are, they truly weren't part of the fam to begin with.

See, I've had this little blue print in my back pocket for quite sometime now... staying in the mountains after the degree isn't sketched on it... neither is a foreign place like Illinois. Then again, South America wasn't traced out in the corners or worn out folds either. Yet, as much as I love this little blue print - I've gained some more tools - and as any good builder knows... measurements change... the soon to be homeowners like a different styled bathroom than they originally drew up... AND the pipes almost always burst. Flexibility. That is the word I just wrote in sharpie on that little piece of a dream.

Like that deal I made in Chipotle that altered the blue print the first time. I had to understand that this is the building of a foundation, framework... I can't put a roof on without those things. But first.

Flexibility.

 

Our 1

Just saw a message on my phone that meant a lot more than the few sentences seen on the screen. I couldn't cry though, not now at least. I've cried enough.

Tuesday will be a really hard day.

Fate. Decisions out of my control. A life with more potential than I can even describe. It's all gone.

At least that is what it feels like. I feel like I've been hooked up to donate blood but they forgot about me. I started out helping someone else - but now I am slowly dying - losing more blood than is healthy or the required amount.

Exhausted. Numb. And tear-less.

I gave all I could, and maybe it wasn't enough... maybe it was. Their resources. Her life. It's all smacking us in the face and kicking us in the gut.

Why?

I don't know the answer to that question. I've sat on a public school hallway floor confused, disappointed, and searching for the same answer to that question. I've driven around dimly lit streets in search for it. Laid on a small mattress in the basement looking deep into the eyes of one who I thought could give me the answer. I came up short every time. We all do.

Every day I look a pictures of days that were different. We were young. We had dreams. All that mattered was that we were together. In that basement our hands marked up the walls. We became a family. Still a family. Always a family. Just a lot older, more distance, and our cracks are now broken pieces shattered all over a tile floor. And no one knows how to put them back together.

The world consumed, trapped, and claimed her victim. I just pray that one day I can look at our boy with the same eyes I did when he danced in the parking lot that summer where face paint was more common than secrets in backpacks. Eyes that have changed perspective over time, but eyes that still love. Right now it's hard. Being away is hard. Being circumstantial fun is hard. Not knowing what it's like is hard.

I am a shepherd searching for her 1. The 1 out of the other 99 who is lost. Ready for him to come home to the family, but baring the truth that this shepherd, and the surrounding shepherds have to come home with just 99 some days.